The Tale Of a Broken Heart

I recently came across this guy's blog. It's full of the kind of pain that resinates deep inside you. here is a link:
http://thebadhusband.blogspot.com/

I also included the response i left to one of his entries.



Personally, I wouldn't advise hooking up with anyone in terms of a relationship for a while. A quick fling perhaps, but not much else, it's never a good idea to try and date someone while thinking about someone else. (This is in response to the previous comment about hooking up on your vacation.) I know you've heard this plenty, but this is a time in which you need to work on who you are. You've spent so much focus on the "we" that you've lost the "I." That's why you keep thinking about what she's doing and who, for that matter. Find your self a means of expressions, and a vent for your anger. I hate to prescribe a movie, but maybe you should watch Fight Club, it's a prime example of finding what you need to find. Don't forget, anger and passion are very volitile, bottleing up either one is very hazzardous.
"It's only when you've lost everything that you are free to do anything." -- Tyler Durden



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Loss Of Appetite

It's lunch, and I just microwave two frozen chicken sandwich burger things. The first one I woofed down without a problem. Before I took my first bite of the second one I noticed something sticking out of the side of the chicken patty. I tugged on the tube like piece of chicken but it wouldn't go, I pulled harder and it stretched like a rubber band, then snapped back into place. At this point I lifted the top bun off and pulled harder on the extremity, this seemed to unzip the patty from every angle. I let go of the elastic chicken tube which snapped back down again. I scooped up the entire sandwich and threw it in the trash.

I'm grown up enough to know that chicken has tendons, but I won't stand for chicken tentacles. I know somewhere there's a farm growing chicken/squid hybrids for frozen chicken sandwiches.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

HIV And What You Don’t See

Roman M. Hernandez is 51 years old and infected with HIV. Through most of his formative years he was a self-admitted force of destruction. From involvement with drugs and alcohol as early as age eleven he was going down a path of ultimate doom. Drinking, carousing, and a failed attempt at a family all lay in his wake as he headed for rock bottom. In July of 1990 Roman was infected with HIV though sexual intercourse, ironically this was the first time he had had sex with out a condom.

With the emphasis always on the preventing the contraction of HIV Roman, and his girlfriend Carol Manson focused more on surviving HIV. Carol and Roman are both recovering drug addicts, and though meetings they found each other. They’ve been together for a very long time, and like most couples they bicker up a storm as well as many other couple activities. But the similarities to your average couple end there. Every day is filled with precautionary steps to prevent any illness to befall Roman. Even a cold as minor as a sore throat could kill roman. HIV essentially destroys the bodies defense systems and without those defenses Roman can suffer illness from drinking regular tap water. Carol is constantly in danger of infection because of how easily the virus can spread through blood, semen/vaginal fluids, oral sex, sharing tooth brushes and razors, and breast milk. Luckily Roman is not lactating, the others vehicles for the virus are omnipresent. Carol has even had to forgo cheese from her cooking, as those infected with HIV have adverse cholesterol problems.

Condoms, condoms, condoms; like a letter from the Department of Redundancy Department the necessity of condoms must be drilled into everyone’s head. HIV spreads without regard to age, race, sex, religion, or sexual orientation; it’s and equal opportunity killer. Even the act of infecting someone without telling him or her is legally classified as manslaughter. While cancer and AIDS can go into remission they’re only lying dormant, still contagious and still capable of coming back in full force. In fact even if you have HIV you can still kill someone who already has the virus, each person carries a different strain. Many people are A Symptomatic, which means they carry the virus, but they do not show any signs of illness.

Although I do appreciate our speakers coming in at talking to us their stories seem to give rise to one darker questions: Does fear of death give reason for life? It seems to me that situation our speakers find them selves in is one that they are living to not die. Though this concept seems simple enough they both decided to turn their lives around only when they realized that they were going to die. It wasn’t until the consequences for their actions became far too large to ignore. In Roman’s case he nearly destroyed his first family and saw no reason to reform himself, he hurt countless others and never batted an eye. Before he ignored the prospect of death because it was something for someone else, but once he knew that he would be dead soon he suddenly decided to change his life for the better. “You must not fear, but know that one day you are going to die, until then, you are useless.” Tyler Durden, Fight Club.

