.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Exile Industries: Department of Redundancy Department

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

No f---ing Way!

I love when I find amusing stuff in the news. It gives me pleasure.

It's almost as good as f---ing, or should I say the Town of F---ing.

I guess there's a small town on the out skirts of Austria with the name F---ing, and brits are stealing all their signs.

Click here to get the F---ing story.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Monday, August 29, 2005

God Bitch Slaps The South, Film At 11


Katrina says hi
Originally uploaded by Exile509.
All joking aside I'm really at a loss for words for this one. The picture you're looking at was from this morning (10:00 am Cali time), and it didn't stop there. The last picture I saw the hurricane had stretched from Florida to Texas.

I talked to my friend Becca in Mississippi last night and she told me the radius of this thing is 150 miles. Where the eye is supposed to stop is 180 miles from her, so she's expecting tornados...

Expecting tornados? WTF? Maybe I'm a sheltered Cali boy, but we freak when we're expecting rain. Earlier today 145 mph winds shredded the front of a hotel...

And these hurricanes have happened there before? Fuck that, I'll stick to my earthquakes.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Laughlin!


family poker 2
Originally uploaded by Exile509.
Here's my trip in a nut shell (right to left):

Mom turned 50, way to get old mom!
Dad pulled a rib out while skiing. He also fixed the boat trailer, and a sea-doo.
Joe shaved a mo-hawk in his hair, um, yeah.
Steve drank lots of beer and got the squirts from taco bell.
Angie got lost while following the boat
Exile (not in photo) nearly got jumped in a bathroom for flirting with a woman who was married.

Save for my dad's observation it was an awesome trip. I love getting out there and floating around. Wearing my soreness like battle scars. Drinking crap loads of Sparks and taking Chaser (I love that stuff).

I've always said that Laughlin is like a little Vegas with a river running though it.

But next time I'm importing my minx for the trip.

(I'll be posting more pics as I can with)

Friday, August 26, 2005

In Tyler We Trust

You are not your fucking Khakis


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

I Give The Fuck Up

I'm tired of this shit.

I've had it.

I don't want to play any more.

What could I be talking about? Why another terrible date, of course. The last terrible date.

That's right, I was stupid enough to try again.

Now I've run the gambit when it comes to writing up ads. This is the last one (of well over 20) I've written for Craig's List:

If this list describes you then please respond, it means we've been looking for each other.
Do you work so much that you don't have time to date?
Do you ever find your self with a random free night and realize you have nothing to do?
Does your career come first and your personal life come second?
Would you like it to be a closer second?
Do you describe your self as a "T-shirt and jeans" kind of girl?
Do you enjoy physical activities like hiking and snowboarding?
Are you tired of guys flashing cash, but with nothing of substance to offer?
Do you enjoy silliness?
Are you cruising towards your dirty thirties (or in them)?
Do you feel comfortable with your self and your body?
How do you feel about burgers, movies, and a couple drinks?
Do you think effort out weighs grandeur?
Are you often considered brainy or geekish?
Is geekish a word?

If you've said yes to the majority of these then I think we could have a lot of fun. Let's do the ol' photo swap and have some merriment.




Ok, not the best of ads, but it does hold more promise than the other ones (trust me.)
I figure that anyone who answers it will fit into the type that I'd like to go out with. Career minded, and hopefully not psycho. (my bad)

Of the few that respond I narrow it down to three, of the three only one seems worth meeting. I say "would you like to go out for dinner and some drinks after work? Around 7 o'clock?"

So we go walking around the block, all chatty chatty. I make her laugh, I talk, I listen (a guy listen? Get out!) and we conversate. She actually compliments me on how well I hold a conversation compared to other guys she's gone out with. We stop for a beer, I introduce her to Heffenweiser she tells me all about her career. All is good in the world.

I ask if she'd like something to eat and she informs me that the people she lives with are going to make her dinner so she doesn't want to eat with me. (Diddn't you agree to dinner?) Conversation continues and I ask her about her plans for the weekend followed with "well I'd like to see you again."

