Confronting Shirtless McMuscles

Shirtless McMuscles
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

(Shirtless's portion of the conversation was omitted (turns out his voice is sexy too, the bastard))



Hello...

So Shirtless McMuscles we meet at last.

What? What do you mean you've never heard of me?

Don't worry about where I've heard about you.

So what's the deal with strut'n around all "manly" and putting us anti-gym types to shame?

What do you mean you don't understand, I'm sure it's not just lawn furniture you're hosing down.

Oh, I didn't know you're married... To a woman?

It's not supposed to mean anything. I just thought with the Gilligan hat and all...

Oh, your it was your dad's hat? I'm sorry, didn't realize it had sentimental value, when did you say he died?

A couple months ago, oh, I, um...

What did I want? Oh, I was, ahem, going ask about the whole shirtless thing, every weekend you're...

Oh, I didn't realize you donated all your shirts to charity.

And you hand make rocking horses for the children at the orphanage? Next you'll tell me that this isn't your lawn furniture and you're just doing this for the old folks home.

You are?

I didn't realize I caught you before you were about to delivered this stuff.

The lady across the street laughing her ass off? Yeah, I know her.

She keeps taking pictures because she's a, um, photographer.

You want her to do the photography at your vow renewal? I suppose that is a good anniversary present...

Welp, I'm going to go back across the street and cry now.

no, I don't need a hug.

Pole Dance

There is a pole behind my desk. It's supposed to be holding up the building.

People walk into it all the time and I laugh at them.





... Sometimes I walk into it too.





Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Thoughts I Have

Ok, it's time to expunge my mind of all the thoughts I have that roll around and have no home.

• during a year there are more odd number days that even.
• If we had prehensile genitals (much like the way monkeys have prehensile tails) would we still have to wear pants and underwear?
• If zombies were to run amok, I would definitely use a Costco as my base of operations, plenty of food, water, and steel shutters. Unfortunately they don't' have shotgun shells.
• I've been thinking of a cheaper way to feed my snake every month, but I don't know what laws are involved in adopting kittens.
• Do the boyfriends and husbands of Firewomen feel inadequate? I mean, after handling that hose all day, how do you compete?
• If everyone had to wear name tags with ever sexual desire and fetish they had listed on it, we would feel quite differently about respecting the people we do now.
• If you're addicted to orgasm's do you ever seek help?
• When other people find out that someone wants to have sex with them, but is holding back, do they toy with them? Or is it just me?
• I know when I bought my truck it was used. But how used? I wonder how many people have had sex in my truck. Am I winning or losing this race?
• I don't trust gas stations, I mean, why is it the first ten gallons zip by faster than the last 2. Also, how do we know when it's going really slow if it's still pumping gass. You feel the hose vibrate, but that's just the fume vacuum.
• I still hate pandas.
• People have asked if they can come over and see my new place, but they don't understand how empty it is. Unless everyone intends to hang out on my bed and not watch TV (still no cable) they're in for a big surprise. On the other hand if they are intending to come over, hang out on my bed and not watch TV then I'm in for a big surprise.
• I've always wanted to own a Delorean, but I've also always wanted to mount a tennis ball gun on the front of my car. I can't do that to a Delorean, so which should I do?
• When I do get my Delorean I plan on going here: http://www.delorean.com/sales.asp
• If I could be invisible I don't think there's anything I could do that wouldn't be "naughty" or illegal.
• This morning, as I was late to work, I thought to my self "man, if I could travel through time I could make it so I was never later to work ever again." If I could travel through time why the hell would I still go to work?
• If I could create the perfect woman she'd have crazy super powers, that way we could just take over the world.
• Now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to take over the world, it's kinda lame here. I'd want to take over a really cool world. One with jet packs.
• The Phrase "hurry up and slow down" doesn't sound like it makes sense, but it does when you think about it in terms of driving.
• If you see a woman you don't know that has really nice breasts how do you compliment her on them? You can tell by the way she's displaying them that she's proud of them.
• When gay guys are at gay clubs and they have to pee, to they just openly glance. Or is privacy still in place?
• Is it true that you can go topless on the streets of Toronto? If so can someone send me picture proof.
• The other day I fed my snake a rat I got for free from the pet store. It had an ear infection that left it pretty much retarded, the thing could only roll around on the floor. Herb didn't mind doing a mercy killing and I didn't feel bad about it either.
• Most days my ambition is on par with my apathy.
• When e-mailing at work, as a matter of etiquette, you're suppose to thank the person you're e-mailing. When you make the thanks part of the automated signature, is there any point in having it?
• I hung up a "robe hook" on the back of my bedroom door about a week ago. It's slightly crooked. It bothers me, but I know I shouldn't put more holes in the door.
• My new apartment is in the ghetto. Sometimes when I walk past an open apartment door I glance inside. They all have nicer stuff than me.