HIV and AIDS are far more than just a virus; they are a curse. And while it is your body that may be infected it is your fiends and family that are consumed by this virus. Watching a loved one cling desperately to life or agonizingly give over to death is a fate that no one should have to endure. But there are still people out there that don’t use condoms.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Procrastination Nation

We are a society of procrastinators, every one puts off now what can be put off till later... And even doing it then is easy. I realize that I am one such person. Currently I am writing a script, two novels, a collection of short stories, and countless articles. They are exactly where they were last year. Granted I have been spit balling ideas in my mind, laying out story, but I haven't put anything on paper since forever. I keep thinking about getting some progress made, but I always find something else to do, or should I say, find something else to not do. It's not exactly writers block, but rather writers malaise.

Everyday I think about the things that would make me want to write. Time to rest and relax, which I spend watching TV, or the thrill of publishing, which requires me to get off the couch... The worst part is I find my self attempting to blame my environment for my current situation. "if I had a job better," "if I had a new apartment," "if I had just had some time to relax." the reason I find fault in blaming my environment for my current state is that my environment forms around me, just like the rest of us.

The only thing that I still retain from my "life as a writer" is this blogg, this data base for potential magazine articles. After all, this is the only reason I've kept this blog running is that I'm storing future ideas for articles. All I need to do now is write them out and gold... Of course I need to find a magazine to write for... And I need to vacuum this weekend... And then there's my homework...


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Time Keeps On Keep'n On

The oldest of us say "you're only young once" and the youngest of us are rushing to grow up. Personally I've never pined for old age, nor have I mourned for my youth. The one thing you must always keep in mind is that not only is time fleeting, but relative. When you were 10 a year was a tenth of your life, at twenty it's a 20th, the older you get the faster time will slow past you. Fight the malaise of complacency, or else it will rob you of what youth you have.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

The Witness For The State

Last week my Human Sexuality class was honored to have an expert rape councilor from CSP. She has worked a great deal at the Sexual Assault Center, counseling victims of and attempting to stem the epidemic of sexual assault. The reason sexual assault is referred to as an epidemic is because it's spreading with the same ferocity of typhoid, and like typhoid it's leaving its survivors physically, emotionally, and socially damaged for the rest of their lives.

Those that the victim knows usually perpetuate the disease of rape. Abduction rapes, when an unknown assailant kidnaps the victim, are actually the least common form of rape. Unfortunately the abduction rapes are also the least reported because the victim usually killed and/or left for dead. This leaves the remaining 97% of rapes that are committed by those the victim may have considered a friend or even a family member. Rape is defined as not consensual sex, if someone says no, they do not consent, and sadly the transgressor often dismisses this. Rapists often feel entitled and will use any means necessary to take advantage of their victims, from date rape drugs to knives.

As many would agree, the consequences for rape do not nearly equal the act it's self. From the legal point of view this is a crime against the state and the victim is simply a witness. But to anyone who is still holding the ideals that humanity is supposed to hold they see the true travesty of rape. The victims of rape often feel that they should not have survived the experience, in fact a large part of them have died. Rape is considered on par with murder because in many ways it is very similar. Rape kills off a great deal of the victims personality, their future, and destroys the life that they planed on having before the attack. With fractured minds left in their wake rapists are often returned to the streets within months of the conviction.
In this society we tend to blame the victim to gain the feeling of security, after all, if it's the victim's fault then we just won't be a victim. The horrors of the phrase "well, what did she expect, wearing that" prove that a society that shuns the victim is truly pathetic. I've had a lot of experience with victims of sexual assault and from what I've seen nobody blames the victim like the victim. My friend (who I will not name) actually became a carver. She had told be before that her reason for slicing up her arms was that "it feels like there's an screaming pain building up in my head that is so intense that the pain of cutting my self is only way to let it out." The agony of life at times was too much for her, the little girl she was before she was assaulted was dead and only the mourning embodiment of her pain was left behind. I too have noticed that no two victims react the incident exactly the same, but they all seem to follow similar patterns. Regardless of the situation I've learned to follow certain rules of engagement when dealing with anyone who was a victim of rape.