She replies with "you know what, this isn't going anywhere, I'm only getting a friend vibe from you."

I thank her for her honesty (like a retard.)

I pay the bill and walk her out.

On the way to where I think her car is I ask why she decided it wouldn't work.

She says there's no spark (she must be pretty quick to get that only after an hour). She then comments that being single sucks, but she might set me up with on of her friends (be still my heart).

As we are about to enter the parking lot she asks if I'm parked over "here" to which I reply that I'm walking her to her car. She informs me that she's not parked on this side and that she was following me. She was walking ahead of me the whole time (in hindsight, it was evading).

Finally as I walk her to her car, (about 20 feet away) she tells me that I don't need to walk her to her car. I retort that I'm a gentleman but walk away as soon as she's at the car.



So What The Fuck! This is re-god-damn-diculous. From what I can tell I didn't do anything wrong, I said nothing offensive, I did nothing that would show that I'm a terrible person. Basically I put in the effort to set up this date, I convince her to go out, I put my self out on the line, and then she gives me the thumbs up or down like some roman fucking emperor? Why do I have to expend my self to pursue someone? Did you know that no one has ever pursue me?

While on this trivial date she also told me that guys often see her then talk about how cute she is when she's out of ear shot. Is this where this comes from? Because people want you, you just brush off people based on what you learn from them in under an hour? I'm not even getting a chance. I'm tired of this, tired of being on the receiving end of rejection. it doesn't matter what I do, I pursue her, I have to take her out, I have to pay, then she decides if I was worth it.


Well no more.

I'm done.

I have had less than 3 successful dates in my entire life. I have war stories that would sicken many and terrify others. (EG: I went out on a date with a girl who called another guy on our date to go out with her... That's right, she brought a date on our date.)

This is the new rule on dating from now on: I will not pursue.

If a girl shows genuine interest in me, and fIirts, I will then consider the possiblility of a date, but I will not exert any undue force to make it happen. I will not introduce my self first, I will not ask her out only to find out she has a bf (I hate that, BTW.) I would rather stay at home and play video games then whore out my selfesteem one more time on someone who doesn't really give a shit. I will not get my hopes up for promises or signs. I won't hope for offers unless there is a delivery.

I guess this means I should sign up with Game Fly, because women do not ask out guys, so I better keep my self occupied. (Before you argue this think about the last time you asked a guy out.)


FYI: This train of thought hit the tracks on my trip to Laughlin. I was in the car with my dad and this conversation occurred:

Dad- You know what I just realized Exile, you're the only one here with out a woman. Everyone's paired up but you.
Exile- I tried.
Dad- I'm sure we can find ya something. Your old Dad-do will show find you one.
Exile-um, thanks Pop.


Yeah, a four day trip to Laughlin. Boat, Sea-doos, Water skiing, alcohol, and no one to go with me. (and before you think I'm just bitching about one trip realize this has been every trip).

In summation: I hate dating, I hate being alone around 4 other couples (especially on vacation, and I get less than nothing (negative something.)



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Some Eye Candy For The Ladies


Me On The Sea-Doo
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

Ok kids, I'm off to the river!

Do some water skiing
Drink lot's of beer
Work on my sea-doo kung-fu (shown to the right)
Dance around in the "clubs"
Pretend to gamble to get free drinks
Then bake in the desert sun.

Talk to ya Tuesday! Don't miss me too much!

(If you play your cards right you might just get to see some Shirtless McExile pictures. hehehe)

And yes, I finally said "fuck it" and changed my template for the blog. Good bye bender, good by blogs of interest. *sigh* Now will people come back to my blog? (I hope you're happy Mitzee.)

Exile Industries: Bureau Of Unfounded Theories

As part of an on going attempt to reshape the world, Exile industries would like assist in the long since lost art of free thought. We bring to you a list of ideas that, while they have no current scientific backing and are most likely untrue, will hopefully inspire many to look at the world differently.

The Bureau Of Unfounded Theories resulted in many of these concepts through the act of Observation and Conclusion.

Though many of our sponsors may disagree with the following keep in mind that much of the world and society was based on unfounded beliefs and rumors, just look at organized religion.

