Commiting The Perfect Crime

There are many perils to befall one in a close knit office environment, and while many of them cannot be avoided, i feel it is my duty to spare those who frequent this site. The situation that i speak of today is one which we all face, for it is a natural, yet most embarrassing part of the human condition...

The scene is one that has become all to familiar, you've been sitting at your desk all day with legs clenched and the churning in your stomach has manifested it's self into something with the determination and will to expel it's self from your body. you nervously look at the time on your computer screen and assess that the abdominal bowel movement will not wait patiently till you finally make it home. you have no choice, you have to make like Greenpeace and release the skunk monkey into the wild...

As the sense of impending doom that creeps over like the cold sweat that that dots your brow it will do you well to keep this advise in mind...



How To Take A Shit At Work.


Step 1. Assess The Poo
Poo comes in many forms, before you rush off to the restroom you must first determine what time of poo you will be purging from your system. Now, it is not recommended that you do a "first hand inspection" of your poo (because you might have to shake hands on your way to the restroom) there are certain signs to look for. retain all observation until Step 3.

Step 2. Walk Of Shame
As Murphy's law is always in affect, ergo, the bathroom will be on the other side of the office, and most likely, it will be by or near the bosses' office. For this, stealth is the key to the operation. most likely you've waited so long that your gluts are attempting the kind of muscle control Tibetan yogis obtain only after a lifetime of training. Unfortunately you've only had a few moments of practice before you've taken on the now arduous task of walking. this is the time in which the risk of gas leaks are at their peak. i other words, if you blow wind you will blow your cover.

1. stand at your desk, do not walk, just stand. this will give your body to acclimate to it's current condition while in a vertical state.

2. grab something from your desk (miscellaneous paperwork, a folder, etc.) that you can bring with you into the restroom. This will come in handy if someone sees you walking towards the bathroom, giving the appearance that you are on your way to any place other than the restroom

3. as you walk to the restroom nonchalantly look around, make sure no one witnesses you walking to the restroom

4. lightly apply pressure to the restroom door, if the handle does not turn there is a chance someone is in there. DO NOT KNOCK, this will give away not only your location, but your intentions as well. (Circle the office until you see or hear someone leave the restroom).

5. if the bathroom is available open the door quietly and enter, if there is a light do not turn it on until you are in and the door is closing. (this will make you harder to identify as you enter.)


Step 3. Poo Prep
At this point you are now locked away in the bathroom, but don't think you're out of the woods yet, after all, you still have a log to leave in the forest (Even I'm not happy about that last analogy).

1. Acquire your supplies. You will need to find a roll of toilet paper, this is usually found in a cabinet in the restroom. DO NOT USE THE TOILET PAPER IN THE DISPENSER UNLESS THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE. from some reason toilet paper dispensers in offices are made from the noisiest material known to man, use of this instrument will be heard by any passersby and give a clear impression that you are indeed sculpting a clay finger in the bathroom. Stealth here is key in that it may later be a factor when you are leaving the restroom (there are eyes everywhere.)

2. recall the assessment you made of the poo from Step 1.

a. if there is a hot or churning sensation this will be a messy one, expect splashing, gurgling, and odor.
b. if there is a cramping or solid/heavy feeling, this will be a "Log Jammer," expect "residue."
c. if you've been extreemly gassy earlier you will most likely "nuke" the bathroom with the sound and furry of a trumpet.

3. after you are confident you can predict the condition of your poop, prepare.

a. if you think your turd will leave a racing stripe down the bowl concider laying a layer of toilet
paper on the surface of the water. (any more than a thin layer may result in a clog.)
b. if you believe that there will be excessive splashing consider leaving a wad of toilet paper in the bowl. this will dampen the sound created in the collision of poo and water.
c. if a Log Jammer looms in your future you may have no choice but to consider a Dump-Flush-Wipe-Flush policy.

4. do not rush, patient pooping provides positive products. if do try and hasten the process you will create far more noise then you intend to.

Step 4. The Evacuation after Evacuation
Now is the time to hurry, chances are what you just gave birth to was the fecal equivalent to the Antichrist and you've gotta make like an crack whore in an alley and leave the bastard behind.

1. you must flush and pull your pants (or whatever) back into place. do what ever it takes, button, fasten, zip, tuck, just do it.

2. as the water swirls you have only moments to wash your hands, do so with haste. remember, even though you flushed the stink from toilet is like the Ark Of The Covenant, the evil will escape... (and melt a Nazi or two).

3. as you leave you may want to take a cursory glance and see if you left anything behind, if so a quick flush before you leave will give any passersby the impression that you may not have been the one who let the turd burglar out on early parole (peeing is far more acceptable than pooping, unless you've had asparagus).

4. A tip to elude any prying eyes is to immediately round the closest corner from the bathroom, this way if a stink is wafting out of the bathroom you can act like you're discovering it with everyone else.

In the end, it doesn't matter who you are, we all shit, it's a matter who get's caught.





Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com