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Exile Industries: Department of Redundancy Department

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Crush Calculator

Do you have a crush?
Wanna see if then numbers add up?
Try The Crush Calculator




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Um....

Why wasn't I told about this?

http://www.walken2008.com/

What the hell am I paying you people for?

(I don't care what his platform is, he so has my vote.)


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

HNT: Don't Make Me Go Zelda On You


Don't make me go Zelda on you
Originally uploaded by Exile509.
Another Pic of your favorite Half Nekked Gamer.

if you're a gamer than you get it, and if you don't, you just don't.

I'm classically trained baby.

(ps, for you Exile Industries history buffs, remember when I shaved off the goatee? well, this is all that's grown in, no trimming... So sad...)

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Ye-argh! I Have Been Tagged

Thanks Libra for tagging be so hard (you could have at least left me cab fare when you were done with me...)

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:

blow ___
hand ___
Manager @ Blockbuster (it's like having your soul sucked out through a blue shirt with a yellow collar)
veterinary tech (lots of dog poop...)

FOUR MOVIES YOU WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:

Fight Club ("first one through this door gets a... a... LEAD SALAD")
Mystery Men ("God gave me a gift, I shovel well.")
South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut ("Shut your fucking face uncle fucker...")
Shawshank Redemption ("Andy Dufrane, a man who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side")


FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE LIVED:

Trabuco Canyon, California
Rancho Santa Margurita, California
Santa Ana, California
Lake Elsinore, California (wait, this list isn't improving...)

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:

Babylon 5 ("I trust you about as far as I can throw this station")
Maximum Exposure ("Earth: The World's Most Dangerous Planet")
The Venture Brothers ("Stop wiggle'n around you jackass")
Robot Chicken ("... and in other news, Voltron got served")

FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:

Tiajuana/Rosarita (smells like pee)
Canada (even the graffiti is nice)
Santa Barbara ("the old soak 'n' poke")
Laughlin (family wide, week long bender)

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:

Burgers (if I'm going to eat anything pink, it won't be my burger)
Meat loaf (it's like bread, but made out of meat)
Steak, no pink ("meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty fucking good"~ Dennis Leary)
Um, I don't know if my 4th one is technically a food, but I love eating it...

FOUR PLACES YOU WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:

Snowboarding (no, it's not a place, so pick a place to snowboard and I'll go there... Ass)
The Las Vegas Sex-po
In a really kick ass video game (I'm a nerd, what?)
In bed with Peaches


There you go Libra, I jumped through your little hoop, now post some naked pics already, sheesh.


(I'm tired from posting all these links now...)

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I Blame Amber

Unnnnngh...

Oh sweet dead baby Jesus I feel sick...

I feel like something is chewing my way out of my stomach, and it's in a hurry.

so why does my stomach hurt?

it's all Amber's fault.

it's also Imbarito's fault (Spanish for Little Amber.)

here's the story.

My roommate Amber, calls me on my way home:
Amber- I just wanted to let you know that when you come home there's pigeon
Exile- a pigeon?
Amber- yeah.
Exile- Um, ok.
Amber- well, I though it was you
Exile- I'm sure you did.
Amber- No, I heard something at the door, and I thought I was you trying to come in, so, like a dope, I kept opening the door, but no one was there. And then I was this pigeon.
Exile- and?
Amber- and it won't leave.
Exile- is it dead
Amber- no, and it wants to come in
Exile- well, don't let it in
Amber- well duh, I just thought I'd let you know so when you came home you could take care of it.
Exile- I'll make sure to step on it.


So I arrive home and sure enough there's a pigeon sitting on my door mat. So, in my coming-home-tired-kind-of-way, I asked it to leave. Then I asked it with the side of my foot. (relax PETA) I gently scooted it with my foot, but it didn't' run or fly away, it just nuzzled my foot. So I went inside and grabbed my "pigeon chuck'n gloves" and scooped the flying rat up.

here's the kicker... it let me.

it didn't peck, scratch, or even complain, it just coo-ed a little. So I looked around the complex (pigeon in hand, Amber in tail) and there was no place to throw the bird. So it was back to the Condo where we tried to call the animal protection people. Turns out no one give a shit about pigeons (naturally). While in the clear box that I put the pigeon in (which was not in my condo) the damn thing became attached to me. How do I know, you may ask? Well, the bird started to freak out if I walked away, but calmed down if I came back. (what can I say, chicks dig me.) BTW, this is not a baby, this is a full grown pigeon...

so I figured I'd send the pigeon to the one place I knew would take it... My Grandma...

so after dropping off the bird my Grandma made me stay and eat (while both her and amber humiliated me with a hat...).