Whew! Glad I got that off my brain.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Can't You Come Up With Your Own Stuff?

Yes, I'm stealing from a joke e-mail, but I have good reason. As the American ambassador to Canada I must educate them on American culture. In the spirit of continental respect and understanding I give you a list of all 50 states with their mottos.

Please take notes, there will be a test later.


Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tike Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State

Texas
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Ay, Yep

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
We have more rain than you do

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

How Freaky Are You? (Quiz)

Thanks Viv for the Quiz
(if you don't know viv, you must click here)


Instructions:
Copy this entire list into your blog/journal.

BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an asterisk (*) at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.
(my comments are in the Parenthesis)

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex.
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex. (If I'm having sex, it's my favorite place)
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.* (not a peeping setting)
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.*
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on. (I'm not easy, but I'm not difficult)
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.*
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish. (on the other hand a good tickle fight can be fun)
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.* (never thought about it till now, but sounds fun)
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence. (it's very Goth erotic)
I enjoy nudie magazines. (enjoy them on a lever of looking at naked, but would never buy one)
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.* (this should be an aspiration)
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I have clicked on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex comes from porn. (positions, yes, technique, no)
Interracial sex turns me on. (it doesn't turn me off, but the turn on isn't the interracial)
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.* (I need a raise...)
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships. (if I'm disappointed it's cause I'm not trying hard enough)
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac. (they'd be wrong)
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis. (who isn't?)
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water. (well, not where scuba gear was needed, but a sex snorkel could have helped)
I have had sex in the snow.* (how do defrost Canada...)
I am in a polyamorous relationship.*
I have to have music playing while having sex. (does a bed squeeking count as music?)
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.* (if only there was a God, *sigh*)
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.* (I offered, she wanted to exchange it...)
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.* (shit, I can't even get a double date)
I stopped during this list to have sex.*

[from the Nude Organist]


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

A Joke With No Dirty Words

Yes, I cut and pasted from an e-mail. But it was funny.



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech, nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Let Me Hold Your Return Ticket

let me hold your return ticket
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

I thought she was joking when she said she was going to kidnap me.

I thought she was joking.

I thought I'd let her hold my return ticket for safe keeping.



Just look at that evil smile, that's the best part of Canada!

(Parts of me wanted her to drop that ticket, but i won't mention which parts...)

YUM!

YUM!
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

And it tastes good, hehehe.

Minx's Hooters

Minx's Hooters
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

So there's this girl in Canada, and she has some sexy Hooters.

What i learned at Hooters:

1) All the girls have to wear nylons as part of their uniforms.

2) The girl on the far left of the pic absolutely hated me.

3) Give a girl short shorts and a tank top and she can sell anything. (We watch a couple of college guys buy like 10 Hooters shirts just because the girl was flirting with them.)

Blogg'n Hood

blogg'n hood
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

Ok, so my laptop is kaput for now, but i did manage to pull my pics from my camera.

This pic is dedicated to a minx who has not only stopped blogging, but now has an exceptionally long feather in her hat.

(Note: she did not call it macaroni)

Just Grate

just 4 u
Originally uploaded by mitzzee.

This is one way to prevent skid marks.

Warning, Do Not Mix Exile With Technology. Hazardous Results.

Ok, so many of you have asked, why I haven't been blogging lately, and to that I must hold back the tears of sadness. You see it turns out that I have the worst luck with fancy new toys, I don’t lose them, I don’t break them; they just seem to break around me. Let me give you a quick summary of what has happened to me, technology wise, in the past two months.


Digital Camera: I received a digital camera for my birthday. It wasn’t top of the line, but it fit my needs well enough. A nice little HP camera it was full of piss and vinegar. One week after getting it, (after installing all the software, reading the manual) I went on a trip to Mexico. With drink in had and camera in pocket I was just walking around minding my own business. I randomly bumped into an handrail (no harder than the way I bump into anything) and I hear a snap, a crack, and a pop. Seeing as though I knew I didn’t have Rice Crispies in my pocket I quickly reached in. this made me quickly reach back out with shards of my camera sticking out of my hand. I guess HP decided to make the case of my camera out of a glass like plastic. Needless to say they didn’t want it back.

