Dear Asshole

Dear Asshole On The Freeway,

If you are on the freeway and stuck behind a cement truck you have every
right to go around them. however, you have no fucking right at all to pull
out from behind them and then go the same speed!

the whole point of passing a slower vehicle is to pass buy them, not to
become another brick in the wall of idiots.

while this may be fine to do other motorists on your home planet, this is
California, most of us are armed.

Exile

HNS- Half Nekk'd Symmetry

this HNT doesn't exactly fall into the sexy category, but i thought I'd share a bit of a biological oddity about my self (and for once I'm not talking about my gargantuan penis.)

My feet, they're not exactly symmetrical...


as a neurotic person nearly on par with Monk, seeing things that are without symmetry irritate me so. but because i can't reshape them to match, all i can do is sit and stare...

after years of observation i realized something, while they do not match each other, they do match something else.

see how the toes on the left foot go in order (smallest to largest)? that is just like my Mom's feet. the right foot on the other hand, that is just like my dad's foot. save for size differences, if i match them to each of my parents they nearly make a symmetrical pair. (and yes, i have done this, but i don't have a picture. they think I'm weird enough).

it's kinda funny, not only did i get equal parts of their personalities, (analytical from my dad, silliness from my mom), but i got their feet too.

HHNT


Exile

Fingering My Wet Hole

I've been busy lately, stressed mostly

as you may recall from a previous Haiku Friday Post, I've run into a bit of trouble with my condo.

it started with a knock on my door, my neighbor from down stairs (who i had never seen until this moment) asked me if i had a water leak.

my eyebrow was raised

he told me that was a problem in his bathroom and it appeared to be related to my unit. seeing as though the floor plans are identical i worried that the problem in his bathroom was a problem in mine.

OK, now, before i get into this too far, this is what i saw in my bathroom...


hmmmmm.... a bubble, that's not a good thing

here's what i found in his:




can you believe that? Tinkerbell stickers on the mirror!

oh, and a large chunk of the ceiling collapsed with a sprinkling of black mold (for flavor)

i guess MR. Bubble was hiding a secret



now, as you can imagine, I'm in complete joyous rapture over this. i mean, i can barely pay my mortgage on my condo and now it looks like it's literally falling out from under me. (irony has that effect on me)

So, my pop came over and "took a look" at the problem...



this is what we found. now, for those of you who are not familiar with plumbing and how it works, pipes only work when they're connected. you can see by the calcium build up on the pipe, this "connection" let go some time ago. the pipe off to the left is the one that connects the sink drain to the sewer pipe (where the poo poo goes.)

here's the real pisser. see the rubber coupling there? that's not supposed to be there. you only use those things in "emergency" repairs.

"so why is a temporary pipe thingy sealed away inside a wall behind your toilet" you ask? simple, it's cheaper than doing it the right way.

the funny thing is that no one has been using this bathroom since October of last year (save for the occasional guest), so for the amount of damage that was done this had to be going on for years... and that's just about the time frame that the unit below me has been vacant.

yup, for nearly two years, every time someone has washed their hands or poured something down the drain this pipe has dumped the water right into the wall filling the ceiling of the unit below me. (always wanted an indoor pool).

my first reaction was to do what any sound minded homeowner would do, i called "my insurance company". allow me to tell you what they said about my policy:

Mr. Exile, you policy does not cover the following:
-Water Damage
-water damage to other Units resulting from your unit
-repairs
-parts
-mold or mold removal
Your policy does cover:
-hiring a Leak Detection
-damages done while detecting the leak
Oh, and Mr. Exile, you also have a $1,000 deductible

when i asked what my policy did in fact over he told me it was "slip and fall" protection and "fire damage". (mental note, buy better insurance)

there is one stroke of luck to this tail of woe, my dad was/is a general contractor and "Mr. Fix-it Extraordinaire". he was so enthralled with fixing this problem that he made it a daily routine to come over and tinker on my condo. he'd call me and tell me he wanted me to come over an help, but by the time i got home from work he was already done for the day.

i think his rational for tackling this project were that:
1. he was helping his family, and that makes anyone feel ten feet tall
2. it got him out of the house and away from my mother
3. it's been a long time since he did work like this and was so appreciate for it.
4. because he knew he could (between the cancer, radiation, and Kemo, i think he needed to do stuff to feel like his old self again.)