Bureau Of Unfounded theories report as of 08/17/05:
  • Observation: While pens and pencil are superior to each other in their own ways. But the logical fusion of these writing implements were huge failures. Conclusion: Brilliance is seconded to marketability.
  • Observation: The world's wealthiest will spend $5,000 at a charity to raise funds for the spotted owl, but won't lift a finger to feed the homeless. Conclusion: The homeless should start eating owls.
  • Observation: A woman can get receive intercourse with less difficulty than asking for a glass of water, yet many women complain about "dry spells." Conclusion: If a woman is not having sufficient sexual activity there is a chance the bar is set too high.
  • Observation: The successfully homeless no longer carry signs that say will work for food, but rather have signs that say "kick me in the nuts, $5". Conclusion: Some people would rather get kicked in the nuts than go to work.
  • Observation: Often times when you hear a rumor around the office it's usually spread by the same person, every one is disgusted with the gossip, but eagerly listens. Conclusion: When it comes to gossip the difference between being a hypocrite and a gossip is in who you tell your secrets to.
  • Observation: When someone asks you to help them with a project, they often give you the most difficult portion of the assignment. Conclusion: When someone realizes there is an easy way out of a situation they'll take it, at your expense or not.
  • Observation: Many people assume that some women never reach climax, this assumption is reached usually after the act of coitus. Conclusion: Every woman can orgasms, it just means someone's not using the right kind of effort.
  • Observation: Men enjoy sex. Conclusion: Men enjoy sex.
  • Observation: Somewhere in an office for the County of Orange, a decision was made that office supplies such as toner, paper, pens, and paperclips were not in the budget and were removed from the purchase orders. Conclusion: bureaucracy is like a toilet, shit floats to the top.
  • Observation: often it's the women that claim to be superior to men are the same one's that complain about the toilet seat being left up. Conclusion: you can't be that superior if you never learned to look before you sit.
  • Observation: ignoring any criticism that may say other wise, every man thinks he is the worlds greatest lover. Conclusion: yes I am.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Monday, August 15, 2005

Figures...

Even dead people party harder than I do.

I feel a little more lame.

(click on the photo to ge the full story)

Oh Sweet God Why? Why Must I Be Tagged Thusly.

Yes, I was tagged by Mitzee, yes, I'm posting a survey on my blog.
If you have seen my soul please return it to:
Exile509
c/o Exile Industries
Santa Ana, Ca 92704


What was I doing 10 years ago?

Learning to drive, setting up our new snake's tank (Herb), and making no progress with Jennifer Stewart (my best friend who I was in love with. bleck)

What was I doing 5 years ago?

Living on the floor of my friend's apartment, I was sleeping with her because I didn't have money for rent.

What was I doing yesterday?

Aside from porn? Um... it was Sunday, I think just the porn. Oh, I made a phone call or two, I think.

What am I doing today?

Today I must be productive. I will work, then I will straighten up my apartment, then pack, THEN porn.

Five snacks I enjoy:

nutty bars, burgers, pizza, meat loaf, and brownies! (there's a dirty joke that I won't tell, but would fit perfectly here)

Five bands I like:

1. Tenacious D
2. Weird Al Yankovic
3. Sum 41
4. Foo Fighters
5. Gorillaz


Five things I would do with a million dollars:

1. Hire to prostitutes to fight each other
2. Buy a home in a small town where is snows on Christmas
3. Enslave the unfortunate
4. Buy Herb a lady snake (money can't buy love, but it can rent it.)
5. Properly bribe the airlines so I could have free flights any where I want in the world when ever I choose (black out dates apply)

Five locations I would like to run away to: (I suppose these answers will depend on the severity of the crime I've committed.)

