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Exile Industries: Department of Redundancy Department

Monday, February 26, 2007

Commiting The Perfect Crime

There are many perils to befall one in a close knit office environment, and while many of them cannot be avoided, i feel it is my duty to spare those who frequent this site. The situation that i speak of today is one which we all face, for it is a natural, yet most embarrassing part of the human condition...

The scene is one that has become all to familiar, you've been sitting at your desk all day with legs clenched and the churning in your stomach has manifested it's self into something with the determination and will to expel it's self from your body. you nervously look at the time on your computer screen and assess that the abdominal bowel movement will not wait patiently till you finally make it home. you have no choice, you have to make like Greenpeace and release the skunk monkey into the wild...

As the sense of impending doom that creeps over like the cold sweat that that dots your brow it will do you well to keep this advise in mind...



How To Take A Shit At Work.


Step 1. Assess The Poo
Poo comes in many forms, before you rush off to the restroom you must first determine what time of poo you will be purging from your system. Now, it is not recommended that you do a "first hand inspection" of your poo (because you might have to shake hands on your way to the restroom) there are certain signs to look for. retain all observation until Step 3.

Step 2. Walk Of Shame
As Murphy's law is always in affect, ergo, the bathroom will be on the other side of the office, and most likely, it will be by or near the bosses' office. For this, stealth is the key to the operation. most likely you've waited so long that your gluts are attempting the kind of muscle control Tibetan yogis obtain only after a lifetime of training. Unfortunately you've only had a few moments of practice before you've taken on the now arduous task of walking. this is the time in which the risk of gas leaks are at their peak. i other words, if you blow wind you will blow your cover.

1. stand at your desk, do not walk, just stand. this will give your body to acclimate to it's current condition while in a vertical state.

2. grab something from your desk (miscellaneous paperwork, a folder, etc.) that you can bring with you into the restroom. This will come in handy if someone sees you walking towards the bathroom, giving the appearance that you are on your way to any place other than the restroom

3. as you walk to the restroom nonchalantly look around, make sure no one witnesses you walking to the restroom

4. lightly apply pressure to the restroom door, if the handle does not turn there is a chance someone is in there. DO NOT KNOCK, this will give away not only your location, but your intentions as well. (Circle the office until you see or hear someone leave the restroom).

5. if the bathroom is available open the door quietly and enter, if there is a light do not turn it on until you are in and the door is closing. (this will make you harder to identify as you enter.)


Step 3. Poo Prep
At this point you are now locked away in the bathroom, but don't think you're out of the woods yet, after all, you still have a log to leave in the forest (Even I'm not happy about that last analogy).

1. Acquire your supplies. You will need to find a roll of toilet paper, this is usually found in a cabinet in the restroom. DO NOT USE THE TOILET PAPER IN THE DISPENSER UNLESS THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE. from some reason toilet paper dispensers in offices are made from the noisiest material known to man, use of this instrument will be heard by any passersby and give a clear impression that you are indeed sculpting a clay finger in the bathroom. Stealth here is key in that it may later be a factor when you are leaving the restroom (there are eyes everywhere.)

2. recall the assessment you made of the poo from Step 1.

a. if there is a hot or churning sensation this will be a messy one, expect splashing, gurgling, and odor.
b. if there is a cramping or solid/heavy feeling, this will be a "Log Jammer," expect "residue."
c. if you've been extreemly gassy earlier you will most likely "nuke" the bathroom with the sound and furry of a trumpet.

3. after you are confident you can predict the condition of your poop, prepare.

a. if you think your turd will leave a racing stripe down the bowl concider laying a layer of toilet
paper on the surface of the water. (any more than a thin layer may result in a clog.)
b. if you believe that there will be excessive splashing consider leaving a wad of toilet paper in the bowl. this will dampen the sound created in the collision of poo and water.
c. if a Log Jammer looms in your future you may have no choice but to consider a Dump-Flush-Wipe-Flush policy.

4. do not rush, patient pooping provides positive products. if do try and hasten the process you will create far more noise then you intend to.

Step 4. The Evacuation after Evacuation
Now is the time to hurry, chances are what you just gave birth to was the fecal equivalent to the Antichrist and you've gotta make like an crack whore in an alley and leave the bastard behind.