as usual my dad came through will flying colors. he...
-fixed the pipe,
-patched up the wall,
-killed the mold
-patched up downstairs
-and reinstalled the toilet (after i couldn't do it. the flange broke...)

of course this beast of a project still won't die, with all the commotion, the toilet is now leaking from the tank. this looks like something i can fix, i just have to replace the bolts, re secure a pipe fitting, sacrifice a goat, and so one (typical toilet fixing stuff.) between this and the stress at work (bleck). I've been too pooped to do anything (which is ironic seeing as through I've been without that toilet, yet pooped. oh the funniness)

so thanks to my dads awesomeness, this has only cost me $50 bucks in parts, and a few weekends doing yard work at my parents house. needless to say it's a small price to pay for it all.

*sigh* I've been living in this condo for three years (this September) and it's been nothing but heartache and woe. an uphill battle scraping together what little i can to feed this place.
-I've had homeless guys living in my garage-I've had a roommate try to steal $3,000 dollars from me
-I'm paying $1400 a month on my condo (that's just mortgage and association) and the condos my grandma owns in this complex are renting for just $950. (i love the housing market! don't you?)
-and now I'm sinking so deep into debt so deep that when i finally unload this place I'll be lucky to break even


the only way i can see to pull my self out of this hole is to get a roommate and a second job... so much for my PS3 Trophies.




Exile

Haiku Fridays

meeting at seven
so boring, I'm half asleep
this chair is comfy

the lights are turned down
projector hums hypnotically
eyelids are heavy

wrapped up in jacket
my head's resting on my hand...
HUH? WHAT? I'M AWAKE!

EXILE

there's a good reason for my lack of blogging...

no, i wasn't curing cancer...
i wasn't feeding the homeless either

i've been collecting trophys! it might not make much sense, but i've been spending all my non-work hours trying to collect trophys in Pixle Junk Eden on my PS3. i'm neck and neck with another guy at work and it's all about bragging rights.

(it's a nerd thing)

hhnt

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The Ground Was Rumble'n Like Momma's Belly At Da Buffet

"Preliminary information from the U.S. Geological Survey estimated the quake
at magnitude 5.8, centered 29 miles east-southeast of downtown Los Angeles
near Chino Hills in San Bernardino County... The quake struck at 11:42 a.m.
PDT."
<<quake map.jpg>>
woooo whoooo! rock and roll. being a cali-boy I've gotten used to
earthquakes. all things considering, if nothing winds up getting destroyed
they're actually pretty fun.

this earthquake offered something I haven't had in a while, multiple reports
from people all over the area. I guess it affected everyone differently.
-For me in Temecula (45 min south of the epicenter), the quake was a gentle
rolling.
-For my dad in corona (25 min south of the epicenter), it was a sharp bang.
(he was driving and thought someone rear-ended him.)
-For Sprinkles in Long Beach (30-35 min north of the epicenter), I was a
sharp drop with a lot of rolling.

yup, that was fun... now, back to not working.

exile

Who Are You Calling A Whore?

This is Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton is often thought of as a moronic, modern-day Marie Antoinette, who's popularity has spread faster than her legs.



Modeling, movies (House Of Wax counts as a movie), parties, guest appearances, television, and so on. but of all the things she's done, the most notable (and notorious) was the sex tape: One Night IN Paris (NSFW). it was in that sex tape her slut reputation was exacerbated beyond all reason and completely surpassed Pam and her honeymoon.



Here's one that might be a shocker for you, but i had not seen the infamous video (NSFW). until the other night. in all honesty, i really had no interest in seeing is (seeing as though i don't find her all that hot) but when you're trolling the internet for free porn you don't get picky.



needless to say i watched Paris get her burger patties pounded. As far as armature porn goes it was "alright." (they did some fun stuff, but nothing phenomenal).

but then there was something toward the very end of the video that kinda stuck with me. while she was pumping him like, well, like someone who really enjoys sucking cock.

