you know what the fucked up part of this is? i know the guy in the picture, so to speak. a while before our Valentine's Day Trip she talked to me about her friend and his problems with dating the wrong kind of girl. when i told her that it could be him putting off the "stink of desperation" she became offended and went on the defensive. i should have known then... i mean why wouldn't she get defensive? i was insulting her new boyfriend.
a week after we broke up i sent a letter to make sure she was OK and she bit my head off. she made me feel like shit, blaming me, laying how everything was my fault. turns out her treating me like shit was just a means to clear me out of the way. (funny, it's the same tactic my last ex-girlfriend used.)
you could have just been honest instead of making me feel ashamed of who i am... i can't believe i actually cried over you
I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe in fate. nor do I believe in serendipity, kismet, or any other way you put it.
What I do believe is that our lives follow different paths. some paths start from birth (like being born in a third world country), and some are caused by outside sources (like being crippled in a car accident.)
some paths can be changed (drug addicts can go to rehab).
but there are some paths that can never change, like the path of becoming a parent (no matter what you do, for the rest of your life you are a parent.)
with all these paths that shape who and what we are, some of us have life paths. A life path is one where everything you do, every choice you make, every direction you move, will ultimately end the same way.
sometimes, and it's rare, you get a glimpse where your path will lead you. I've seen where my path leads, my path paved in pain and sorrow. and while I don't have the clairvoyance to see all the twists and turns of my path, I can see where it ends. it ends in disease and solitude, an old man who's body, the infernal machine that it is, finally gives out on him. a life time of solitude who's only companionship is regret.
this is not something I want. this is not something that I choose (I mean, who would?) this is just the way it is.
When Hella and I met out paths crossed. the paths entwined and for a moment, the appeared to merge like two lovers lost in a passionate kiss.
in that moment, I could see a new end to the path. an end where hella becomes the mother to a larger family, where she embraces life and passionately loves the man who cooks her breakfast every Sunday.
and for a moment I could taste it. I could taste this impossible outcome. I wanted it all for my own.
so I gripped my claws deep into her path and rooted my self in. I denied my set outcome and chose hers instead. I could see that her heart was closed and I knew that I was the one to open it. I thought that if I showed her what true love was I could fuse our paths together, I could be the one that would be with her...
but as I said, our paths were crossing as I said, they seemed to merge
while her path was this beautiful thing full of hope and beauty, my path was still there, dark, over grown with thorns. I was being so greedy with keeping her and I together that I didn't see the pain I was causing her, I wanted to walk her path, but instead I was dragging her down mine, thorns and all.
when out paths crossed, I had a role to play, a simple and temporary role. I was there to awaken her sleeping heart and expose her beauty to the light. I was also there to show her just how strong she was.
I taught her to see her self as I did, as a wonderful mother and a beautiful person. I taught her that she's stronger than she's ever given herself credit for.
I played my role, but I didn't want to give it up. I wanted to bask in her beauty and warm my self in the glow of her heart.
but it turns out my role had one last part to play out, I had one last thing to show her.
I had to show her that she deserved better than what life had given her and that she didn't need to settle.
she didn't need to settle for relationships with guys who didn't' appreciate her. she didn't' need to settle for jobs that didn't respect her. and she didn't need to settle for a boyfriend who wasn't there for her...
in spite of how hard I tried, in spite of my best efforts, my path was keeping us apart. A sickly father, a condo turned mill stone, 3,000 miles, what ever you want to pick as an excuse, I am not there, and I don't know how long it would take for me to get there.
This is where our paths begin to split. see, I have been alone my whole life. solitude and anger have become the walls which line my path. for me, a phone call from beautiful girl telling me that she truly loves me was more than I had ever had and more than I could ever dream possible. But for Hella, this was not a happy situation, for while it was bliss when we were together, the longing was utter sorrow and pain.
the longer I stayed on her path, the longer I held her there in her sorrow.
Monday night, Hella told me it was over. she told me that she couldn't do this any more, that the distance was too much.
