Pet Peeves Personified

We all have things that irk us.

Many times I find myself irked like the damned.

I don't know what it is about these things, but they make me feel all "stabby" towards the people who commit these offences. Here's just a brief list of these irritations, personified.

The Perfume Lady: this woman obviously has confused her favorite perfume with water, because bathing in "Ode De Toilet" has become her daily ritual. I’m sure in a small dose the perfume may give off a pleasant aroma, but the sheer volume she has used it in has made her a biohazard. Even roaches are hacking up at the odor, it's like she walked into a newsstand and slathered her self in every free sample the magazine world has to offer. As bad as her perfume stink is, it almost makes one wonder what she's masking under that concoction she's slathered her self in.

The Spoiler: I just want to sock this person in the genitals. This is the guy (or girl) that is so excited about a movie they just have to tell you everything, especially the ending. WTF? If a movie is so great why would you ruin it by giving away the ending? I mean, The 6th Sense was a great movie, but it would suck monkey balls to watch the whole thing knowing from the beginning that Bruce Willis is dead. (Before you get all bitchy, if you haven't seen this movie by now you never were).

The Repeat Offender: Ok, when you get to know anyone well enough you'll get to know their stories, their jokes, their antidotes. So it stands to reason that they may retell you something from time to time, this is totally acceptable. However, and this is a big however, when someone repeats the same information over and over with in the context of the same conversation, it can be worse than a hand job from a leper (cause that just stays with ya...). My mom is notorious for committing this heinous act. She will repeat her self so many times that the conversation will become so, mottled that only the magic of duct tape can withstand the tide of gibberish spewing forth from her. (My grandma is the same way, but she's old...)

The Reluctant Damsel: this person is often a friend, a friend in constant need. But unlike friends who may need money or help moving, this friend manages to simultaneously ask for and refuse help. To those of us of the "fixer mentality" there is no bigger irritant than this.
The way it usually plays out is the Reluctant Damsel will come to you and say, "Oh man, what do I do? I can't _________ because of _________, and if I don't ___________ I’m going to be _______________." with all blanks filled in, the doe-eyed-damsel will look to you for advice. Naturally you review the situation and let them know what you feel would be the best actions to take in the situation. This is where the reluctance comes in, because after you've involved your self in the damsel's situation this person will simply ignore every bit of help you've offered. (This situation usually has a follow up where the damsel will reappear days later complaining about the course of action they followed which was no where near what you recommended, thus perpetuating the cycle.)

The Harping Harpy: what ever you did, this person will never let you live it down. It doesn't matter what happened, or how, this person feels it is their life's work to remind of what happened at nausiam. There is nothing that will escape their judgmental talons. There is a fine line on how much shit someone should get for an infraction; the harpy will ride that line as much as they ride your ass.

The Cocky Cock Blocker: This guy is a dick. There’s no other way to put it. Regardless the situation this guy will intentionally stand between you and your goal. Exploiting the "all fair in love and war" theory he turns every social interaction into a chance to rub some dirt in your face. Usually cock blocking (or, Clam jacking, for the ladies) is done in a situation where there is competition for a mate, but the Cocky Cock Blocker will do it for any situation, be it meeting friends, coworkers, or amongst family.

Orville Office Walker: I'm not sure if this guy actually works in your office or not, no one is. Oh, he's employed, and he does get a paycheck, but no one knows what he does. Strike that, we know what he does; he walks around pestering you about your job. No matter what you're working on, this guy has the time to bug you about it. If you're lifting something he's there to point out that it's not heavy, if you're delivering something he just happens to be going the same way, hell, even taking a piss is this guy's prerogative. The worst part is that regardless of how much you may dislike him you can't quite hate him, at least, until you learn his secret for getting out of work.

Mr. & Mrs. Bitch-n-Moan: Give it a fucking rest you two! You’re in a relationship that's not too shabby and you act like you're dating the antichrist. There are times when you're going to rub each other the wrong way, it happens. I say this on behalf of ever person who has to listen to you two, "just make like an abortion an suck it up.

The Gasser: I fart, you fart, we all fart. Sometimes an ill-timed fart will slip out and it will result in a hearty laugh. The Gasser, on the other hand is someone who, without the social graces of common livestock, insists of farting as their means of humor. While "toilet humor" may be at the lowest echelon of the comedy totem pole, if used properly it can be damn funny. But when your only means "injecting humor" into a situation is to expel air that has been fermenting in the log-jammed sewer you call a colon, well, it's just pathetic. (No, the irony is not lost on me relating this to the last video I posted.)

The Fertile Peasant: you're dirt poor and you have 50 kids! Buy a condom you fucking retard.



Exile

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