1. Toronto (my Canadian minions will lay down their lives to guard me even though they rarely comment any more *sniffle*)
2. A little cabana in Mexico where I will serve drinks, bbq, and hopefully have a cute girl to work the tables (serving drinks... Well, maybe)
3. New Orleans (never been, but I have some beads)
4. IN & OUT (what? I'm hungry!)
5. The Playboy Mansion (can you blame me?)
(o)(o) + (_!_) = happy


Five bad habits:

1. Indecisive
2. Blurting out inappropriate comments
3. Hateing children (is that a bad habit or bad hobby?)
4. I interrupt people when they're talking (yes, I'm that asshole)
5. I'm getting to be a germ-a-phobe

Five things I like doing:

1. Not filling out surveys
2. Having sex
3. Snowboarding
4. Having sex again (2nds any one?)
5. rock'n out while driving


Five TV shows I like: (I assume this is of all time)

1. Babylon 5
2. Quantum Leap
3. Married With Children
4. South Park
5. Family Guy

I would like to meet: (finally, not a list of 5)

I'd like to meet Matt Stone & Trey Parker (they're technically one person.)

Biggest joys in my life at the moment:

I just bought a condo! Yay for me! And I've got a roommate all picked out, so no stress on that.

Five favorite toys: (hehehe, I'll refrain)

1. Lightning Reaction (zappy fun, I'll update this with a link when I can)
2. Internet (informative and it brings me porn)
3. My Game Cube (boys and their video games)
4. Drunken Jenga (I modified the hell out of it)
5. Women (what? I like playing with them)

Five people to tag: (yeah yeah, I'm a whore)

The Blonde (I'm mainly looking forward to the toy questions)
...And that's why god hates kittens (do this list some justice)
Meg (her's will be a billion times better than mine)
Simply Satisfied (just to see if she reads my stuff)
tblue (cause he's, um, he's on my list of blogs that I read or something)


Any other hoops you need me to jump through? hehehe

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Beauty


Tara17 sm
Originally uploaded by Protagonist.
There are moments where your heart stops.
Moments that feels too perfect to ever happen again.
I had plenty of these moments, and while there are times that I'm bitter that they may never come again, i treasure them all.

These moments of pure beauty have varied greatly. From riding a chair lift through snow covered trees to the sensation of a hot wind whipping across the river.

The best of these moments seem to always revolve around a woman.

The greatest revolved around one.



This image of captured beauty reminded me of all this.

... and I like her nipples!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Some Women Need To Be Kept Under Lock And Key


lock and key
Originally uploaded by Exile509.
Of all the things I would think to do with a fine naked woman, this wasn't one of them.

But it's a damn good idea.

A question for all the ladies out there, if you were to have your body painted, how would you do it?

Have you done it?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Just A Warning

Don't Phunk with my minx.

She's fiesty.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Is It Lying If I'm Just Not Telling The Truth?

Ok, before I give you my take on the Title/Topic of this post let me give you the story that brought forth the inspiration for this alleged post.


Friday night I was set up on a blind date. The date was set up through my friend BLTC (Better Living Through Chemistry) , by his girlfriend BAC (Blonde Actress Chick). The motives behind the date were simple, at BLTC's B-day party BAC and I had talked about how when it comes to dating intelligence, for me, far out weighs any trait. I told her that if a girl is stupid she might as well have a hunch and an eye patch (no offence to lumpy pirates, they need love too.) BAC told me about her best friend Megan (sorry, no clever initials on this one), Megan always complain that guys are always after her looks and can never keep up with her intellectually. BLTC later chimed in that Megan was cuter than BAC and trailed off into his own threesome plans. So with that ringing endorsement I decided to go for it. Set up on a blind date with your friends, girlfriends, best friend, what could go wrong?

Friday night steamrolls it's way in and I arrive to BLTC house, I arrive in the nick of time to sit on his couch and watch TV for half an hour. Now running late we drive like the damned to pick up BAC, who is still putting on her makeup. Later still we pick up Megan, now Megan is cute, but not cuter than BAC, in fact, she's quite average. While there's nothing wrong with average, it brings to mind the question of "what else was exaggerated?"

the plan for the evening was a movie and dinner, while it was quite fun to see the Shining on the big screen again, unfortunately, a 3 hour plus movie is not conducive to a date. Upon reaching our seats we all sit down and the date chatter begins. Everything is going well, I make her laugh a little, she's mildly interesting. Then the topic turns to the subject of work.

