Sometimes I feel guilty. I feel like I don't deserve the life I have. I have a cool apartment, and a wonderful girlfriend. And even when I take into account the suffering I've been through I still don't feel like I deserve this. I suppose this is something that few people could understand, but I will try to explain it anyways. My whole life has been a huge swelling of pain. Emotionally trounced by everyone who has passed through me life I feel like that is the way it should be. Essentially it is set up like this. If you lived your entire life in the dark then daylight would feel horribly unnatural. In the prison system it's call being institutionalized. For a gothy this would be far too fitting, "my life is a deep dark prison of deep dark pitty ness." so this is where I stand. I am constantly reminded of the life I used to have and I always fear that it will come crashing down all around me. Like the way you would imagine the space station finally falling to earth years after humanity has come to it's violent end. It's like being on vacation, I have the beautiful girlfriend who I love with everything I have and so on, but sometimes it feels temporary. But I do fight, I will fight. I fight the guilt, I fight the feeling like I have to leave, but more importantly I fight for her. After all she's all I have and worth the fight.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Seeing as though Skinnie thought it would be a good idea to screw themselves. I used to run the survival guide, but they cut my column. But even after that I still kept working on them, this is one I finally finished this month... And no it wasn't cut from the magazine.



10 Things an Ignorant Boyfriend Should Know

There are too many of these guys out there who are like monkeys with cell phones when it comes to understanding their girlfriends. But with these ten bits of advice you might just jump the evolutionary gap between single guy and boyfriend. And if your girlfriend just passed this article to you, get to reading!

Cooking is good! Even if it's just scrambling up egg whites, ladies can't resist a man cookin' in the kitchen.

Big sloppy kisses are fun, but it's the closed-mouth, quick kisses, are often the ones that mean the most.

When buying gifts, make sure to get another girls opinion. If the other girl says, "I wish my boyfriend would do that," you're on the right track. Give her something to brag about, make your girlfriend's friends jealous.

If you ever utter the phrase, "why can't you do that?" during a sex scene in a movie, not only will she never "do that," but you're going to have to try doing that by your self on the couch.

Chivalry is not dead, just on life support. If she's cold offer your jacket, and if the door is closed open it for her.

All girls are self-conscious, and checking out other girls when the two of you go out doesn't help. Oh, and the dark sunglasses only work for so long.

When it comes to boobs, you only need a mouthful; any thing else is just excessive. Disagreeing with this will make any girlfriend very angry.

A sunset, a bridge over running water, chick flicks. Guys don't need to understand these things, but you do need to take the time for her to enjoy them.

Don't try and use her cell phone as a leash. She may be your girlfriend, but she's not your property. The more possessive you are the worse you'll look. This goes for E-mail too (breaking into her e-mail is just creepy.)

Never give a girl an ultimatum! If something is bothering you, like that guy friend she has, talk to her about it. Don't threaten her with a breakup. The "Either you stop being his friend, or I,ll leave you," attitude is going to make you a very lonely man.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

It's the modern test of sanity I suppose. It defines what level of crazy you are and what use you can be to a world of autonomy. "what ever could this be?" you ask. Whelp, in the nineteen eighties we had the Rubiks cube, now, it's Freecell. I know what you're thinking, you want to know how, what, and even huh? Let me explain. You see, in order to survive a bureaucracy's whims and pulls you must be a robot. But us humans, we're inefficient robots. In fact, we suck. Oh sure we eat, sleep, and shit like the best of them, but productive? Hardly. We communicate poorly and constantly, we show up late and leave early. But then there's Freecell. Freecell is the bureaucracy's antivirus program for the human consciousness. Each game of Freecell you play brings you one step closer to your eventual integration with your machine. You start playing each game with all 52 cards splayed out in eight columns, form there it's your job to move the cards back and forth using the Freecells to put all the cards back into order, then lock them away in the "bank." simple concept, but very complex, each game has a possible ending. There are no games where you cannot win (unlike solitaire). The game involves no chance, no hidden cards, there are no gimmicks other than the game it's self. The game is shamelessly addictive. The only obstacle you have to overcome while playing is your own humanity. As a human you want to talk, but if you lose focus you lose the game. You have to think so many moves ahead that thinking of your self becomes a distant second. The game also sinks it's claws into your pride with the statistics screen. The stats consist of your current session's wins and losses as well as since you first started playing. The hold it keeps over you is none too dissimilar to that of a gambling addict, you might want to quit, but you won't, you can't. The repetitive and menial task of moving the cards turns you into a component to your computer, an accessory to the machine. Then, as a bit of intentional irony you must realize that this repetitious act you've participating in was all your damn fault. No boss will tell you to play, no one will demand you make a quota of games. But you'll play. Freecell pushes you one step closer to slavery, to your job, your computer, and the bureaucracy. Free your self from Freecell, free your self from the cubicle, and free your self from the complacency of your job. Because if you can't break free you will remain an insignificant component. On a side note current best is seven wins in a row.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

