Creeped Out By Nature

Ok, I’m not a nature kind of guy. Walking in the woods, trees, sunlight, it's never really been my thing. It’s not like I have a fear of such things, just no real exposure. For the most part I’ve never been too concerned because I know the sunshines, whether I’m involved with it or not. But butterflies are another story.

Although I have no experience with this it turns out that shit loads of butterflies migrate though my area of California. While everyone acts like this is something that just happens every day, I’m confused as hell. I’ve never seen swarms of butterflies before. Hell, I didn't even know butterflies could actually swarm. Driving down the road you paint your windshield with tons of these little guys.
In some Asian cultures seeing butterflies like this is a sign of impending death. At this point nothing would surprise me.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Another Random Picture, Random Post, Post

I threw a new post on http://randompicturerandomstory.blogspot.com/

Read it, learn it, love it.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Go Take A Break

Um... Ok, so I working my new job, and it seems like I have to keep taking breaks. I'm training, and that's all good. But every few minutes I'm taking a break. I'm not used to this at all. I'm the guy who is constantly working, I'm used to having project after project on hand. But so far I've work 3 days, and put in only a few hours of real work.

normal this wouldn't bother most people, and personally the break is kind of nice. Unfortunately this is causing two dilemmas. 1.) what if I get used to not having anything to do? I don't think I'd like to get lazy. 2.) the CEO's office stares right into my cubicle. I'm sure the blogger screen does not look like the computer system we use.

The job is not hard, in fact it's quite easy, almost too easy (brain atrophy.) I suppose I'm so used to doing my work as if I were the boss that I'm just not used to being a peon again.

FYI, This is break number 4 and I've been at work for barely 3 1/2 hours.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Random Free Pizza And Political Intruige

Last night I had class, and I was actually early. With a half hour to kill I started wandering around until I hear a radio blasting Crazy Train. When I located the source the AS (I think it's the association of students) were giving out free pizza. Naturally I tried to con my way into more, after all, the only better than one slice of free pizza is two slices.

While eating I meandered next to the "sign my ____" guy (this is a guy who wants you to register to vote and sign all kinds of stuff.) while consuming my free slice of pizza I listened to his spiel. The final form was the one I had to pester him on.

It turns out that he was collecting signatures on putting whether minors can hid the fact that they had an abortion from their parents. Currently, in California, it is ok for a minor to have an abortion without the consent or knowledge of their parents. Naturally I had to interject on this one, so I asked, "So should you sign this if you don't want this to happen? It seems to me that if gets on the ballot then it could be voted against, but if you want it to stay the way it is shouldn't you not sign the form?" he replied with "well, unless we vote they can change it regardless of what we think."

Curse my inability to know how the government works. Of course I didn't sign anything, call it apathy or indifference; I say, "I don't know and I don't care."

If you are unfamiliar of how voting on stuff works in California, let me sum it up for you: I live in Santa Ana, California. On the street corner, where my apartment complex is, there is a chain link fence. This fence is used as a communal bulletin board. This fence is covered with political propaganda attempting to win over our votes. Right now there are multiple copies of the same two signs. One sign says, "vote Yes on A, improve Santa Ana." The other sign says, "vote No on A, preserve Santa Ana." I’ve asked around, not one damn person knows what the hell A is.

At least it's multiple choice...


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

The Bird Is The Is The Word

Well this made my day. I have to admit, last week was pretty harsh, the complications with the whole changing of jobs compounded with the whole "Ouch" thing, I have to admit, I was pretty "tore up." luckily I had some friends to hang out with, which after a few drinks I found the think I never knew I really wanted. A Happy Drinking Bird.

"What?" you say. That's right, a drinking bird. It's the closest mankind has ever come to perpetual motion and sweet dead baby Jesus is it cool. It's cool in the nerdiest of nerd cool.

If you don't get what I'm talking about, click here:
http://www.backstreet.demon.co.uk/oddstuff/drinkingbirds/drinkingbirds.htm

I don't know if "zen like" would be the correct way to describe it, I don't know if, "brink of madness" would be either. But man can that bird drink.

