I still have some bad wires in my head.
Ok, I've always had some bad wires in my head. As far back as I can remember, the wiring in this old house has always been on the verge of a system wide short.
When I broke up with my ex, the inevitable short came, and it blew the circuit breakers. I think it even knocked out a transformer (the thing on the telephone pole, not the robot car...). The second shock to the system came about when I wrote the
System Down post. When we broke up back in march I should have immediately pulled my self up by the boot straps and moved on like I always did, but instead I just let the decay set in. I'm not sure why, maybe it was just not wanting to deal with the burden of repair, maybe I was just tired of trying to fix myself, but I just didn't really move on.
I just wallowed there.
I had said many times before that I had lost everything, but no one really understood what I meant. They always though I was just mopey because I lost my girlfriend, but I lost a lot more. Essentially, all the good parts of my personality died. (to be honest I was glad they did.) I was tired of fighting the disease that welled up inside me.
they say time heals all wounds, well, it also leave a bitch of a scar too.
after the break up I resorted to my old ways, I returned to being the "vampire of flesh" that I once was. Except now I knew what a hollow existence that was. it was like allowing a prisoner to see a perfect sunset on a beach, only to slam them back into their cell.
the future looked pretty bleak, after all, with a drive to become better than I was I felt inclined to slide down the slope of decay. It's a sad state of affairs when darkness and damnation has a welcoming presence.
Luckily I did have a few saving graces, I had a couple of friends who didn't want me to slip away, and while it may have been only over the phone (and through Mexican calling cards) it kept me going.
I've always been an equal mix of light and dark, and I've always teetered on the precipice between the two.
like I said, time heals all wounds (yes, I'm claiming credit).
but my scars still remain.
to illustrate this fact, I point out that I have a girlfriend now, a beautiful girl who I've nicknamed
Peaches, and I must say I'm quite smitten with this girl (I'm in deep smitt). She makes me feel a way that that I haven't felt in a long time, she makes me feel loved. (which works out well seeing as though I'm in love with her.) we have one of those puzzle piece relationships that many long for, we meet the needs of one another perfectly (if one wants, the other gives, and vice versa.) no needs go unmet.
unfortunately my scars still remain. See, I thought I had this with my ex, but when our relationship ground to an end I found that this wasn't the case at all. Needless to say my trust was violated, and it was my own damn fault.
this has resulted in me "second guessing" everything I do. I am completely open and honest with Peaches, I tell her everything, even things I keep hidden away from those I trust most. And when I do things I do them with out reservation (usually people are open with words, but not actions). This is where concern falls in.
the scars lie in my judgment and confidence
everything thing I did with my ex I did out of love, and it eventually drove her away, so what if it happens again? If I couldn't tell that what I was doing was wrong the last time around, how will I know now? How bad is the wiring in this machine?
the one thing I know is that I love her and that I'll do everything I can to make her happy.
I listen to her and remember everything she tells me.
I study every thing about her.
I always try and make her laugh.
I did her dishes (it hurts her back to lean over the sink for that long.)
I try and surprise her (even if it's just a bar of soap).
I always have that spot in my arms reserved specially for her
and I always tell her that I love her.
I hope it's enough, especially with all these bad wires.
Exile
Original_exile@hotmail.com