1. Never say, "Well, what I would have done," because you weren't there, and this isn't about you.
2. Don't play devil's advocate, the last thing this person needs is to be told they are responsible in any way for this. No one could make any mistake that would deserve this.
3. Only stay as close as you are welcome to stay, no contact will make them feel ashamed, but too much contact will revolt them.
4. Be there, despite how they act, or how they feel, there are even times they'll want to take their anger out on you. Realize that they have a lot of pain to deal with and sometimes this causes people to shutoff to the feelings of others.

All and all I feel that this presentation tonight was quite well done. Our speaker used her own experience both as a councilor and victim to speak to us on every level. Her use of humor at the appropriate times shows that even if someone becomes a victim it doesn't mean they have to stay one.

The most discomforting piece of information from the talk that night was that the victim in a sexual assault case is nothing more than a witness for the state against the accused. This means that the whole trial is about the legality of the crime, not the victim, their rights, or their life. The sad thing is that if you rob a convenience store the clerk can press charges, but if it's a person being robbed of their life they are just a witness to the events.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

"Just Be Yourself," And Other Such Bad Advice.

We all heard it from our parents, "just be your self." be it the first day of school or your first date this advise haunted all of us. This is nearly impossible because either we don't know who we are, or worse, we do.

Unless you were fortunate beyond fortunate to be instantly liked and accepted your entire life and adored by everyone you probably put some effort in to acceptance. No before this begins storing up ammo for your own blogger rant keep in mind that I know that it was only a select few who strived for popularity. But we all wanted to be accepted, it's always an ironic truth that the members of the chess club were more accepted among their friends than you were among yours. Day to day you knew there were things you couldn't say, and stuff you couldn't do. If you were in the popular set you had to conform to popular trend, if you were in the punk set you couldn't idealize NSYNC. Even the nonconformists had to conform to the nonconformist lifestyle, thank you Hot Topic. There were even the poor bastards who couldn't even fit in with the outcasts, these people were exiles. Exiles could never really fit into one single group, not because they went well everyone, it's because they were just different enough not to fit in.

Our differences make us unique, but they don't make us special. When you stand alone you are alone, and when you conform you sacrifice your individuality. The the advise given by our parents should be phrased closer to "put your best foot forward and be likeable." but even that's incorrect in it's own way. All in all I suppose the reason for the "be your self" advise is because your mom thinks you're cool, and she's the only one.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Speaking Of Gay

Tonight we were privileged to have speakers from the PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Our speakers Valerie (lesbian) and Brandon (gay) hit on many topics, shared life experiences, and a lot of Q & A. With all the topics they hit on, and all the messages they carried, their most important point was that they were boring.

Valerie said best when she said, “I’m just a regular boring adult.” No message rang truer than that the fact that there was nothing fantastic about being gay. It’s nothing alarming or unusual; it’s just different form of a normal life. They pay their taxes, they argue with their partners, and they live regular lives. Now granted they were faced with larger hurtles growing up, from losing friends they had crushes on to possible disownment by parents. Brandon mentioned that his mom originally thought, “This was a punishment from God,” which must have been hell to deal with as a teenager. After all, between pimples and puberty this “God” punishes teenagers enough without singling them out to be gay.

The most interesting topic by far was that there’s no such thing as bad publicity when it comes to homosexuality. Will & Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and Queer As Folk may carry many stereotypes but this is not such a bad thing. According to Valerie and Brandon the more homosexuality is in the public eye the better. Good or bad, it’s still bringing attention to the cause. To quote Cousin Bubba “a man came to my door once and asked me ‘what was the worse vice of society, ignorance or indifference?’ So I said ‘I don’t know and I don’t care.’” The long and the short of it is that the ignorance of can lead to misunderstanding and prejudice, while indifference leads to neglect of the their civil rights.

Personally I say there is no “I” in tolerance, because tolerance is wrong. We should not be teaching tolerance of homosexuality, we should be teaching acceptance. Tolerance implies that we intend to simply tolerate something as long as we can, like your neighbor’s a barking dog. This is wrong, we shouldn’t look at homosexuals as a nuisance we tolerate, but rather as equal human beings that we accept as a part of our society.