...Can't type, he's about to take another drink...


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Haiku

I thought I'd cut and paste a Haiku I wrote on http://superbadass.net/blog/ comments, to lighten the mood a bit (this is not autobiographical!)

My junk itches bad
The ointment does not work
A virgin my ass!


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Ouch

Fucking ouch, that's all I can say. I never thought this would hurt this bad but ouch.

Things had been going down hill for a while, physical intimacy had dwindled to nil. After a while I began to expect the end of things, and watched it speed towards me like an avalanche. I told my self that this was bound to happen and that we would be better off. I knew that eventually we'd move on, and at times I even escaped blaming my self for all of it, if only for a while.

Last night she went out with a friend from class, she said it was just as friends, but it was definitely a date. This guy took her out for drinks, to a comedy club, miniature golfing, and out to play air hockey. They were out till midnight, drinking and goofing around. Those were the things I always wanted to do with her, being poor never let me pull off all that in one night. Of course my poverty wasn't the only hindrance to such things, after all, it took a crowbar to get her ass off the couch when I wanted to go out at night. Even on nights like last night, when she had no work or school in the morning, she never wanted to go out, she didn't want to go out with me.

It hurts so badly to try and be happy for someone who is out doing the things you always wanted to do with them, when they're happier doing it with someone else. It's like loving someone who refuses to fuck you, only to watch them go out and nail other people.

Do I think she did anything with this guy last night? No, I don't think she did. She could have, and I wouldn't be surprised if she did, but I don't want to think it.

When I saw her last night she smelled of rum and martinis and every word she spoke about how happy she was just hanging out hurt more and more. I told her I was tired, I told her that I was sick, I kept telling her I was fine and that I just wanted to go to sleep. She kept telling how much fun they had doing all the things she refused to do with me, I didn't want to hear any of it. All I wanted was to lay in the dark, sink into the pitch black and pull it all in over my head. I wanted to embrace oblivion. The irony of my life is that with insomnia you don't' sleep, my peace never came, and my head rang with thoughts of loneliness and pain. Insomnia gets worse and worse when you have a lot of things on your mind, and right now my skull aches with all these thoughts.

Today there at work my coworkers threw me a going away potluck, of course she was there. Standing in front of everyone, accepting gag gifts, I had to pretend to be happy, I had to laugh to keep up the appearance. The running gag of when the two of us were going to get married was like a knife in my chest.

My extremities have all gone cold, my hand and feet, I feel feverish and freezing at the same time. To make it worse, while I want to forget all these things, and have a few moments where I don't think about how much this hurts, all my memories boil to the surface. Every kiss, our first date (hell, every date), I remember it all.

I can't hide in hatred, I can't hide in work, I can't hide from any of this agony, I can only let it infuse with everything that I am. She was my inspiration to become a better person, she loved me for who I am, she just grew tired of what I am.

I don't' think I'll be sleeping for a while.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Comming Attractions

Yay movies. i have to admit, i enjoy movies. acctually, i enjoy good movies. i hate bad movies, unless they're enjoyable bad movies (ie cabin fever, killer klowns from outer space, and so on...)

so i thought i'd provide a list of movies i'm looking forward to.

chocolate any one? http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1808403419&cf=trailer

Kung-fu Hustle http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1808617679&cf=trailer


where's your towel? http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1808411970&cf=trailer

Who'd up for a trip to the movies? Who's down for a a trip to the lobby?


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Oh Sure, It Makes You Look Great

Why is it that on my blog I'm rather bland, but when I comment on other people's blogs I'm so much better? I'm starting to think I should just cut and paste my comments from other people's blogs on to mine... Or should I say, do it more often. ARGH! Even my post about whining is sucking hard core.

Crap monkeys!