I rebuilt my camera with crazy glue and a paperclip (I lost some parts) and it is now dubbed FRANKEN-CAMERA. It looks pretty sad, but it works.

Zappy Pen: I was feeling really sad and a friend of mine gave me a pen to cheer me up. The pen had a battery in it so when you pushed down to click the pen it zapped you. Seeing as though I like little zappy toys I was quite pleased. I then tried to zap my friend with it. She grabbed one end; I grabbed the other, and crack. The pen lasted less than 10 min. all the wires were broken and the pieces went everywhere.

My Laptop: This was my baby. It was like a good friend who always brought me porn. Silver, sleek, and, dare I say, sexy. With cd/dvd burners the possibilities were endless. Wireless 802.11g meant I could catch any signal and chat, blog, anything, all at my leisure. I got it back in January and even with using it every day had still not used it’s entire potential. I valued this computer more than I valued most human life (seeing as though I don’t value much of human life I suppose this doesn’t have the power I intended). I decided to take it with me on my trip to Canada, I wrote a blog entry on the plane, and I planned on using it to watch a movie or two if we were so inclined to not watch movies in the living room. *Wink* Unfortunately, when it came time for a little movie fun the computer did something it had never done before, nothing. I hit power, I waited. I reset it, I waited. Oh god did I wait, I would have waited till your children were old and gassy, would I have waited. But to no avail. Clacky was the first to examine the body, he didn’t have the heart to say it, but I could see it in his eyes. The hard drive was dead. The blinking curser carried a cruel rhythm with it, like the persistent beat of a dump truck’s tires as it runs over a puppy. It now sits idol in it’s Targus carrying case waiting for resurrection, and I think it’s going to take more than a little purple pill to give this little guy a res-erection.

Air Canada Headphone Jacks: Seeing as though Million Dollar Baby was playing as our return flight movie I thought I’d watch. Naturally, as I plugged in my head phones the jack in my row of seats shorted out in a quite deafening manner.

The Relic (aka my old laptop): in desperation for communication I decided to pull my old laptop out of my storage boxes. A decent little Compaq, I’ve had the little workhorse for years (over six years, give or take a month), and while it’s CD drive was burned out, the hard drive barely ran, it was slow as hell, and had poor resolution, I figured it could still give me some help. I decided that I had to get the pics off my digital camera, after all, they were from my Canada trip, and I didn’t want to lose the pics of my sexy minx. So last night I decided to try and install my camera on the computer so I could transfer the pics to my jump drive… I swear this was a good idea when I started… so I hooked up my external CD drive, I popped in the CD, and then I waited. It took forever, for the little relic to comprehend the task at hand. The progress bar crept agonizingly across the screen; nearly 45 minutes later the computer innocently requested a restart. Many say that the last moment you see someone alive you can feel that this will be it, fuck if I saw this one coming. Error message after error message, not enough memory to run program, bad file, corrupted date. I desperately attempted to salvage the machine, tromping through Safe Mode I deleted the camera, I deleted files I could afford to lose, I just kept rolling through deleting things, but it was a loss. Two laptops in so many months… you’d think I’d learn

Babylon 5 DVD/PS2: When you move into an apartment there is no cable hooked up, and without an antenna you have to just watch your old movies till you get off your ass and call the cable guy. Naturally I’m still to lazy to do this, so I’ve been watching my Babylon 5 DVDs, and while I’m battling with The Relic the DVD starts to skip and shuts down. (It seems to be working, but with my luck…)

At this rate I’m going to just start generating an EMP field and just wipe out technology everywhere I go. The really funny thing is that I need to download those digital camera photos ASAP, because the battery is dying and the photos aren’t on a memory card.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Canada Bound

(Keep in mind, after the untimely death of my laptop a whole bunch of stuff, I'm slowly rebuilding, this was the post I wrote on the plane, I hope.)