1. you must flush and pull your pants (or whatever) back into place. do what ever it takes, button, fasten, zip, tuck, just do it.

2. as the water swirls you have only moments to wash your hands, do so with haste. remember, even though you flushed the stink from toilet is like the Ark Of The Covenant, the evil will escape... (and melt a Nazi or two).

3. as you leave you may want to take a cursory glance and see if you left anything behind, if so a quick flush before you leave will give any passersby the impression that you may not have been the one who let the turd burglar out on early parole (peeing is far more acceptable than pooping, unless you've had asparagus).

4. A tip to elude any prying eyes is to immediately round the closest corner from the bathroom, this way if a stink is wafting out of the bathroom you can act like you're discovering it with everyone else.

In the end, it doesn't matter who you are, we all shit, it's a matter who get's caught.





Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Newest, Flu-est, Super Hero...

From the land of snow and ice,
come the newest hero, a champion of nice.
His story is one full of mysteries,
and the powers he got from an ill placed sneeze.
You see his origin is one that inspires wonder,
for it all comes about from a viral blunder.
For where his power come from is the glands in his neck,
a set of tonsils that when all to heck.
It was in the night that his mother wondered,
"what could have sent his health asunder?"
but low and behold as the boy awoke,
his new power was revealed as soon as he spoke.
"mommy, i feel kinda sick," he said in the dark,
what followed his statement was a cough that sounded like a bark.
She quickly flipped on the light and was amazed by the sight,
there was a boy with the powers of a Seal and some crime to fight.
Soon criminals would fear the sight that would faced them,
a boy with the cough of a seal and crime fighting phlegm.

Criminals beware...

william-seal
Ready to balance the ball of evil, on the tip of his nose.

For the full story of Seal Boy And the Tonsils Of Hella click here

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Monday, February 19, 2007

Deep In Thought

In an attempt to stave off mental atrophy i decided to give my self a puzzle to ponder over.

In the past I've take on many puzzles and come to satiable solutions

In the past i had claimed victory over the What Came First The Chicken Or The Egg? conundrum in which i came to the final solution that the chicken did come first. (Deal with it.)

Today my puzzle was this:
Everyone knows the riddle: "what weighs more, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers?"
But could a pound of feathers weigh more than a pound of gold?



This was my thought process:

1. We all know that the point of the original riddle is that it is a pound regardless of how you you look at it (so save your initial comments till the end).

2. So if we weigh out a pound of feathers and a pound gold in an controlled environment with zero humidity we can agree that they are in fact the same.

3. We know also that a pound of gold would be far more dense than a pound of feathers, thus the feathers would take up far more space. from this point we can then assume that the difference between the two materials is the empty space between the components of the material on each side of the scale. (i always seem to imagine this all set up on a old timey balance scale for some reason...)

4. From this point if we move this balance from our controlled environment to one with a much higher humidity the air occupying the space between the feathers would increase in weight while not changing the the actual weight of the feathers. (yes, air has weight, it's just very very very skinny). the gold, on the other hand, with less space between the material would not increase nearly to the degree the feathers would.

Conclusion: The pound of feathers would indeed weigh more than a pound of gold without actually changing the weight of either material.



Of course my other idea was that, i could use the word pound not as a unit of measure but as British currency, in that case you could buy more feathers than you could buy gold... but what kind of smart ass would come up with that answer?



(Safety tip: Stay out of my mind, it's a scary place.)


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Thursday, February 15, 2007

HNVD- Half Nekk'ed Valentine's Day

I'm smitten

I am in deep smitt. And can you really blame me?

Needless to say this valentine's day my dark little heart is in good hands. The hands of a girl who is the definition of GRAR!

It's all for you...
Property Of One

HHNT!





Roses are Red,
Violet's are Blue,
My HNT show's some nipple
yours should too!



Exile

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Sunday, February 11, 2007

Awwww...




If you have a chance check out Post Secret, they did a VD theme.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Like You, But Better

We pride ourselves on our talents. Be it playing a sport or cooking a meal, these talents define us.