I suppose the moral of this story would be that we should not tolerate homosexuals, but accept them. After all, they’re just as normal and boring as we are.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Handicap Parking

By law the closest parking spots are reserved for the handicapped. This is very fair, after all, they most likely cannot walk very far and should be granted the ability to park where they need to in order to still be Mobil. I'm completely fine with this. What I'm not fine with are the people who are handicapped who are parking in non-handicap areas.

When a parking lot is designed the stalls for handicap parking are labeled clearly that they are for the handicapped only. So if one space (for example) is designated with the blue and white wheelchair logo it is saved for a disabled person, this one spot that I cannot park in. But when the handicap person decides to park in a regular spot they have effectively taken two spots that I could have occupied. After all, I can't park in the spot they're parked in nor can I park in the empty handicapped spot.

To be honest this is just numerically inconsiderate. Just because God took away your ability to walk doesn't mean I have to lose my parking space.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Parakeet Logic

The other day I went to open the door to my office building when I saw someone coming up to the door through the glass. Naturally I lowered my had from the Handel and stepped back to allow the other person to exit. After a moment of waiting I realized it was my reflection.


Even super computers crash sometimes.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Impending Doom

"It's coming, you know, the doom." Or so this is what they say.
The doom will be here shortly, and I have to stand in it's way.
I suppose I've been expecting it, waiting for the end,
a waiting every moment, every second that I spend.
It has inched it's way closer, deeper in my soul.
It's something you can't ignore, like a black-hair-sprouting mole.
I feel that it has drawn near,
I can tell by the waves of fear.
In a moment I will face this doom,
and I will end with a whimper, not a boom.


(Please keep in mind I hate poems, this was like pulling teeth.)


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Take A Joke You Moron

Once again I'm in trouble. I joked with someone in another office who misunderstood what I said. Now I've been the butt of a joke or two, I've teased and laughed, but never have I done this whole "mid funny shut down." I've met so many people that do this, you're laughing, joking, having a good time, and they misread one thing you say and act like you were never joking with them. All I was doing was joking around with a girl at another office on the phone, her and I were laughing and nothing was a miss. But then, as I said that I hate having to leave my crappy cubicle I said "I know this may involve you having to get out of your chair, but we all have to make sacrifices." The request was to leave a note on someone's computer, but all the jokes were lost in that second. What kind of mentality is it that you have a full mood shift in that short of time. Maybe I'm not normal but if someone offends me while we're joking I don't' take it to heart unless I know there was some spite behind it.

An example of this happened a while ago when I was at one of our other offices where I joke around with the receptionists there. One of the girls walks up to me and says "you really need a girlfriend," not as a joke, not as a punch-line, just to be mean. Now if this had been in a situation where we were joking back and forth I would have replied "are you making an offer?" But this was just spite pure and simple. With my phone call I had no spite, no unintentional spite, I don't even know this other person.

Sometimes the burden of spreading joy is a heavy one, why can't those assholes lighten up?


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

From Apples to Assholes

While delivering paperwork to our facility across the street I decided to eat an apple. Sounds respectable enough, what could possibly be wrong with that. I'm enjoying my few moments of liberation from my cubicle to walk in the sun and eat an apple. After taking a huge bite someone from the office begins to engage me in impersonal banter, the kind that goes "how are you today?" and you respond "good," regardless of your current state. So he asks me how I'm doing as I take a large bite of my apple, clinging to what manners I have I don't really respond audibly but make a gesture with my head and shoulders that I hope implies that I'm good.

This does not suffice.

I receive a look from this fellow employee that I'm quite rude for not answering him appropriately. I hold up the apple with the huge bite in it, but he frowns on it like I'm offering him a bite. In a huffy manner he walks away while I just stand there bewildered at his response. Was he expecting me to hock up this chunk of apple to give him an answer he would have forgotten as soon as I was out of sight? I'm not a rude person, I just don't understand why someone just accepts that I can be.

It's like when your on the phone doing work and there's a personal conversation behind you that is so loud you can't hear who you're on the phone with. If you ask them to keep it down they look at you like you're the biggest asshole in the office, when you would rather not be on the phone at all. You don't want to listen to the person on the phone, you don't want to tell them to shut the hell up.

The irony is that if you try so hard to not be rude and suffer the consequences, but if you're a little more rude you get eat you apple in peace.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com