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

It's Good To Be Liked

This is in case you don't feel very liked today (make sure you have your sound on.)


http://www.it.dev.duke.edu/tmp/I_Like_You.swf




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Secret Code

This is lame, but I always thought it would be cool to create a secret code when you want to send a message to someone. The best code I could come up with was to simply move your hands over one key on your key board (this code is one key to the right.) here is an example:

This is my secret code
yjod od ,u drvtry vp;r

Of course I'd probably spend an hour trying decipher where to meet for lunch, this is yet another idea never implemented.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Go Tee Trouble

Damn my goatee. My facial hair doesn't grow all that fast, nor does it grow in fully, but the goatee should participate a little better. For some reason it grows in thicker on the right than it does the left. It's not like I'm one of those highschool kids who look like they have mange, but it is pretty sad. All I'm saying that at 24 you'd think I could grow in decent facial hair. I have to stand there, under the fluorescent bathroom lights trimming and snipping just to make it so the pathetic little strip of hair on my chin doesn't look silly. To get a visual imagine that I'm trying for an exclamation point, but only getting a comma. Of course the obsessive side of my nature wants me to break out a ruler, and the tinkering side of my personality won't just leave it alone.

At least it's easy to see, I can only imagine what the girls must go through when they're trimming they're pubes. It's like I have a whole new respect for that little Mohawk.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Things I Like

It's not often, but sometimes little surprise will pop up that I like. I suppose when it's day after day of crap, anything nice is always welcome. They never happen all at once, but I'd like to share a few that have happened recently.

Event 1- while working at my desk one of the cute therapists (which are far and few between) needed something off of my desk while I was standing at it. While we were talking she leaned over, rubbing her boob all over my arms. When she realized what she had done we started laughing, I told her that if she needed anything else from my box I'd be more than happy to give it to her (innuendo). Moral of the story- I like boobs, and random boob contact is fun.

Event 2- while walking to my truck there was this cute girl walking toward me with that expression like she had all the attitude in the world. I smiled and she just looked away with disinterest. What she didn't realize was that I wasn't smiling because "Miss Priss" was cute, I was smiling because she had a full on camel toe going. Best of all, I wasn't the only one who was going to notice the degree of this crotch wedge.

Event 3- some one cut me off to take a parking spot I wanted. He cut so quickly in front of me the parked without giving himself enough room to open their door. There were so many cars in the parking structure that they couldn't back out of the spot to reposition their car. Imprisoned in their own luxury car.

Event 4- I took Monday off or work to go snowboarding and I guess while I'm on spring break no one else was. This meant the slopes were empty, there was no homework, and good times were had by all. I did get a sunburn on my neck, but on a day where it's nice enough that you go down with just a t-shirt it's all good.

Event 5- having a day where I'm not full of angst thus leading to a angst free post on my blog.


Too bad these events don't come around all that often.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

To Make A Bad Thing Worse

I'm eating lunch. It's two mozzarella and meat ball hot pockets.

While eating I see some of the "crispy crunchy tender flaky crust" has fallen on my shirt. I go to brush it away.

I don't realize I have sauce all over my hand. I wipe sauce all over my shirt.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Blog and Roll

I really should play on this blog more often, I'm like the least active contributed.

http://randompicturerandomstory.blogspot.com/


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Job Advice

I got a new job, I got a new job! Yes, I'm quite thrilled with that, mainly because I've been looking for a new one for the past two years. Now I've got the new job need to make a decision. The question is this: Should I work occasionally at night for my old job while working my new job?

(For my own sake I will refer to my current job as OJ (old job). And my new job as NJ (new job). Anything that is listed as something to consider will not have a NJ or OJ.)

Here are all the stats of my current situation:

