Different Paths

I don't believe in destiny.
I don't believe in fate.
nor do I believe in serendipity, kismet, or any other way you put it.

What I do believe is that our lives follow different paths. some paths start from birth (like being born in a third world country), and some are caused by outside sources (like being crippled in a car accident.)

some paths can be changed (drug addicts can go to rehab).

but there are some paths that can never change, like the path of becoming a parent (no matter what you do, for the rest of your life you are a parent.)

with all these paths that shape who and what we are, some of us have life paths. A life path is one where everything you do, every choice you make, every direction you move, will ultimately end the same way.

sometimes, and it's rare, you get a glimpse where your path will lead you. I've seen where my path leads, my path paved in pain and sorrow. and while I don't have the clairvoyance to see all the twists and turns of my path, I can see where it ends. it ends in disease and solitude, an old man who's body, the infernal machine that it is, finally gives out on him. a life time of solitude who's only companionship is regret.

this is not something I want.
this is not something that I choose (I mean, who would?)
this is just the way it is.

When Hella and I met out paths crossed. the paths entwined and for a moment, the appeared to merge like two lovers lost in a passionate kiss.

in that moment, I could see a new end to the path. an end where hella becomes the mother to a larger family, where she embraces life and passionately loves the man who cooks her breakfast every Sunday.

and for a moment I could taste it.
I could taste this impossible outcome.
I wanted it all for my own.

so I gripped my claws deep into her path and rooted my self in. I denied my set outcome and chose hers instead. I could see that her heart was closed and I knew that I was the one to open it. I thought that if I showed her what true love was I could fuse our paths together, I could be the one that would be with her...

but as I said, our paths were crossing
as I said, they seemed to merge

while her path was this beautiful thing full of hope and beauty, my path was still there, dark, over grown with thorns. I was being so greedy with keeping her and I together that I didn't see the pain I was causing her, I wanted to walk her path, but instead I was dragging her down mine, thorns and all.

when out paths crossed, I had a role to play, a simple and temporary role. I was there to awaken her sleeping heart and expose her beauty to the light. I was also there to show her just how strong she was.

I taught her to see her self as I did, as a wonderful mother and a beautiful person.
I taught her that she's stronger than she's ever given herself credit for.

I played my role, but I didn't want to give it up. I wanted to bask in her beauty and warm my self in the glow of her heart.

but it turns out my role had one last part to play out, I had one last thing to show her.

I had to show her that she deserved better than what life had given her and that she didn't need to settle.

she didn't need to settle for relationships with guys who didn't' appreciate her.
she didn't' need to settle for jobs that didn't respect her.
and she didn't need to settle for a boyfriend who wasn't there for her...

in spite of how hard I tried, in spite of my best efforts, my path was keeping us apart. A sickly father, a condo turned mill stone, 3,000 miles, what ever you want to pick as an excuse, I am not there, and I don't know how long it would take for me to get there.

This is where our paths begin to split. see, I have been alone my whole life. solitude and anger have become the walls which line my path. for me, a phone call from beautiful girl telling me that she truly loves me was more than I had ever had and more than I could ever dream possible. But for Hella, this was not a happy situation, for while it was bliss when we were together, the longing was utter sorrow and pain.

the longer I stayed on her path, the longer I held her there in her sorrow.





Monday night, Hella told me it was over.
she told me that she couldn't do this any more, that the distance was too much.

"It's killing me that i cant' hold your hand, or see you when i want to"

She said there were other reasons too, things she said she had forgiven me for:
-Not telling my parents she had a son until they found out themselves. it was part of my plan for my parents to see her as my girlfriend, not as a single mom. (they carry the old stigma of "single mom's are out to find new daddy's" and this wasn't the case)
-When we first started dating Hella told me that it bothered her to think of me being with anyone else (my past), so she told me she didn't want to know about any of it. it had come up before, but she always said "she didn't' want to know". Well before we were together i had been with quite a few people (22 to be exact). while most of them were friends with benefits or one-night-stands, some of them were friends. I happen to still be friends with one of these people, but i didn't tell her. (she asked me not to). so when she found out she felt betrayed

but it doesn't matter any more...
Monday night was the first time we said goodbye without saying "I love you," and end of always and forever

It's time for me to return to my path, a path i walk alone.





Oh, i guess it's Thrusday too, so i guess i should throw up an HNT too...

this was me waking up friday at 3am

it was the fourth day waking up that early for my four "twelve hour days"


i wasn't getting much sleep then, and that hasn't changed much



Exile