I hear so many girls ask the same thing over and over, "why is it guys love their pornos?" Well, because you can mute a porno. But if you ask most guys they'll all agree that sex is cool. Seeing naked jiggle around is always entertaining, and can relieve a great deal of stress in one shot (so to speak). The best thing to do is simply accept that he likes his porn, not only will he think you're a keeper, but he might just pick up a few new tricks. Oh, and if you're feeling any feelings of jealousy for the talented actresses flickering across the screen relax, no man chooses a fictional girl over a real one. Further more don't take the high and might road either, after all I doubt you girls think of us as your ideal romance.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

I've done the friends with benefits thing plenty of times, and usually it works out good. Some haven't. For anyone who is looking to give this a go I thought I'd give you some advice. Trust me, I've done a lot of research on this subject.

Ok, if you both seem to want the same thing then go for it, but before you do lay out all the ground rules. Make sure she knows its just going to be something you two are going to do as a mutual trade. She gets some, and you get some, supply and demand. If you can both agree that you only want to have sex and don't want to change your relationship then you should be able to handle it. Just remember two things: (1.) You both agree that if something better comes along (e.g. boyfriend/girlfriend) you go for it. (2.) No kissing on the mouth, sex can be without emotion, but a kiss usually isn't. (3.) if you don't you both agree that after sex if one of you, or neither of you want to cuddle it is fine to take off, or to ask the other person to leave.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

It's lunch, I'm sitting here eating my chicken sludge, and watching the clock meander through the day. I feel like I should be doing more, creating a master piece, hell, I'll settle for anything that is above that of simply spanning time till I get to leave. I know that after lunch I will do my chart reviews. Four hours of staring at line after line of 12pt Ariel font text. I'll spend the time checking to see who made mistakes where and noting them. Laughably, all the work I will do will be for nothing, thanks to the bureaucracy incarnate known as the county of orange no one will really care. It turns out all I am doing is noting these mistakes so we can note that they were noted. We won't fix them, we can't. The old computer system was replaced with a newer system that costs millions and does nothing. To feel like a cog in a machine is fine thing, because you know that even though you are tiny, you are important. I am not a cog, I am not a sprocket, I am flotsum set adrift in a bureaucracy's afterbirth. I still work hard, even though no one else seems to. If you work harder all you get is more work, if you don't' work they pass along your work to someone else. Everyone else here works just hard enough to not get fired, which is funny because the paperwork to fire someone is so immense that it's not worth it. What does this gripe mean? Nothing. What will this accomplish? Nothing. What does this make me? Good question. After all, if I can see all this that means I am better than nothing... Right?

and with that I finish my chicken sludge and get back to work.

Original_exile@hotmail.com

I went do Disney Land today, got to see the haunted mansion. Being a Tim Burton fan I must admit I was a bit excited to see how they set it up. The big deal they made about Oogie Boogie was a bit over done for what there was, but I have to admit part of it disappointed me. You only see jack twice, which is fine seeing as though he's a busy skeleton. But the second time he's inches from you, all kinds of animatronic, and very neat looking. But instead of saying Merry Christmas, he says happy holidays. Happy holidays? What the fook! Is this where we are in this world? That mere threat of people bitching is so powerful that we have to ruin something cool. I'm an atheist, I never bought into the whole Jesus thing. (Nor do I understand the whole thing about his coming out of his hole and seeing his shadow means three more months of winter... But I digress). This whole politically correct thing is going too far, now the Nightmare Before Christmas creatures can't even say Christmas. Did I miss a meeting? Since when did the weak and overly sensitive become more powerful then the masses? I know we should be sensitive to everyone's uniqueness, but sweet dead baby Jesus, take your bitchy claws out of Santa Clause.

This is a Test

This is a test, this is a test of patience, this is a test of your tolerance of boring crap on the internet. This is only a test.