Enough Fairy Tales

Twenty Eight years old is a bit too old to still believe in fairy tails, yet for some reason my stupid ass still does.

i still believe in childish concepts like love, and i still have some hope that hope carry me through. but it won't.

now, i know all two of my remaining readers are thinking that this is untrue, that love is real, and that hope prevails. but unfortunately you're forgetting that I'm not talking about anyone else, I'm talking about myself.

love does not exist for me, it's a fantasy. things like me don't find love, we're supposed to just live on the fringe of humanity, dwelling in the darkness. i should be feeding on the flesh that is thrown my way, and when said scraps don't come my way the i should use this wretched, malfunctioning mind to make sure it does.

for some reason, i got it stuck in this foul contraption that being a good person, something which defies my nature in every facet, would result in my finding the right girl. someone who could love me for who i am and what i am. again, childish logic. "a shit leopard can't change it's shit spots," and i can't be anything I'm not.

no don't me wrong, i tried. oh sweat dead baby Jesus I've tried. I've tried with girls that i thought would understand. girls that have been taken for granted, used, abused, mistreated, and cheated on. And what did i find? i found that i am the one who is taken for granted, used, thrown away, treated like shit, and left for dead.

hell, the last girlfriend was so terrified that i was going to leave her "for being overweight" (which she wasn't) that she was reduced to to tears in the shower. yet she had no problem fucking around with another couple (yes couple) behind my back. (turns out that scene from Old School isn't so funny when it happens to you.) the rational behind this was that i was giving her what she needed, but not what she wanted. luckily you can't break a broken heart, right? i mean after the ugliness that had happened before, i still managed to get my worthless heart to open up again to let someone in and all i got was cut for it. i knew my heart was worthless, but she made sure to drive the point home. but hey, i deserved it, i was treating her better than any one had before, it was obviously better than she deserved.

you would think that i would have learned, two chicks in a row cheat on me. the said they loved me to my face, they said it with a smile full of daggers, they said it with alligator tears. And i wanted to believe in my little fairy tale so much that i swallowed down these heaps of shit and asked for more.

and still, still i haven't fucking learned.

just look at me now. for the past three months i have been trying to ask out this bowling alley angle that i've had my heart set on. a beautiful girl that managed to get my worthless heart to flutter when she smiled. idiotically i though "maybe this is the one, maybe she'll get me." such a moron, every time i talked to her i couldn't' say a word. i couldn't string the phrase "will you go out with me" together and instead just made a joke and mumbled when she'd turn around.

so nervous, so pathetic, that eventually my dad wound up setting me up to ask her out...

so i asked, i got a phone number, i got a smile, i got a flutter...

bull shit.

we set up a "lunch date" that she was too busy to show up for, but that's OK, she was too busy to return a phone call, or even a txt message. idiot, moron, buffoon, i was so hopeful that this stupid fairy tail could still happen that i built my hopes up.

the sad thing is that i didn't even build them up that much, all i wanted was to take a girl that i liked out. i wasn't planning on fucking her, i wasn't planning on any thing vile, all i wanted was to just take her out to dinner. (i just wanted to feel special).

two weeks without a phone call, two weeks without a txt. how little can you possibly mean to anyone if you're not even worth a phone call.

but it doesn't end there, see, i tried to set up another date with another girl, still haven't heard back from her either.

your average lab monkey usually learns by the third or forth jolt that the red lever on the food machine is bad. not me, on no, because i believe that I'll find love and i still hold out hope for this asinine concept.

stupid, stupid, little boy. still thinking that love will fix things when it doesn't even exist (doesn't exist for me, yeesh i already went over that).

I've had three weeks off of work, and i've spent the entire time alone. "but wait" someone in the crowd says, "didn't you spend time with your Christmas." yeah, i did, and we all know that when you're single and surrounded by family you never feel alone.

"well, what about snowboarding?" snowboarding was fun, but once again lonely. i mean, sure, we were drunk the majority of the time, but being up on the slopes and seeing tons of cute snow bunnies all over the place. and before you ask, no, i didn't ask any of them out, girls don't snowboard single, it's the same thing as laughlin... but colder. (single girls don't go to these places, they always go with guys who own a bunch of gear or pay for the trip.)

part of me wants to say that this is the "holiday depression" kicking in, but really, i've felt like this way before Christmas, and i have a feeling i'm going to be like this for a lot longer... they're already putting up Valentines Day crap up at Walmart.

oh, and just to add to the whole "i don't learn" thing, i found a post from three years ago saying nearly everything i've stated here.

I need to stop looking, i need to stop trying, i need to put on a pair of sweatpants and let the rest of my twenties be absorbed into the couch.


Exile