• OJ- have worked there for three years, no benefits
• NJ- benefits right off the bat
• OJ- pays $13.50 an hour
• NJ- pays $13.00 and hour full benefits
• OJ- I can do this job in my sleep
• NJ- new company out side of the county, I need to be alert and awake to pull it off
• OJ - if I keep working I will work maybe once or twice a week for a few hours a night.
• NJ- I'll be working 40 hours a week
• I will go to school at night, I usually take 3 classes a semester, so that's three nights I'll be at school.
• I don't sleep well, so I'm constantly tired in the mornings as is
• OJ- if I quit I can never come back, if I stay on partially I can sill come back
• I'm very indecisive
• both jobs are flexible around school
• I'm poor, I need money
• NJ- after a 90 day probation period (or so) I can get bumped up to $14 an hour
• OJ- I don't like a lot of things about this job
• OJ- my desk is not ergonomic, the cleaning people never dust, and I always get sick because the air is recycled. (I also have some breathing problems that I blame on the dust and mold in the office.)
• NJ- very clean and tidy office
• OJ- the times I will be working will be the times that the building's air conditioning will be off (nights and weekends)
• I don't hang out with friends or go out drinking as often as I think I should
• OJ- although they're going to be completely lost with out me, the work I'll do at night will be mainly busy work.
• OJ- because I'll be working the off hours I can watch movies while I work.
• OJ- in order to stay on the payroll I have to work at least a couple hours a pay period (every two weeks) this means I don't have to be here every week.
• I've been under a lot of stress lately with work and school and so on. I can't decide if more money will make things better or worse.

Ok, that about sums it all up. If anyone (if possible, everyone) can throw me some advise I'll definitely appreciate it.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Fun With Robots

They're like telemarkers of the internet. i'm talking about those robot things that randomly e-mail you and act like a real person. they usually can't respond to your responses too well. so, like telemarketers i tend to screw around with them. there's a fine line between fun and pathetic. by the way, the robot puts typos into what it types, very clever.

femail100percent: hi... anyone there?

exile509: yes, but i can't be too sure

femail100percent: oh your thhere hi...

exile509: like a monkey!

femail100percent: a/s/l (age sex lodation)?

exile509: 24/m/ca

femail100percent: im 27/f/USA. was lookin at your profile. thought you might like to chat.

femail100percent: so what have you been up zo exile509?

exile509: nothing much, just waisting time on-line

exile509: how about you?

femail100percent: cool. i was just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny (*blushes)

femail100percent: feel like a little cyber fun with me ?? please please...

exile509: that depends

femail100percent: i think ill just take that as a yes... being as that im starting to get real horny here.. lpl ok?

exile509: first, tell me your favorite color

femail100percent: maybe you shoulddnt ask so many questions

exile509: checking to see if you're real or a robot

exile509: that's all

femail100percent: bot? whats that? some kinda insult or somethong?

femail100percent: alright how bout i get down on my knees in front of you and help you out of your pants?

exile509: i'm wearing shorts, not pants

femail100percent: just loungging around in my undies.... u?

exile509: chill'n, killen. i just poured one out for my dead homies.

femail100percent: tell me what you want me to do with yo while i slip out of my panties

exile509: wash my truck

femail100percent: oh yyeah babe.. dont stop. while i slide my hand down between my legs and part my moist lips

exile509: are you the matrix?

femail100percent: oh it feels so good. Im holding your pulsing cock in my hand, my shiny red fingernails dig gently into your bballs, while my full, soft lips engulf the mass of your meat

exile509: i'm picturing a woman fondeling a chicken while squeezing some tennis balls. all the while eating a burger. not as sexy as i thought it would be

femail100percent: i have wome pics on my homepage the link is in my profile, still working on it ...

exile509: working on the burger or the chicken?

femail100percent: oh no nnot work... thats a 4 letter word you know..

exile509: funny, so is fake

femail100percent: open m website so you can look at me while im sucking you. use the link in my profile!

exile509: you'll knock over my laptop

femail100percent: whhat do you think of my pics?

exile509: you're a little overweight

femail100percent: shit the phhone. dont stop stroking it. hold on...

exile509: you can't stop a stroke, oh god! my face is paralized!

femail100percent: sorry, I have to take this call, probly take bout five minutes. If you want, come to my page and lets finish this. I have my cam on there cyberfungirls dot com look ffor me on there

exile509: oh i see, the phone. is it another man? what about our cyber children. what will your cyber mother say?


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

A little something to keep in mind when you're getting drunk tonight.

