I'm Sorry, About My Penis

I would like this opportunity to apologies in advance for things I have no control over that occasionally offend people or will offend people in the future.

• To all my friend-girls: Sometimes when I give you a hug it feels good, often really good. Many of these times I will unintentionally become aroused. Call it what you will, but I would like to preemptively address the issue. Occasionally (actually, it's more like often) my penis will have a mind of it's own. it sees an opportunity to come out and play and does so. If you find this offensive then I apologize, but really, you should take the compliment for what it is.
• To the girl with the big boobs: You have really nice boobs, really large nice boobs. You know this, I know this, you can obviously tell I know this. To be honest I'm not totally why I stare, but I do have a few theories. Regardless of why I do it I do, and while many times you purposely draw attention to them, I apologize. But seriously, nice knockers!
• To the person who buys stuff that's already broken: Yeah, about that. See, I'm poor. Very poor. I'm paying my way though college, and so I cut every corner I can. How this brings me to you, well, when I own something and it breaks, often times, instead replacing it I pull a switch-a-roo. I go back to the store, buy a new one, and return my old one in the box with the receipt. Needless to say, you are the one who obviously bought what I broke some how. I know you're going to make a trip back to the store, so I apologize.
• To the person who won't let me merge into your lane on the freeway so I swerve like I'm going to hit you so you slow down and I then cut you off: I'm sorry you're an asshole.
• To Paris Hilton: despite how you act, and how promiscuous you may be I believe that everyone has the right to their personal privacy. With that said I saw your pictures from your sidekick, nice boobies. I know I'm being a hypocrite, but there's something very voyeuristic about looking at pictures of people they didn't intend you to see. Civil rights aside thanks for the free porn. For participating in you invasion of privacy I apologize.
• To the really effeminate gay guy who kept trying to flirt with me: Sorry dude, this sexy isn't for you.
• To the "homeless person with child": Every once and a while I get homeless people asking me for money, they usually throw in "it's for my sick baby at home." I usually reply "well, how much do you want for the baby?" I know that $20 could buy some good crack, but I want a return on my investment. I apologize for offering to buy the baby, the fact of the matter is I would have just backed out of the sale.
• To the person giving away free kittens in the paper: I'm apologize for answering your ad and "adopting" your kitten. It's expensive buying rats for my snake all the time and your kittens were free.
• To humanity: I realize that I will either bring forth doom upon this world, or I have the potential to save the world but won't act on it. Either way you're screwed. For this I apologize.
  

I do hope the preemptive apologize both give you comfort and help you see that I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing regardless of what you really think. Thank you.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com