Ok, you're thinking Grandma=homecook'n=yum

this isn't' the case. My grandma is... Um... Well, she's my nuts. The chicken noodle soup has noodles that look like they're made out of spewdum and chunks of real undercooked chicken ("where are the other chickens she had," I wondered). Yeah... Well, I had to eat it because (1.) it would hurt her feels if I didn't and (2.) she hits me when I don't eat her cooking.

the chicken noodle soup has been pecking it's way out of me all day today

so as I run spell check on this entry and simultaneously run to the restroom remember to thank Amber for this adventure and post, cause you know I'm going to...



Imbarito
Nature's D Student


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

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Bad Wires

I still have some bad wires in my head.

Ok, I've always had some bad wires in my head. As far back as I can remember, the wiring in this old house has always been on the verge of a system wide short.

When I broke up with my ex, the inevitable short came, and it blew the circuit breakers. I think it even knocked out a transformer (the thing on the telephone pole, not the robot car...). The second shock to the system came about when I wrote the System Down post. When we broke up back in march I should have immediately pulled my self up by the boot straps and moved on like I always did, but instead I just let the decay set in. I'm not sure why, maybe it was just not wanting to deal with the burden of repair, maybe I was just tired of trying to fix myself, but I just didn't really move on.

I just wallowed there.

I had said many times before that I had lost everything, but no one really understood what I meant. They always though I was just mopey because I lost my girlfriend, but I lost a lot more. Essentially, all the good parts of my personality died. (to be honest I was glad they did.) I was tired of fighting the disease that welled up inside me.

they say time heals all wounds, well, it also leave a bitch of a scar too.

after the break up I resorted to my old ways, I returned to being the "vampire of flesh" that I once was. Except now I knew what a hollow existence that was. it was like allowing a prisoner to see a perfect sunset on a beach, only to slam them back into their cell.

the future looked pretty bleak, after all, with a drive to become better than I was I felt inclined to slide down the slope of decay. It's a sad state of affairs when darkness and damnation has a welcoming presence.

Luckily I did have a few saving graces, I had a couple of friends who didn't want me to slip away, and while it may have been only over the phone (and through Mexican calling cards) it kept me going.

I've always been an equal mix of light and dark, and I've always teetered on the precipice between the two.

like I said, time heals all wounds (yes, I'm claiming credit).

but my scars still remain.

to illustrate this fact, I point out that I have a girlfriend now, a beautiful girl who I've nicknamed Peaches, and I must say I'm quite smitten with this girl (I'm in deep smitt). She makes me feel a way that that I haven't felt in a long time, she makes me feel loved. (which works out well seeing as though I'm in love with her.) we have one of those puzzle piece relationships that many long for, we meet the needs of one another perfectly (if one wants, the other gives, and vice versa.) no needs go unmet.

unfortunately my scars still remain. See, I thought I had this with my ex, but when our relationship ground to an end I found that this wasn't the case at all. Needless to say my trust was violated, and it was my own damn fault.

this has resulted in me "second guessing" everything I do. I am completely open and honest with Peaches, I tell her everything, even things I keep hidden away from those I trust most. And when I do things I do them with out reservation (usually people are open with words, but not actions). This is where concern falls in.

the scars lie in my judgment and confidence

everything thing I did with my ex I did out of love, and it eventually drove her away, so what if it happens again? If I couldn't tell that what I was doing was wrong the last time around, how will I know now? How bad is the wiring in this machine?

the one thing I know is that I love her and that I'll do everything I can to make her happy.

I listen to her and remember everything she tells me.
I study every thing about her.
I always try and make her laugh.
I did her dishes (it hurts her back to lean over the sink for that long.)
I try and surprise her (even if it's just a bar of soap).
I always have that spot in my arms reserved specially for her
and I always tell her that I love her.


I hope it's enough, especially with all these bad wires.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Friday, January 20, 2006

In Regards To Breeding

Ignorance is bliss.

I don't need to know, I don't want to know.

placenta



Please leave me ignorant on this one, thank you.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Know Your Schitt

You don't know jack


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

BLECK!

Uggh!

Fle-bleck...

Black licorice is fucking nasty. I'm sorry, that is the candy equivalent of evil.

It's like someone set out to make a candy flavored like Satan's anal leakage.

It's so disgusting that it's on par with candy corn.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Exile Archive: So You Think You Know Me?

This was an old post I wrote a month or so ago, so I figured I should post it before I lose it.
enjoy.




Lately I’ve seen everyone putting up lists on their blogs, the “10 Things About Me.” I like the concept, but I’m going to tinker with it a bit, so instead I give you this:
10 Things (You Think) You Know About Me.

1. I hate children. (This honestly bothers me, I’ve lost many women in my life because when they find out I hate kids they bail. Child hate = alone.)

2. I’ve been live’n the single life since March. (I’ve never gotten the hang of this single thing; I’m just not good at it.)

3. I donate blood often. (Every three months I do a selfless act for humanity for 20 min, after that, go back to my “Humanity Can Fuck It’s Self” view of the world.)

4. I know that I could make some girl very happy some day. (I tend to try and “make someone happy,” not just let them be. “I’ll make you happy even if it makes you miserable.”)