Click here: Irish Blarney


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Your horoscope

As a means to further provide a service to the blogging community I thought I'd write up a horoscope for you. That's right, this horoscope is specifically directed to you, the reader. Using the alignment of the cosmos and the occasional comet I will give you a glimpse into the future and beyond. The spirits, or something, have asked me to ask you to filling any info I placed in the parenthesis:

Greetings (your zodiac sign),

It turns out that today will be a memorable day for you. After all, today is the first day of the rest of your life, in that it will be much like yesterday. Your arrival today at (work/school/prison) will at first seem uneventful, save for those who have already attempted to ruin your day on the (freeway/bus/kitchen). Today you will find humor in something that is often not considered funny by others, most likely (the physical pain of others/a subtle innuendo/ this blog).

Be wary of a financial transaction today, it will leave you with less money than you started out with this morning. Keep in mind that someone from (your past/your home life/rehab) will think about you fondly, but you will know nothing about it. Today, someone will smile at you first, and then greet you; this person wants something from you and will attempt to get it.

The movements of the planets have revealed your future. The planets tell many things, they speak of an alcohol problem you will face soon, the problem being that you will not have enough. The planets warn that a long since forgotten mistake in you past will soon complicate your future, like (toxic gas from last night's dinner/realizing there's an unsightly stain on your underwear/running into a "one night stand" who can't seem to stop itching.) they also say that you will eventually die, and while many will be sad, someone you owe money to will be pissed.

Today's wisdom- "It's ok to be you, it's better to be someone else. With enough self improvement, one could deny all kinds of horrible truths about themselves."

Lucky numbers- 24, 8, 14, 69, 36-DD

Lucky color- pink Lucky website- www.stupid.com

Lucky time- happy hour!



With my Venus in Uranus
Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Yeah, Me Neither.

I always enjoy when someone asks something really embarrassing and then tries to deny any involvement in the question it's self. it' like they want to know if anyone else does the same thing they do, but they don't want to admit it themselves that they do it. a classic example of this comes from Wayne's World when Wayne and Garth are laying on top of their car and Garth asks "Wayne, did you ever think Bugs Bunny was attractive when he dressed up like a girl bunny?" when Wayne laughs out "no." Garth immediately retracts with "yeah, me neither."

If you're trying to figure out why they hell I'd be thinking about this keep in mind that you are attempting to understand how my mind works. This can be dangerous. Instead I will just say that the reason I thought about all this was because of a quickie post I was going to do on the weekend. The post was going to just be this:

Productivity
Ever have one of those days where you masturbate so much that you wind up with this huge feeling of productivity? The satisfaction of accomplishment one gets from dedication to their craft after a day of hard work.

After mulling over the idea in mind for a while I then wanted to attach on the end "yeah, me neither." there are two reasons why I didn't want to do this, one is that it felt like a huge cliche' and while I don't seem to be adverse to using cliche's I try to avoid them. Secondly it would have been a big lie.

Don't act like I'm the only one, everyone has found themselves on a day with absolutely no one home and idle hands. (If you're still saying no then you either have an incredibly thrilling life, or it's far more dull than mine.)

But I digress... The true focus here is on the matter of those questions that we want to know, but refuse to own up to. My advise is the next time someone asks you a question that seems like they want to know if someone else does it so they can feel normal just agree with them. Then after they admit to say you were kidding. Oh the fun you will have.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Pissing Away An Afternoon

On The Hot Librarian's blog (http://thehotlibrarian.blogspot.com/) she recently did a post on why guys are all shy about peeing in public and/or in front of her. I'd post my comment here as well as there.



As a guy I can say that really, guys don't want to look at other man junk, nor to they want theirs looked at. Mainly it's a judgment thing. The fact is whether we look or not, whether we want to or not, a man's masculinity is often in direct correlation to the size of his "Wang-dang-doodle".
while taking a piss has no real emotional significance it is a moment when we have to drop our guard and be vulnerable. Unlike the ladies who can sit there like they're waiting for the bus, a guy has to have his "bait & tackle" exposed, also we are in now way ready to fight off a horde of ninjas.
the main reason most guys avoid public restrooms is that they often, very often, don't have walls between the urinals. In a vulnerable state if some guy starts check'n your stream you have no real defense (yes this does happen.)