(this is at the end of the video)

The Guy-*moronic laugh* how did i get to be so lucky? today's my lucky day?
Paris- *removes wang from mouth* cause you're hot... *then, in a sweet, nearly cooing voice* because you're my boyfriend.


this lead to think about the whole thing with her sex tape. Sure, she was being a slut in the tape, but she was being her boyfriend's slut, and really, there's nothing wrong with that. think about it, when you're with the person you love (and you get over that shy stage) think about all the kinky and naughty things you've done. come one, you know what I'm talking about...
what's on that memory card you keep in the drawer by the bed?
why do you get nervous when other people use your cell phone.?
and of course, there's that folder you have hidden away in a deep dark corner of your hard drive...

oh yes, we've all been the slut, haven't we?


try watching the video (we'll assume it's for the first time), but when you do, forget about your preconceived notions and keep this thought in mind: "how would i feel if someone broke in and stole the tape i made with my partner and mass-distributed it via tape, DVD, and webs sites that jackass bloggers use to devote entire posts to."

as hard as it may be (and it is hard, hehehe), you have to see that while she may be rich and presumably stuck up, she's also a victim in this, having her privacy violated. after all, even if someone chooses to pose nude, what they do in the privacy of their own hotel is their business. every person (even "other HNT" participants) deserve the basic rights to privacy.

but hey, I'm not here to make a saint out of a sinner




Exile

Haiku Fridays

been nine months without
finally found a roommate
but there's a problem...

Condo below me
water leak from my bathroom
needs major repairs

Um, Dear Universe,
Please stop fucking me over.
Can't take much more, thanks.

exile

Spare Some Change

I've been dragging ass at work all morning, the only solution, a can of
Monster.

unfortunately all I had on me is a twenty dollar bill, so I started asking
around for change for the vending machine.

Exile- hey Wilbert, can you break a twenty?
Wilbert- no
Exile- What about you Doug? can you break a twenty.
Doug- Sorry many, I get paid in checks.
Exile- man, how is it that no one here has any cash.
Doug- well, your problem is that you're asking a couple of married men for
change.
Exile- so?
Doug- well, don't you know? married men aren't allowed to carry money. in
order for us to have any cash on us we have to get the ok from our wives
first.
Exile- I see
Doug- if you want change for a twenty you need to ask two weeks in advance,
that way we can get clearance from our wives to have money to walk around
with... I think there's a form too.
Exile- and forget about going through her purse for it.
Doug- I don't touch the purse.
Exile- sure you do, it's right after she says "hold this, I want to try
something on."
Doug- *puts his head down in shame* that's pretty much it.

Exile

A Message To Every Woman Out There Who Viciously Insults The Body She Has

learn from her mistakes


Exile

Something Horrible Is About to Happen...

And Horrible is definitely a good thing.

Sprinkles turning me on to this earlier this week and it's become one of those "you so have to watch this" things with me. I've been telling everyone about it too, it's hi-larious!

the basic plot to the story is this: Dr. Horrible is a love sick aspiring super villain complete with arch Nemeses, Captain Hammer, a super powered Jock. Dr. Horrible's two driving forces are to join the Evil League Of Evil and to win the woman of his dreams (and who hasn't been there, right?)

Now, i have to admit, i empathise with Dr. Horrible. When you watch the first song in Act One you'll get what I'm talking about, just imagine Exile in Goggles...

and, well, you get the idea.

This is something you must check out (see, I'm telling everyone!) the official website is http://www.drhorrible.com/. FYI the vids will only be on the the regular site until sunday night at midnight. after that you'll have to either buy the DVD's, download it on iTunes, or watch bootleg copies on the internet (like everyone else).

i was going to post the vids from Youtube, but the sound is off by half a second and it was driving me insane, so you'll have to settle for just the trailer (i can't do all the work in this relationship, now can i?)



Are You Ready For Something Horrible?*



(*this is not the official tag line, but i thought it was cool)



Exile

Haiku Fridays

Dad's Chemo went well
and no adverse side effects
(such a big relief)

Still doing fliers
Doctor's staff wants to do them
but I need money!

weekend to do list:
clean shower, write short story,
Get "Stardust" Trophies

Exile

HNC- Half Nekk'ed Countdown

Five Weeks

Five weeks until Laughlin.

