Wit And Wisdom Of Harry The Happy Hobo

I decided some time ago to write a self-help book for starving college students (such as my self) and I plan to sprinkle though out the book snippits from Harry the Happy Hobo. He's essentially a character I came up with that will be crudely drawn through out the book. Usually when people look through a book they only see the pictures and only read the captions.

Here's some snippits of wisdom from Harry The Happy Hobo.

• Dented cans aren't just good eats, they're cheap. Just don't dent'em in front of the employees. They don't like that.
• Always ask for a discount, there aint nothin' wrong with trading dignity for 10% off goods and services.
• Keep a student ID on ya at all times, even if you're not a student you can still get some discounts.
• Sandwiches are good and cheap, so get used to them.
• Don't look like you have money, cuz people will be right there to take it from ya.
• Keep the mindset of being poor, people are much more willing to help you out if you ain't got much.
• If someone has enough money to go throwing it away, don't be embarrassed to scoop it up.
• Recycling saves the planet and all that crap, but do it right and there's good money in it.
• Getting drunk at home is way cheaper than at a bar.
• Buy durable clothes, ain't no use in disposable undies.

Exile

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Oh Can-A-Da!

Wow, I never thought of using tigers in a lawsuit like this. They were usually my escape plan, but this is new.

I won't spoil all the fun from this article but I will highlight something. a young couple gets lightly mauled by a tiger in a car safari thing after the windows rolled down on their own. This is valid. The girl is a stripper, and she states the scars she received would make it difficult for her to make a living. This is somewhat valid, (although we've all see ugly strippers, so...) The boyfriend is also going to sue because the wounds on his arm will make it difficult to play his musical instrument. This is partially valid (how many guys do we know that say they're in a band, yeah, no real loss.) the musical instrument he plays is the accordion. INVALID, unless he's weird al yankovic that cannot count.

Here's the whole story:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=2&u=/nm/20050128/od_nm/life_canada_stripper_dc



Exile

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This Just In

INT. TELEVISION NEWS STUDIO -- NIGHT

Two newscasters (Stephanie and Todd) sit at their desk reporting the Ten O'clock News.

While Stephanie wraps up her report Todd frantically looks over his shoulder, a look of fear shoots across his face

STEPHANIE

... And that's what I call a sticky situation. Todd.

Stephanie looks over at Todd giving him his cue to start his report. Todd does not look back at Stephanie and nervously looks under the Desk

STEPHANIE

Um, Todd?

Todd pops his head back out from under the desk, his hair is completely disheveled.

TODD

Sorry about that Stephanie...

Todd looks over his shoulder again then back at the camera. His face, now frozen with terror.

TODD

I don't mean to alarm our viewing audience

our very souls may be in grave danger.

Stephanie, stunded, stares at Todd

TODD

I fear that a demonic force has taken controll

of me in an effort to controll the media. I can

only assume that I am possessed by one of the

foulest demons ever to be spawned from hell.

Todd runs his hand though messy hair attempting to gain compsure. this only results in making his hair stand straight up.

TODD

Although it is unclear at this time I do know

that the demons know everything i'm going

to do before I do it. they even seem to have a

firm grasp of future events, often telling me of

things happening on the far reaches of the globe.

Stephanie looks away from her co-anchor and put her hand up to her ear. angrily she reaches over and pulls Todd's earpiece out of his ear.

Todd quizically looks down at his shoulder where his earpiece now sits.

TODD

Huh? So it was an ear piece.

Stephanie quickly picks up her note cards and taps them on the desk

STEPHANIE

...And in other news...

Exile

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Pretty-fying My Blog

Yay, I'm taking a HTML class and I'm learning how to do all this blog stuff too. Be afraid, I now have a sidebar!

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Ahhhh... dilbert.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Cave man dating service

1ST OFF , HOW MANY GUYS DO YOU KNOW THAT ARE THAT FAR REMOVED FROM CAVEMEN?

Here's the guys perspective: a sports car is fun to drive but not very practical. a minivan is very practical, but not that fun. Good thing there are so many test drives available.

You can ask the same thing of women: why do girls always go out with jerks who are good looking but treat them badly, then settle down with some dork with a decent job?

It's a simple double standard. Much like the double standard that women have with prostitutes, and yet they must go out on a certain amount of expensive dates before they'll sleep with a guy.
don't get me wrong, guys are slime, but women sleep with them.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Rubber News

I hate buying condoms.

This is a necessity in modern day life, and yet it's never easy. For some reason the condoms are always placed in the worst part of the store, mixed among the feminine hygiene products. The condoms are usually nestled amidst tampons and feminine napkins. On the opposite side of the isle are the diapers and old people ointments. So of course there is always an old person or collection of dirt children. Be it embarrassment or reality, or both, every one seems to be starring while you shop. It doesn't even matter what time you do your shopping there always seems to be the woman with so many kids crawling on her cart that you know she's never seen a condom before shopping right next to you. And while you're reading over the smallest font ever to be put on a product the writing pile of children next to you begins to stare with their simian eyes.