We must also be able to relax enough to actually let loose our bladder. Those muscles are quite sensitive and hold their own with very little effort. That's why when guys have to pee we can hold it longer than women, better "piss sac muscles."

Finally, THL, think about it like this, you're able to piss in front of anyone, right? Could you change your tampon in front of just any one? What about letting out a big, potato sized, turd? Or what about a loud humid fart?

Think of it like this, even a stripper can feel an invasion of privacy from a peeping tom.

***

Here's a direct link to the entry: http://haloscan.com/tb/thehotlibrarian/111055668397400788


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Suck On That, Hallmark

I am officially declaring that this holiday be observed and followed. Girls, you get February 14th, we get March 14th. You get flowers and candy, we get Steak and Blowjobs!

http://www.steakandbjday.com/




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Love Autopsy

In my dreary little quest to understand why things go the way they go in relationships I have come up with many theories as to why relationships go awry. Today I give to the Love Profile Variance.

Love Profile Variance:
We've all heard people say to other people when they're in love "you're the one I've been looking for my whole life." I'm sure there are times that we have all said this. Some call this fate, other thank mystical beings that are supposed to be pulling all of our strings. Unfortunately this is not the case. Believe it or not we are actually all responsible for our own actions, as well as our station in life and it's outcome.

The Love Profile is actually a list of traits and specific requirements that are either negotiable or non negotiable. The interesting thing is that The Love Profile is something that evolves as we move though life. I'm sure at a young age we've all said "I just want someone to love me." this is a very valid requirement, but when you finally form a relationship around this solitary trait you realize that the relationship won't work. The reason it doesn't work is that you were not specific enough as to what type of love you wanted, nor did you determine the other traits you required in a relationship. As you move through life you soon create a large list of traits, everything you're looking for, but the profile still needs fine tuning. Often a great butt is on Parr with emotional stability.

Eventually your Love Profile reaches a point where you've finally gotten it reasonably complete, you find someone that meets the majority of the requirement on your profile and you're happy.
This kind of happy can last a long time, unfortunately when it doesn't last, this is where the Love Profile Variance comes into play. At this point in the game all of the traits in your Love Profile should be accurately labeled as either negotiable, or non-negotiable. As the relationship has progressed, however, your partner has changed and the traits he/she used to match up with have now become of little importance to them. This means trouble when this is stance taken on the non-negotiable traits. Sometimes this change is blatantly obvious, if a non-negotiable trait is that you do not accept abuse and yet he smacks you around when he's drunk this is a huge variance on your non negotiable trait. Other variances are things like your partner forgoing giving you oral pleasure, or rejecting the act of coitus. Smaller variances are things like no longer giving "back rubs" or simply no longer sharing the same interests as the other person. Another example would be if one person wants two kids, while the other wants none, you can't just have one, often there is no compromise. Eventually the integrity of the relationship begins to falter due to the infractions placed against the non-negotiable traits.

The long and the short of it all is that the person you were in love with has changed enough to no longer meet the requirements for the relationship. They no longer meet the profile you previously set up, instead this changed person has grandfathered his/her way into a relationship with you. After all, with all the changes they've undertaken, if they were they way they are they would have never fit the profile to begin with. These changes come about though many conditions, environmental, emotional, age, and even boredom.

The irony of it all is that the Love Profile must be specific in order to filter out all the unwanted candidates, but too specific and you eliminate all candidates. You have to be willing to flex on some traits and stand firm on others. Often we give into the Love Profile Variance because we are in love and our commitment and loyalty bind us.

Remember: if you drop a frog in a pot of boiling water it will jump out, but if you put the frog in a pot of cold water and slowly bring the temperature up the frog will sit there and boil to death.

Today's Special: Frog Soup.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

disrespect

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/umedia/20050226/cp.8d402b8c73caba69d85e8d2f92701700

exile

Dogs VS Children, a steel cage battle to the death

"You want a dog? Well, you better want children. Because that's what dogs are."