"It's killing me that i cant' hold your hand, or see you when i want to"
She said there were other reasons too, things she said she had forgiven me for: -Not telling my parents she had a son until they found out themselves. it was part of my plan for my parents to see her as my girlfriend, not as a single mom. (they carry the old stigma of "single mom's are out to find new daddy's" and this wasn't the case) -When we first started dating Hella told me that it bothered her to think of me being with anyone else (my past), so she told me she didn't want to know about any of it. it had come up before, but she always said "she didn't' want to know". Well before we were together i had been with quite a few people (22 to be exact). while most of them were friends with benefits or one-night-stands, some of them were friends. I happen to still be friends with one of these people, but i didn't tell her. (she asked me not to). so when she found out she felt betrayed
but it doesn't matter any more... Monday night was the first time we said goodbye without saying "I love you," and end of always and forever
It's time for me to return to my path, a path i walk alone.
Oh, i guess it's Thrusday too, so i guess i should throw up an HNT too...
this was me waking up friday at 3am
it was the fourth day waking up that early for my four "twelve hour days"
i wasn't getting much sleep then, and that hasn't changed much
it had been 43 days since the last time i had kissed those lips and let me tell you, it felt like forever ago.
We needed this trip, we needed it badly.
Wednesday the 13th this was the day that Hella was supposed to arrive. now i say supposed to because in theory she was supposed to arrive at LAX at 8:45 pm.
but a bunch of "dick farts" at Pearson Airport thought it would be a good idea to delay Hella's flight by Four Hours.
the poor thing was so exhausted, and understandably so, by the time we got home she had been up for 24 hours!
needless to say she needed some serious snuggleing
Thrusday the 14th, VALENTINE'S DAY! our much needed sleep was callously interupted by repeated early morning phone calls. here's something i don't get, if a someone hasn't seen his girlfriend in two months and it's Valentine's Day Morning, why the hell would you call?
yeesh...
Our morning started out with smooches, snuggles, and the final day of The VD Treamtment click here Thursday, February 14th– being Valentines Day, it’s only fair that you post a tandem HNT picture. Show off your love. After that, make with the Snu-snu
For This HNT Project i came up with many saucy ideas for a tandem HNT post, but waking up with hella, i realized there was one moement i had to imortalize... Waking up with her in my arms
After a groggy awakening we exhanged presents and had a much needed shower
I made Hella a full blown breakfast: apple slices with peanut butter waffles eggs tea and of course, cranberry juice
After a fine breakfast it was off to get our asses fisted!
allow me to explain... we went out to meet up with my friend Tracy who is a massage therapist. Now the thing about Tracy is this, she's tiny, but mighty. so when she works on your back she doesn't just give you a "fluff and buff", she works you. she throws in elbows, forearms, and fists. and when she's working her way down your back and hits your glutes she attacks with fists a fly'n! (she's damn good)
After being massaged into a drunk'en stuper, we headed out to a little english pub for some pretzels and hummace (yeah, i had never heard of this combination either) where i learned A) don't doubt hella's ability to spot parking spots, and b) sometimes beer tastes like bannanas.
the rest of our Valentine's Day was very simple, we we home and relaxed, watching movies, lazing about. later on that night we stopped by my parents house and exchanged a few Valentine's presents with the parents.
though there was one final stop before bed time, a mad dash to the Cheesecake Factory! the girl loves Cheesecake, and I love the girl. there's no way i was going to let Valentine's Day get by without a trip there
Friday the 15th Sight Seeing!
Today was the the day that Hella hit hollywood.
Even for a friday, the drive took forever.
We took the 405 all the way up to Mullholland then drove over the crest of the Hollywood Hills. if you look real close you can see houses that are worth more than i'll make in my lifetime
but needless to say it was a beautiful day to see some sights
for this portion of the trip i'll just throw out some pics (a picture is worth a thousand words, and i'm tired of typing, hehehe)
Cement Ponds, Movie Stars...
"if those wall could talk" nuth'n, imagine what the sheets would say
it says Rodeo, but i don't see a single horse...
in traffic the whole time, as soon as we want to get a shot we moved... figures
we didn't even see this one at first! it's just randomly sitting on a random street so random
There it is, Hella's Mecca, home of Kat Von D
Awww look how shy the little fan girl is in front of her idol's shop
A star is born!