You can't just make snap decisions when selecting the one thing that will stand between you and the worst disease you can ever catch, children. Condoms are something more than what you wrap your penis in. Each package and brand contains different qualities; lubed, non lubed, spermicide, studded or ribbed. All of this must be weighed heavily, durability, reliability... Then I grab the cheapest ones and I'm off.


Exile

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Which Extremity of the World Are You?

YOU ARE THE ATACAMA DESERT
You are the driest area on Earth. Your annual rainfall is roughly the depth of a dollar bill. In fact, often you can go for several years without any precipitation whatsoever. If you wanted to fill a pint glass by rainfall alone, you would have to have started in 1704, five years before the invention of the piano; to get enough water to drown a man of average height would take 3600 years, or the time between us and the Hittites. You really put Canadian "dry" ginger ale into perspective.



Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

I noticed the ref to a canadian drink and just realized the majority of the people who read this are canadian. hmmm... can i be your president? I know i have a vote from Mitzzee (http://ewlala.blogspot.com/)

Exile

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Frown On My Ideas Will You?

Sure, everyone looked down on my idea for meat flavored gum. But tell me this, if it's such a bad idea why is it so many people buy beef jerky? Yeah, where's your God now?

Exile

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And you get what's comming to you.

Normally i don't sneer at people who have it better then my self. sometimes i sneer at those who have more money and didn't earn it. I'm usually iffy about people who win it. but the winner of Survivor, Richard Hatch, is now in some deep shit, and i'm sneering. Why sneer, you ask? well, if you win 1 million dollars and get paid oodles of cash to do some promoting and you forget to file it on your taxes, i'm gonna sneer. It look like richard is in for one hell of an audit, 10 years in prison and a fine of $500,000.


Here's the whole story:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=3&u=/nm/20050118/od_nm/crime_survivor_dc


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Job Slob

One of the most irritating situation that we all must go though is that of interview for a job. This is usually an excruciating time because you have to dance the interview dance and word everything just right. It's always the same scenario, you arrive at the future employers office, either really early or way too late. You fill out your basic info on a clipboard racking your brain for the name of your boss from three years ago. While sitting in the reception room chairs you realize everyone is staring because you are so over dressed with your tie and dress shoes. You make a mental inventory of things that don't normally cross your mind, "How long ago did I brush my teeth?" "Am I wearing too much deodorant?" " Do I really want to work here?" "Ok, I have two clean copies of my resume and a credit card bill that I don't have money enough to pay." Finally you're called in to meet with your interviewer. The conversation is quite vague in regards to the work you'll be doing, all they want to know is how fast you type and if you're on drugs. You have to keep your self from making any incriminating jokes and stick to interview humor. "well my last boss offered to buy me a hammock for my cubicle, because I worked so much" (that's a side splitter). Or "there are few things in life I love more than filing, but not many." you can't make the jokes you want to make, like the question like "so how do you feel about working under a woman?" I can't reply "well, I find that when their on top I have to do less work." after an hour of mind numbing questions they then ask you "is there anything you'd like to know about the job." um, yeah, there's tons of stuff, I can't ask though, it will make me look bad. "I have a question, how much are you going to pay me?" "Can my hours be ten to seven? I like to sleep in." "how strict are you with the whole sexual harassment thing?" the end of the interview is left off with "ok, I'm going to look over your resume and well be in touch." wonderful, now I have to keep in mind that I might not get this job, but I have to do this ten more times this week and they most likely will be for nothing.

On your drive home you start thinking to your self "well, being homeless wouldn't be so bad, it would be like camping every day. I used to like camping."


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Guy Friends

If you have a dog it loves you, but it will eat your sandwich if you're not careful. Guys are the same way. All your guy friends want to sleep with you because they want to sleep with attractive women. If you can't look past that there's a problem.

Regardless of the type relationship, we look for the traits in other person that would be similar to a perspective mate. Sense of humor, good looks, loyalty, these are all things we look for.
the long and the short of it is if you're a girl with guy friends he's going to try and eat your sandwich.

Exile

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I'm Contagious!

you knew there was a reason you just couldn't get rid of me:



Which Horrible Affliction are you?
A Rum and Monkey disease.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

A Place In The Sun

I want to go to a place where I can lay on my back in grass that doesn't itch and watch the clouds lazily transverse the sky. I want to go to this place and forget about who I am and what I have done. I want to lay in this field and, if just for a moment, for get how much I hate my self, and the reasons behind such feelings.

I used to frequent such a place, but she doesn't let me in any more.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Tinker Toy

Ok, if you don't already know me, I am one of those people who can't stop messing with something if it doesn't seem to be working right. I'll spend 2 days straightening a Christmas tree, I'll spend hours hanging pictures so they're not crooked.

Needless to say I've done the same thing to my blog. This is a very basic template for a blog, but somehow I've done major damage to it. I have no side bar (save for my archives) and all the stuff I wanted on the side of the blog is on the bottom. I don't know why, but there's a pile of stuff at the bottom of this blog (scroll all the way down.)