This is what someone told me today after I made the statement "I want a dog." Was this lady for real? This statement troubled me a great deal, but it wasn't the first time I've heard it. The fact of the matter is that many people who try and convince me that I should breed often use my desire to own a dog as a argumentative stance. They always say things like how a dog is like a child that is perpetually three years old. They mention how much work they are and that you need to be responsible. I guess that's because there are so many responsible parents out there.

I can't help but to refute this logic. The two arguments that dogs are like children and I should have children because I want a dog are asinine. To resolve this I have decided to create a list (another list you say?) of why I would prefer a dog to a child. More to the point, why dogs are so much better than children.

• if your dog is misbehaving you can lock it in the garage or in the back yard all night. Do this to a child and Child Services will pay you a visit.
• if someone breaks into the house you can call the dog to assist you. If the situation dictates the dog will give it's life for you. With a child you have to protect it from the intruder. This could cost you a nice stereo.
• if someone steals your dog you can go to the pound and buy a new one. If someone kidnaps your child you will have to pay a huge ransom.
• if you're having sex and the dog hears in from the other room it just thinks you're wrestling. If a child hears you having sex it's the same thing, but they have opposable thumbs... Then you have to deal with childhood trauma.
• if your dog won't stop barking you can swat it's nose and say no. If the child won't stop talking you have to give it a timeout, it will most likely say no.
• if you're worried about your dog going out and getting pregnant from another dog you can get it fixed. With a child you have to have some conversation about some birds and bees and then you're a grandparent at 40.
• you can hook a harness to your dog and have them pull you on a skateboard. Children are useless for this activity.
• a bowl of kibble and a bowl of water and the dog is happy. It's nothing but bitching and whining until you a child a happy meal, and they refuse to drink out of the bowl.
• a dog is always excited to see you, be it at the end of the day, or after 15 min. a child only really cares if you bring it something.
• Getting your dog drunk is a fun activity when you're bored. Get your child drunk and once again, Child Services will pay you a visit.
• Dogs give unconditional love. Children require multiple things to show you love, often times it's in the form of a Christmas list.
• Dogs can entertain themselves with a lawn sprinkler. Children have long since lost interest in sprinklers and require video games and TV.
• if you don't like your dog you can give it away. This doesn't work with children.
• throw a Frisbee at a dog and they catch it, do this to a child and they cry.
• if you really hate your dog you can back over it in the garage and say it's an accident, do this with a child and it's prison for you.
• when you walk around naked in front of the dog they understand, it's not awkward. Do this with a child and there's 5,000 questions and very, very, disturbingly, awkward.
• if your dog drools it's normal, if your child drools it's special.

Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I think the score sheet speaks for it's self. Dogs are far better than children in many facets, far more than I've listed.

If you have any doubt just ask any woman who's squatting over a pregnancy test the morning after a party that she can't remember what she'd prefer. I think she'd rather have a dog too.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Excuse Me, I Have To Suddenly Speak Spanish

If you work in a bilingual office you'll understand what I'm talking about, and if you only speak one language in said office, you can truly relate. In my office the entire clerical staff speaks Spanish and English. They are all far more fluent in English, even though the tend to "ax" questions. This I have no problem with. What I can't stand is when I walk into a room they suddenly start speaking Spanish. It's not that the conversation calls for it, it's that they don't want me to know what they're saying.

Before you start thinking that this is paranoia consider the following:

1. When they speak Spanish they don't know how to use "big words." often they have to use English words to fill in the gaps.
2. If I'm in the room and they don't realize it they continue speaking English.
3. seeing as though I'm usually the odd man out on the conversations this is intentionally done to exclude me.
4. though they are bilingual and paid accordingly they rarely need to speak Spanish. Usually it is just to give directions. More often then not they have to speak English.

The irony about this is that I really don't care what they're talking about. I can hear everything in the office, it's not like there are many secrets left. It's only when they notice I'm in ear shot do the conversation turn to Spanish.

It's really irksome when the entire office is talking and laughing and it's all in Spanish, you try and join it and just get the espanol snub.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com