Exile- so what do you do?
Megan- I teach.
Exile- humans?
Megan- sixth graders.
Exile- so not humans.
Megan- *she chuckles* some of them
Exile- that must be tough
Megan- how so?
Exile- being trapped in a room full of children
Megan- oh *looking at Exile with confusion* So what do you do.
Exile- I work for the county, I work at {blah blah} assigning therapists to minors
Megan- oh wow, you must really like kids.
Exile- um, not exactly
Megan- *more confusion* what do you mean? You work with kids.
Exile- I work with their paperwork, I'm not a big fan of children *shivers at the thought*
Megan- I see...

The date ends there, but it continues on for nearly six hours. The rest of the night consists of the cold shoulder and patronizing conversation. She's now bored and disappointed with me, and we hadn't even had sex (hehehe, ah... Sad...).

Finally, back at her place, we're all concealed in the living room, no movie, no bar with crappy food, nothing but conversation. it turns out talking is very difficult to do when the other person has no interest in talking to you. Things did perk up, how ever as our hostess decided to start doing lines off the kitchen counter. While BLTC and BAC ran to the kitchen like a starving dogs to a can opener I hung back (I'm just not down with the nose candy).

With every line the trio did Megan began to warm up to me, I naturally warmed up to the book of bunny suicides on the coffee table.

I <3>It Lying If I'm Just Not Telling The Truth?
The subject of this conundrum is that of the human spawn often referred to as children and my feelings toward them.

Now it's pretty obvious that I don't like kids, but if I don't say that I don't' like them, I can come across with an air of indifference (it's a combination of my job and lack of enthusiasm for them.) Megan took a great deal of offence to my attitude most likely because she intends to be impregnated, unfortunately I was mainly interested on just having a nice date that night.

So if I had simply not said I hate children (or anything regarding children), I would have most likely had a very palatable date.

This then leads me to the thought that maybe I should use a "templated" answer to the subject. By saying "actually I can't have children, and I'd prefer not to talk about it," I could get away Scott free. This is true because I can't stomach the thought of having children, and I don't really want to talk about it (bleck!)



So now I ask, is it ok to do this? Thoughts?



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Monday, August 08, 2005

ABCA, Anonymous Blog Commenters Anonymous

Usually the anonymous people who comment on blogs anonymously will take a sharp jab at the blog author and then flee. Like a drive by argument, if they say something that is completely incorrect and bordering asinine they do so with no consequence.

Worst off all of the anon commenters are looked at as one individual, an amorphous blog of comments, all voice, no substance. This means that on the rare occasion that an anonymous comment is valid it loses all credibility.

Let's be honest, everyone has a blog, if you don't then you must live in the same cave as people who don't have cell phones.



(Exile Industries doesn't not support the use of cellular phones, nor does it condone the cave dwelling life style. Exile Industries discriminates against everyone equally.)


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Just A Reminder


Bottle In The Sand
Originally uploaded by Exile509.
To remind you know that even though something feels so far away, you always have a piece of it with you.

Sometimes we all forget these things.

Friday, August 05, 2005

It's Just A Little Prick

It's good to be the king.










FIRE OF AIR. Serious and intellectual, you live in the world of thoughts and ideas. You grasp things quicker than most and are a master debater. Your verbal skills are unparalleled; your conversations are stimulating. You are concerned with issues of justice. Your standards are high, so there is danger of becoming too moralistic. While truth is generally an honorable thing, chew on this: "Why Yes Herr Strudel, my neighbor IS hiding Jews in his basement!" You're Christopher Walken in Suicide Kings.
Quiz
created by Polly Snodgrass.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Feel Good

We all need to Feel Good


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Funny, Thought I'd Be Shaved

I'm Cowboy Bush!
I'm Cowboy Bush!
Take Which George W Bush Are You? today!
Created withRum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Dad’s Joke

My dad told me this joke this weekend (and they wonder what’s wrong with me.)




Q.) What Does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

A.) They both come on little white crackers.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com