If anyone knows how to put a side bar on a blog by all means let me know. I want to give props to the blogs I read, but I can't do much if they're all at the bottom. I mean, who reads the stuff all the way down there?


Exile

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Barf Sue-P

This is re-god-damn-diculous! There is a man actually suing NBC because he puked over an episode of Fear Factor. it was an episode where they ground up rats and people had to eat/drink the remains of the rodents. I don't know what is more horrific, that people would do this stuff or that people actually watch this stuff. This show is by far the most "dumbening" show on television. Contestants either perform scary stunts wearing safety harnesses or eat nasty things like a bulls penis. But what I don't understand is how this guy could possibly think he could win this case? Before every stunt there is a ten minute build up, they go over every mind numbing nuance. Then the contestants chow down. He had plenty of time to turn the channel, even if he turned to it when the stunt was happening just keep clicking. We've all stumbled onto the medical channel where their slicing open someone's scrotum, it's nasty, so turn it. This jackass clearly sat there watching the show. As soon as they said "then after you grind up the rat, drink it's mousy goodness" turn the channel. There's also the fact that he's suing for $2.5 million dollars. I'm sorry but if you're watching reality TV, and you can't figure out to turn the channel, there is nothing in your home worth $2.5 million that you could have ruined with Exorcist style vomit. If reality TV is your focus of entertainment then you are definitely blue color, and I'm sure there's a red neck under that.


http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=10&u=/nm/20050106/od_nm/television_rat_dc


Exile

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Teh

I suddenly don't feel so bad about making the same typo atleast 50 times a day:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Teh is a common typo for "the". This misspelling of the most common word in the English language is so common that it is one of the words in the auto-correct lists of spell-checkers in popular word processing applications, such as Microsoft Word or Corel WordPerfect.
In the online slang known as Leet, it is deliberately used in place of the word the. Here it is often spelled with a numeral 3 in place of the E, when simple "th3" is not used. For example, TEH or T3H are the traditional spellings of "the" when part of the phrase "PH33R T3H ____".
Besides being an alternate spelling of the, teh also has grammatical properties not generally applied to the. It can be used with proper names, as in "teh John"; compare the usage of the definite article in Greek: ο Ιωαννης, literally "the John".
As in English, teh can be used as an intensifier for adjectives coming from the superlative form. Teh takes this a bit further, applying this in a somewhat sarcastic form. in "That is teh lame" means "That is the lamest thing" which should probably be interpreted as "That is quite lame".
Compare standard English constructions like "Blessed are the meek", but note that unlike the, teh creates singular as well as collective nouns.
Teh is often used in all caps and with other jocular misspellings.
The intentional use of teh is especially characteristic of the writings of Jeff K., who likely popularized it.
In Malaysia, teh means tea.

www.Wikipedia.com

Exile

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"A candle lit on the other side of the world? Wow, that sure made the hunger pains subside."

Let's see, 150,000 people killed by some very pissed off waves, homes completely erased from the map, the living staggering among the dead. You know what they need over there, for us to light some candles.

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050102/wl_nm/quake_nordics_dc_2

Are these people fucking retarded? Sweden, America, all over the world people are lighting candles and saying prayers to support the victims of the tsunami, why? These people are wandering their streets whit piles of rotting human bodies littering the roads. Saltwater is still pooling in their homes and on the ground. Most of them have no electricity, no food, no water, no shelter, and no medicine. I'm sure not everyone out there is a Horticulturalist, but salt destroys the soils' ability to grow plant life. Their food supply was destroyed, this means starvation and massive migrations, all of their water, including most of the ground water, is now contaminated with salt and sewage, and rotting flesh is a breeding ground for the worlds nastiest plagues. Remember the black plague?

Every day we hear about people huddling together in churches praying to God, (who, by the way, really could have stopped this one if he wanted,) but not sending anything to these victims. a prayer is not going to do shit for these people, food will. Candle light won't do anything for these people, clean water will. The only thing praying and lighting candles does is makes the person who's committing these trivial acts to feel like they did something to help. Seeing as though tsunamis and such are usually considered God's will praying to him might not help. "God was unavailable for comment."

These churches and community centers should be ashamed of themselves, pretending to care contributing to the surplus of false hope. If they really cared they should be creating blood drives, clothing drives, and supporting relief funds.

Our government it's self is really dropping the ball on this one. This is our chance to show the world that we actually have a good side, instead of playing out the role of The Middle East Invaders. We could easily use our military to run a clean up and construction crew through there and rescue thousands, instead we're fighting in some nameless country rich in dirt and nothing else. I suppose putting down the guns and uniting for a common good is only beneficial if the price is right. I mean, where is the profit in helping those in need? The war machines need their fuel, after all.

With a government saying we'll provide help they'll never see, and people pledging to light candles on the other side of the globe it's clear the true tragedy is self-righteous, not the tsunami.

If you have a candle and really want to help mail it to these people, at least that way you'll do some good with it.


Exile

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