Ouch

Fucking ouch, that's all I can say. I never thought this would hurt this bad but ouch.

Things had been going down hill for a while, physical intimacy had dwindled to nil. After a while I began to expect the end of things, and watched it speed towards me like an avalanche. I told my self that this was bound to happen and that we would be better off. I knew that eventually we'd move on, and at times I even escaped blaming my self for all of it, if only for a while.

Last night she went out with a friend from class, she said it was just as friends, but it was definitely a date. This guy took her out for drinks, to a comedy club, miniature golfing, and out to play air hockey. They were out till midnight, drinking and goofing around. Those were the things I always wanted to do with her, being poor never let me pull off all that in one night. Of course my poverty wasn't the only hindrance to such things, after all, it took a crowbar to get her ass off the couch when I wanted to go out at night. Even on nights like last night, when she had no work or school in the morning, she never wanted to go out, she didn't want to go out with me.

It hurts so badly to try and be happy for someone who is out doing the things you always wanted to do with them, when they're happier doing it with someone else. It's like loving someone who refuses to fuck you, only to watch them go out and nail other people.

Do I think she did anything with this guy last night? No, I don't think she did. She could have, and I wouldn't be surprised if she did, but I don't want to think it.

When I saw her last night she smelled of rum and martinis and every word she spoke about how happy she was just hanging out hurt more and more. I told her I was tired, I told her that I was sick, I kept telling her I was fine and that I just wanted to go to sleep. She kept telling how much fun they had doing all the things she refused to do with me, I didn't want to hear any of it. All I wanted was to lay in the dark, sink into the pitch black and pull it all in over my head. I wanted to embrace oblivion. The irony of my life is that with insomnia you don't' sleep, my peace never came, and my head rang with thoughts of loneliness and pain. Insomnia gets worse and worse when you have a lot of things on your mind, and right now my skull aches with all these thoughts.

Today there at work my coworkers threw me a going away potluck, of course she was there. Standing in front of everyone, accepting gag gifts, I had to pretend to be happy, I had to laugh to keep up the appearance. The running gag of when the two of us were going to get married was like a knife in my chest.

My extremities have all gone cold, my hand and feet, I feel feverish and freezing at the same time. To make it worse, while I want to forget all these things, and have a few moments where I don't think about how much this hurts, all my memories boil to the surface. Every kiss, our first date (hell, every date), I remember it all.

I can't hide in hatred, I can't hide in work, I can't hide from any of this agony, I can only let it infuse with everything that I am. She was my inspiration to become a better person, she loved me for who I am, she just grew tired of what I am.

I don't' think I'll be sleeping for a while.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com