5. Every time I meet a pretty girl in person that I’m interested I completely stumble over my words and blow it. (Each time I kick my self because I know that if I just start talking, I’m there.)

6. I prefer pleasure to pain in every situation. (I’ve gone though so much pain, seen so much pain, and caused so much, that I never want to be the source of it again.)

7. I’m a video game junkie. (I play a lot of video games as a means of filling in the time that I’m not being productive. It happens to be a lot of time.)

8. I’m rather pleased with the way my condo is coming along, the unpacking is nearly complete and the place is looking quite respectable. (It’s just stuff.)

9. I’m a writer. (I cannot write with out a source of inspiration. So without a muse… well, it’s HNT after HNT post.)

10. I thoroughly enjoy sex. (… Actually, this one is pretty “spot on.”)



(Can you tell i wasn't a happy camper when i wrote this?)


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Fun With Caps

I thinK that my subcoNsciOus likes to play WIth the cap-LOck key. eVEry time it happens i think it MaY be trying to Proclaim somEthing, A seCret it wisHES i would just tell already.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Bra Size Breakdown

Brasizes

acceptable

beautiful

colossal

dramatic

enhanced

frightening



Personally, i love boobs, big or small, as long as i get to play with them they're the perfect size.



Except for those F's, i mean, yikes. that's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Neurotically Yours

Seeing as though I have a new girlfriend I felt I must confess something.

I am a neurotic person…

No, I actually meant to type neurotic this time (though erotic would fit nicely).

See, here’s the deal, I’m not a complete basket case like Monk, but I do have numerous little neuroses that have always just been there.

Here are A few examples:

Door locking~ I can’t be comfortable in a room unless the doors are locked, especially if I’m sleeping there
Organizing~ I have to sort things and make sure everything matches
Obsessive problem solving~ I can’t leave a puzzle unsolved; this is why you don’t leave me with a Rubik’s Cube.
Nit picking~ I keep tinkering with things, I can’t leave things broken or with imperfections without working on them.


The list goes on, but I’m in an “I can’t be that crazy” mood, so I’ll stop there. But I digress…

These neuroses are mine, I usually don’t’ let anyone in close enough to have to deal with them, and the few that I have are usually bothered by them or just ignore them. But when I love someone that person winds up within their sphere of influence.
For me, loving someone makes them an extension of myself, and thusly they become entwined with my neuroses. Peaches (my new girlfriend) is finding this one out first hand.

When I’m sleeping with the person I love I have to lock the doors around them, be it at her home or my own. Even if it’s leaving the car to go into a convenience store I have to make sure the doors are locked on the car.

The organization thing comes into play too; if you’re wondering how, realize that on Sunday night we spend part of the evening rolling her change (almost $200 worth).

My obsessive problem solving means that I’m always interested in the woman I love, and that I’m always attempting to solve the mystery that she is. I ask questions, and retain every bit of information I can to better compile a full profile on her. It’s my way of making a piece of her that I can carry around with me (far better than making hair dolls, hehehe)

The biggest problem is the Nit Picking. Essentially thing means that after every shower I run my fingers across every part of her body inspecting her. Any blemishes, stray hairs, or anything at all that requires attention will be worked on. (Pimples, clogged pores, random hairs…) Ironically this is probably the most direct outlet that my neuroses use to express their love and yet this makes women the most uncomfortable.

All in all I can understand that this makes a lot of women uncomfortable, I just don’t really understand why. Luckily I’ve found someone who understands this, a girl who gets that this is the way I am, where in the past this behavior was tolerated or ignored, Peaches seems to embrace it and appreciate it.

It feels good to know that my neuroses are accepted, but it feels better that I feel this way with her.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Friday, January 06, 2006

And Now, A Moment In The Life Of Exile

While sitting at his desk Exile begins thinking about what day Super Bowl Sunday will be on this year.

Exile: Ed, are you there? (yells over the cubical wall)
Ed: Yeah.
Exile: Do you know what day Super Bowl Sunday is on?
Ed: Well, it's on a Sunday...
Exile: Thanks Ed, that was a big fuck'n help.

That was a moment in the life of Exile


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Thursday, January 05, 2006

HNT: Half Nekk'ed Towel Rack

"One cool Frood who knows where his towel is"

HNT towel rack


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Foamy, The Anti-Drug

I thought about doing an entire rant about legalizing pot, but then I remembered that Foamy from Nocturnally Yours did it for me.

So if you want to hear my opinion spouted from a pissed off squirrel click here


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Vaccine

A vaccine is serum created from “killed” microbes in order to stimulate the immune system. The use of the vaccine results in the system it’s self, creating the antibodies needed to fight off the virus that the vaccine was intended for.

By learning to fight off a weaker version of the virus, the body becomes capable of fighting off greater threats, ultimately becoming stronger.



I know what I am.
I know what I could become.
If I have choice, I’d rather be a vaccine than a virus.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com