High Voltage Couple
The Gates Of Hella (she took a ton of pics of the stars, but i didn't upload them)
in front of the theater there are all kinds of "wacky" charactors prancing about for you to take pictures with Now this i find funny. Here's Jack Sparrow attempting to steal the necklace that my parents bought Hella for Valentines day. note how she pulled a gun on him.
yet as soon as he kissed her hand that gun dropped real quick, hehehe (busted again?)
Oscars are heavy! (turns out the ones we posed with are the ones they'll acctually give away at the oscars, neat!)
While on top of the building looking for a good spot to see the sign we found these giant stone elephants (it's the 2nd biggest thing she's held in her hand all weekend)
then it was off to a fancy Hollywood Resturaunt dollar menu, ahoy!
After that, it was back home, well, there was a stop off at the parent's house for wine and hot tubb'n!
Saturday the 16th This was Hella's shopping day we cruised the Lake Elsinore Outlet Mall
Durring a call to her monkey i picked Hella a single yellow flower. she smiled that smile at me and i realized that for her this is full spring, while winter was still waiting for her back home.
So i had to capture her in spring time
the orange flowers you see behind her are California Poppies
of course, i had to join in!
(here is a close up of the poppies)
That night...Party time!
It was my cousin's husband's b-day party and we joined in the drinking fun
Here's Hella and my mom dancing and carring on drunk. (btw, look at how tiny my mom is, even Hella is bigger than her!)
hella was enjoying the Hurricains, and the they were enjoying her...
the Tequila on the other hand... The Tequila, it was a bad idea, and we left shortly there after
but not before Hella said bye to my dad here is the conversation that preceded that shot: Hella- we're going to be taking off Dad- *looking at her* you're drunk aren't you? hella- No... Dad- *smiles* Hella- *giggles* ok, just a little From there hella droped down catching her self as she squated next to my dad... i had to snap the pic
Sunday the 17th Poor little Hella was a bit hung over
Luckily a trip to IHOP took care of that!
I got a regular breakfast... wanna know what hella got?
we spent the rest of the day chill-lax'n and went out to dinner with the rents.
with all my dad's free time he's taken to making sushi as a hobby, and he's damn good at it.
on our way home we decided to make an imprompt tu icecream run
being our last night, we stayed up kinda late, ya' know...
by the time it was bed time Hella passed out.
So sleepy, she forgot to take the towel off her head and the glasses off her face even asleep, she's so beautiful
Monday the 18th *Pout* I made her the last breakfast of the trip as she packed up all her goodies.
and she did all her packing in one of my hoodies!
I dropped her off at the airport and waited till her flight took off. (there was a big snowstorm in toronto and i didn't want her stranded in LAX all by her lonesome).
*sigh* the hardest part is letting go. we kiss our good byes in the hustle of the airport, but we can always take solace in knowing that a part of us always stays with the other...
To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required. Visit www.apple.com/quicktime/download to download the free player or upgrade your existing QuickTime� Player. Note: During the download process when asked to choose an installation type (Minimum, Recommended or Custom), select Minimum for faster download.
Exile- so what are you up to tonight? Hella- nothing much, i just posted my HNT Exile- Oh yeah? Hella- mmmhmmmm, you should go check it out Exile- i intend to Hella- what are you doing for your HNT? Exile- ummmm... i haven't even thought of anything... What do you think i should do? Hella- Do you remember the one you did with Moe and your bum? Exile- Yeah Hella- I liked that Exile- i see, well if you have any more specific ideas txt them to me
A Txt message that quickly followed that conversation: "i think U should show some fine tushy 4 HNT..."
well, you know i'm always happy to oblige' (especially when i can't think of something to do for HNT...)
So this HNT, i thought i'd just take hella's advice, turn around, and show off my AXE!
So, why the Axe you ask? Well, this Christmas, Hella bought me some Axe Body spray and whispered "this particular smell... it does something to me..."
needless to say, i used it every day i was there, hehehe
click here