Canada Bound- A Poem

Gather round young tater tots,
I shall regale the story of naughty thoughts.
Quite please, and take your seat,
and listen close to this story incomplete.
Our tail begins far out in the west,
where money is plastic and so is each breast.
Exile is up late preparing for flight,
he's up to late, it's a restless night.
Attempting to sleep on a matters full of air,
only a matter of hours before this one is a pair.
Yancey thoughts swirl thought out his head,
land in an airport, crash in a bed.
A restless night of sleeping on the floors,
is dashed to pieces by Jenna in her drawers.
Startled and yancey, 2 hours of sleep,
at four in the morning Exile is a heap.
Sunglasses on he's brushing his teeth,
like a staggering drunk, he's slurring his speeth.
On the road at mach 5 Jenna's got her caffeine,
bordering nausea and death Exile holds back a scene.
Finally at the airport ready to go,
"sir, your terminal is on the other side of the airport, didn't you know?"
on the little blue buss the driver does fly,
Exile grips on the seat "I don't wanna die."
He finally boards and not a moment to late,
2 hours in security have fueled him with hate.
Waft back from the seat in front is a smell so rank,
the man in front of poor Exile has redefined stank.
Tired as hell he now has the munchies,
rewarded with pancakes cooked nice and crunchy.
The 5 hours flight crawled by quite slow,
that's what happens to time when you want some "you know."
Customs took too long, and he wanted out pronto,
FYI, this is the place with the stinkiest bathroom in Toronto.
Out of the gate and what does he see?
An entire terminal, minus one Mitzee.
Frantic calls abound and a chase follows in suit,
she's walking 50 feet ahead, and the wrong way to boot!
Finally it's here and that first kiss so perfect,
at that moment they know it was all worth it.
And so it was off to Jax, away they snuck,
months of yancey anticipation they were ready to... Sight see.


For the editorial sake of this poem,
I left out the details about all the throw'n.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Work'n In The Dirt Makes You Feel Like A Man

dune
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

This was so clever that it was my background on my computer for years.

I'm At A Loss For Words

Sunset
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

It’s like as if I’m sitting on a hilltop, with no one around for miles. And in that moment I am the only one who can see this sunset, it’s absolutely incredible. A beauty beyond description, and I’m lucky enough to be there to see it.

Others may have seen it before, but no one has ever truly seen it for everything that it is.



That is my minx, my muse.

peek-a-boo

peek-a-boo
Originally uploaded by Exile509.

So much sexy, and just a few days away.

How could I not cross a continent for a woman like this?

Hello? Is There Anyone Beyond These Cubicle Walls?

Ok, I just have to share my hatred for something. I hate when I call out to someone in the other cubicle and they don't respond. Now I'm not one of those cube talkers that just yaps away all day over the walls, but occationally I do need to know if the other person is there.

Example, if I have a question about an order, I can't just wing it. So I call out and see if the person is there. (we share a wall, I'm not going to use the phone.) so in a friendly work tone I call out their name. No response. Then I listen, sure enough they're there typing away. They're not on the phone, they're not listening to music, they're just ignoring me.

So now I have to walk over to their desk, which means transversing the entire bank of cubes, just to reach a place less than 4 feet from my desk. Upon reaching their desk I'm greeted with the "why couldn't you just walk over look" to which I respond with the "is it bring a shotgun to work day?" look. Finally I ask my piddle little question, and then walk all the way back to my desk.

My rhythm is now shot, and I've most likely lost my place as to where I am in my work.

All I needed is a shout back, and it would have been all good.

Hell isn't other people, Hell is dealing with people in a cubicle.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Bye Bye Random Picture

I guess Buster is shutting down the Random Picture blog. "This is definately Poop's McGee."

Atleast i got my last one in before it all goes poo.

(I just wish i would have done a better post, hehehe)

http://randompicturerandomstory.blogspot.com/


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

I Damn Near Threw Up

Sometimes I try and place nice when people bring “children” around me. Today one of my co-workers brought her 2-day-old baby in.

I smile, I cringed, and I hugged the walls of the hallway when they passed.

As she was leaving I decided I would attempt to engage in conversation with the mother. (She was already talking with another co-worker):


Exile- Hi Keli

Mother- Hi… So anyways, the umbilical cord finally came off yesterday. It’s a good thing, cause it was all brown and crusty.

Exile- excuse me (with bile rising, I try and get to my desk)

Mother- isn’t she cute?

Exile- sure is! (I lie. I sit down at my desk and hold back my dry heave)




I put in an effort; that has to count for something.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

At Least Ford Prefect Knows How I Feel

"It's the most horrible feeling in the world, like being drunk."

"What's so bad about being drunk?"

"Ask a glass of water."


This is how my month has been, except for the fact that I'm painfully sober.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com