While we might not be the best at our "trademark talents" we do know that we do them to the best of our ability. When we find people who are better at our "signature moves" we can at least take some solace in knowing that we still have other skills that surpass theirs. (nothing wrong with taking comfort in "one-upping" competition.)

So how do you react when you meet someone who is better than you at every single one of your best talents?

Now from time to time I've come across many people who have been "better" but I've always have an ace up my sleeve. Something giving me the ability to say "...Yeah, but I'm still better at ______"

Recently I met a guy at my work that surpasses every one of my talents in every (accessible*) way. He's far more likeable, funnier, smarter, a better snowboarder, has a quicker wit, taller, better looking, can quote movies better, and is even a better gamer.

I've racked my brain over this, and honestly, he's got me beat. To add insult to injury he even has some talents that I Covent. Yeah, he's an artist too.

Now, he's a cool guy and he'd make a good friend, so believe it or not, I'm not bitter. But I have to admit that I wish I had at least one talent that I could claim as my own instead of just "runner up."

There is a fine line between pride and envy, and it's about as thick as the line between best and second best.





*There are just some things I'm not going to try and compare

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Friday, February 09, 2007

Haiku Friday

My brain doesn't work
Cause: Lack of sleep and sex
three weeks to fix that

I swapped shifts at work
Nights, Seven to Eleven
Daycare for parents

i am so tired
can barely finish haiku
um, um, um, poop....

Haiku Fridays




exile

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

HND- Half Nekked DVD

So I've been a total lame ass and I have not only been neglecting my blog, but my HNT duties as well.

and today is no different.

this HNT I decided to show off my DVD collection (as of September '06)


My DVD Collection

Movies are one of those things that were a shaping factor in what made me who (or what) I am. Anyone who knows me knows that I drop movie quotes like the damned.

And in case you're wondering which one of these was my favorite one it was Little Shop Of Horrors.


here's a full list of all the movies I own (save for the porn, hehehe)
o 28 days later
o Ace Ventura
o America’s funniest home video’s Uncensored
o American beauty
o Animal house
o As good as it gets
o Babylon 5 (complete series)
o Back to the future 1, 2, 3
o Batman
o Beetle juice
o Big trouble in little china
o Bubble boy
o Cabin fever
o Casino
o Clerks 1
o Dawn of the dead
o Dead alive
o Devils Advocate
o Dogma
o Double Midgitation (Midget Porn)
o Dumb and dumber
o Evil Dead
o Fallen
o Falling down
o Family guy
o Fight club
o Futuramama (Season 1)
o Ghost busters 1, 2
o Hot shots 1, 2
o House of 1,000 corpses
o Indiana Jones last crusade
o Inner space
o Invader Zim
o Kill Bill 1, 2
o King pin
o Life is beautiful
o Little shop of horrors
o Mars attacks
o Medicine Man
o Million Dollar baby
o Mystery men
o My First Prono
o Office space
o Out Cold
o Pink and Brain Christmas
o Psycho
o Robin Hood Men in tights
o Scary movie
o Shallow hall
o Short Circuit 1, 2
o Silence of the lambs
o South Park the movie
o Spaceballs
o Spawn 1, 2, 3
o Sphere
o Spider-man 1, 2
o Starship Troopers
o Team America
o Tenacious D
o Terminator 2
o The 6th sense
o The Big Lebowski
o The Davinci Code
o The game
o The Matrix
o The Mummy
o The Sweetest Thing
o There’s Something About Mary
o UHF
o Vivid’s Porn Bloopers
o Wayne’s World
o Weekend At Bernie’s
o Wilder Napalm
o X-men



btw, incase you're wonderinI why i have a list of all the mIvies iIown, i made it so my parents could pick out which one's they'd wanna borrow




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

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Friday, February 02, 2007

Haiku Friday

My Dad has cancer
hysterectomy for Mom
changing of the guard

They're recovering
I am playing caretaker
weekends and at night

tonight went smooth
I fed and watered them both
Dad still resists help

Haiku Fridays


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

HNCD- Half Nekk'ed Count Down

Tick tock tick tock tick tock...

Counting down, 27 days to go


I'm ready, are you?
Cranberry




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com