Dogs VS Children, a steel cage battle to the death

"You want a dog? Well, you better want children. Because that's what dogs are."

This is what someone told me today after I made the statement "I want a dog." Was this lady for real? This statement troubled me a great deal, but it wasn't the first time I've heard it. The fact of the matter is that many people who try and convince me that I should breed often use my desire to own a dog as a argumentative stance. They always say things like how a dog is like a child that is perpetually three years old. They mention how much work they are and that you need to be responsible. I guess that's because there are so many responsible parents out there.

I can't help but to refute this logic. The two arguments that dogs are like children and I should have children because I want a dog are asinine. To resolve this I have decided to create a list (another list you say?) of why I would prefer a dog to a child. More to the point, why dogs are so much better than children.

• if your dog is misbehaving you can lock it in the garage or in the back yard all night. Do this to a child and Child Services will pay you a visit.
• if someone breaks into the house you can call the dog to assist you. If the situation dictates the dog will give it's life for you. With a child you have to protect it from the intruder. This could cost you a nice stereo.
• if someone steals your dog you can go to the pound and buy a new one. If someone kidnaps your child you will have to pay a huge ransom.
• if you're having sex and the dog hears in from the other room it just thinks you're wrestling. If a child hears you having sex it's the same thing, but they have opposable thumbs... Then you have to deal with childhood trauma.
• if your dog won't stop barking you can swat it's nose and say no. If the child won't stop talking you have to give it a timeout, it will most likely say no.
• if you're worried about your dog going out and getting pregnant from another dog you can get it fixed. With a child you have to have some conversation about some birds and bees and then you're a grandparent at 40.
• you can hook a harness to your dog and have them pull you on a skateboard. Children are useless for this activity.
• a bowl of kibble and a bowl of water and the dog is happy. It's nothing but bitching and whining until you a child a happy meal, and they refuse to drink out of the bowl.
• a dog is always excited to see you, be it at the end of the day, or after 15 min. a child only really cares if you bring it something.
• Getting your dog drunk is a fun activity when you're bored. Get your child drunk and once again, Child Services will pay you a visit.
• Dogs give unconditional love. Children require multiple things to show you love, often times it's in the form of a Christmas list.
• Dogs can entertain themselves with a lawn sprinkler. Children have long since lost interest in sprinklers and require video games and TV.
• if you don't like your dog you can give it away. This doesn't work with children.
• throw a Frisbee at a dog and they catch it, do this to a child and they cry.
• if you really hate your dog you can back over it in the garage and say it's an accident, do this with a child and it's prison for you.
• when you walk around naked in front of the dog they understand, it's not awkward. Do this with a child and there's 5,000 questions and very, very, disturbingly, awkward.
• if your dog drools it's normal, if your child drools it's special.

Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I think the score sheet speaks for it's self. Dogs are far better than children in many facets, far more than I've listed.

If you have any doubt just ask any woman who's squatting over a pregnancy test the morning after a party that she can't remember what she'd prefer. I think she'd rather have a dog too.



Exile

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