Five weeks until the first Laughlin trip since my Dad got cancer

Five weeks until Normality is restored to the family again

today my dad went into his first Chemo appointment. the doctors are very optimistic that these treatments will not only remove the harmful cancer but possibly retard it, making it less of a threat.

i could hear it in his voice last nigh that he was nervous, a friend of his that was battling cancer lost the fight over the fourth of July weekend. when she died my dad's hopes of beating the cancer diminished slightly. he's pushnig himself, but the "scaries" (as he calls them) seem to be creeping their way back in.

i know he's going to be feeling weak after his appointments, so I've made my self available if he needs anything. but most of all i'm going to keep him focused on Laughlin. the trip will happen after the (assumedly) last of his Chemo appointments and right now I'm trying to keep the whole family focused on the trip.

an easily achievable goal will give us all hope and confidence when we achieve it, and of course, chicks in bikini's would help any one's moral! hehehe



so this HNT i thought i'd show off not so much Nekk'ed, but a little more of the goal.





HHNT


Exile

An Exile Update

"So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it."
~Willy Wonka
lately I've been busy, not productive, per se, but busy.
-Saturday Night I had the first Burger Night in a long time. it was great, I
had Sprinkles, The Jeff, the Jeff's his chick, a friend of mine from work
(Doug), his wife, and their daughter. it was a so much fun and the PS3 got a
work out as well. Doug showed everyone how to play the game on my system
while I was cooking, then showed off his prowess in Warhawk. matter a fact,
the next time I signed in I had ranked up, (he was kick'n the crap out of
the rookies under my name). amidst all the drinking, cooking, and eating I
burned my thumb, The Jeff had sex in my spare bedroom, and I showed everyone
how to shoot a frog out a big giant turd.
-nearly a year ago I hurt my wrist at work (you may recall an HNT with me
and a wrist brace). well, a month ago it randomly started hurting again. it
was strange, I was sound asleep, I woke up with the alarm, hit snooze (cause
I'm lazy), rolled over, and woke up to a horrible stabbing pain in my wrist.
at first I figured it was just something that would go away, so I threw on
the wrist brace and went to work. unfortunately, it only got worse through
out the day, and when I went to take my jacket off it was too severe and I
told HR. unfortunately, now that it's a Workman's Comp issue relating to
something that happened a year ago, everyone is treating me like I'm faking.
the thing is that the "horrible agony" has subsided, but I want to make this
all official so I don't wind up with arthritis in ten years with no
recourse. I wanna be a writer when I grow up, and I don't think I could
handle the irony of finally having the time to write and not the ability.
-there is a new obsession with the PS3, Trophies. essentially they're going
to make it where (nearly) all PS3 games will have trophies you can win for
pulling of particular tasks in a game. things from simply beating levels to
the nearly impossible. there are four of us at work that are competing for
the bragging rights of obtaining these intangible trophies. currently it's
between my Coworker, and my self. he's only three trophies ahead of me, but
he can't seem to make progress on the other ones. The one trophy we are both
gunning for is in the game Super Star Dust HD in which you must play a level
where all you're armed with is 10 Bombs (as opposed to regular play that
gives you three types of infinite ammo and a rocket booster rammer thingy).
the way you get the trophy on this one is to obtain 15 Bombs. the catch is
that the only way to get bombs is blow up these "trucks" that only appear
every 30 seconds, and when you blow them up you only get two bombs. so it
means either blow up one truck at a time 5 times over, or try to blow up two
truck at the same time. regardless, this has been a nightmare to try and get
because a) every time you use a bomb you lose a bomb, two steps forward, one
step back, and b) there is a constant flood of meteors and magnetic bombs
all over your nuts.
-every morning my drive to work take about twenty to twenty-five minutes.
today I had a truck in front of me the whole way. we were making good time
so I didn't need to pass him. but what I want to know is how it's possible
to pick and flick boogers for that long? the entire time I was on the free
way his are would disappear in the window, then reappear a moment later
rolling and flicking nostril shrapnel from his finger tips.
so what's new with you?
exile

Zen

with the every day stresses and woes, it's hard to find a little zen.

for me, my place of zen is my balcony at 1am. it's that time of night where you can just feel that you are all alone.

woth nothing but the sounds of the night and low hum of a box fan in an adjacent window.

it's in this quiet time i feel the most at peace, the most alive.

i'm typing this on my phone to share my little slice of zen with you. to show you that it's not hard to find, and sometimes it's not where you look, but when.

find your place in the night, breathe in the cool air, and let your self pretend the sound of that one lonely taxi cruising down the street is the sound of the surf crashing on the shore.

(fyi this post would have had a much different tone if that fucking dog down the street was barking again)

exile