A Slight Distraction

Well, for someone who didn't have work i sure was busy. here are the events that followed the humping condoms post:

-I did yard work at my parents house on Thursday, it was the earliest I've woken up in weeks and i spent the whole day trimming trees, bushes, and palm trees with four inch needles. (i hate those things). To top it off it kept raining on and off, not enough to stop working, but enough to make the ladder very slippery.

-Friday i woke up with a severe respiratory infection, ever since i got back from the ER with grandma i was feeling sickish, and it finally took hold. "luckily" because i had the week off of work i took care of things real quick like. got into the urgent care, got my meds, picked up my prescriptions, and got back on the road to healthy. (i put luckily in quotes because that's the only positive thing i can get out of missing a week's worth of f'n pay.

-On my way home from the urgent care i stopped by Petco (a pet store chain) to use up a store credit on some expendable fish. here's what happened after twenty minutes of waiting for service:
Employee- Can i help you?
Exile- yeah, i would like to buy some fish
Employee- Is your tank already established?
Exile- Of course (this is a novice question, it means has the tank been running long enough to support fish)
Employee- did you have fish in there before?
Exile- yeah, they didn't last, i'm hoping these one will.
Employee- they didn't last? what did you have in there with them?
Exile- a few Barbs (a type of fish) and a turtle (a type of turtle.)
Employee- and you're trying to put fish in with a turtle?
Exile- well, sometimes you can get fish and turtles to live together.
Employee- No you can't.
Exile- actually...
Employee- (interrupts) NO YOU CAN'T.
Exile- What? I've...
Employee- (interrupts a story of my boy hood about turtle/fish cohabitation) No sir.
Exile- You're not going to sell me a fish?
Employee- No. (with contempt) The only fish i would sell you is a feeder goldfish.

With that she walked away... So i just went down the street to the next Petco and bought the fish i wanted.

-Saturday and Sunday were spent doing some gaming and hanging out with the girl from the bowling alley (we both have insomnia). while the things with the girl went alright, the gaming put me only 12 trophies behind Gary! And that just happens to be the amount of trophies in the new Penny Arcade Adventures Game. (Exile is closing in).

-On Monday i showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to put in some major work at work (my job is redundant and so is the description) only to find out that they're cutting all over time. now, seeing as though my survival is based solely on the extra cash from overtime (i get about six hours worth a week). So with short week before, the week off last week, and now not getting overtime... i'm pretty screwed.

-tomorrow i'm going to have to square off with my Chiropractor about money she owes me. Remember me talking about running fliers and such? yeah, well, she owes me for $170 for the work i did in September and October. all through November and December i've called all three phone lines, mailed invoices, and slipped them under the door, and delivered them in person to the receptionist. it's been too long to assume she's simply "forgotten" to call me back, so now i have to go down there and demand payment. And with my money situation, i can't walk out of there without it.



On A Positive Note:
I played Buzz: Quiz TV (a PS3 game) and managed to get over 5000 points on the single player match by answering 20 questions correctly each one under a second. (ba ba BOOM!)


and now, a happy song.



Exile

How To Have A Garage Sale

So, my family had a garage sale last week, the sale went well. everyone made a little extra beer money and if it weren't for the fact that we spend a lot on beer i'd say everyone made some coin.

but when it comes to garage sales with us, well, somehow, someone, always winds up holding the bag. or should i say the box...

allow me to take you through the process on my side of things.

Step 1. the family starts talking about having a garage sale, and everyone comes up with grandiose plans

Step 2. about three months later someone remembers talking about a garage sale and the plans all get drudged up again.

Step 3. everyone remembers than Exile has a garage that he can't rent out and begin filling his garage crap.

Step 4. the crap in exile's garage begins to gather dust, the "out of sight, out of mind" mantra begins to haunt him.

Step 5. Even more crap accumulates

Step 6. Exile finally finds someone to rent his garage and is forced to move all the crap into his brother's garage. finally, someone else cares that the garage sale hasn't happened.

Step 7. Grandma hears about the garage, Exile is now picking up stuff on a weekly basis.

Step 8. Ads are placed, signs are made, stuff is amassed in Exile's cousin's garage for the sale (amassing is done by Exile).

Step 9. Day of the garage sale, and it turns out that everyone has been collecting stuff from all their friends. that would be Crap to the power of Crap...

(this picture is from the second day, we emptied the yard on Saturday and refilled it on Sunday!)

Step 10. After a two say sell-a-thon there was still a load of Crap left... guess where it went.


Step 11. Exile drives around with a truck load of crap for a week. (at this point i would like to point out that none of the crap in my truck was mine, but all the stuff that people kept dumping on me.)

Step 12. Exile drives about an hour or so to Perris (if you think Elsinore is bad, try Perris) to a Salvation Army Donation center that isn't picky.



hmmmmm.... i think this is the only Twelve Step Program that has actually driven me to drink.

in case you're wondering what has happened to the Ol' Trash Truck, with all the work she did over the past few weeks, i rewarded her with a bath


Side Note: when you go three years without washing your truck you have to wash it at least five times to get all the grim and dirt off.



Exile

Broke And Broken

Lots of extra work is bad, but having some extra money is good.

speaking of good, I finally rented out my garage! yup, it's been vacant
since the incident with the homeless tweeker (who decided to store himself
in there.) I'm renting it for $75 a month with a $75 deposit, the guy who
came by last night is really cool and he had cash in hand and signed
everything without any craziness. then, just to make things more gooder, he
even bought some of my dads old tools that I was storing in the garage. so
with that and the money I made working for my dad this weekend I've got a
good sized deposit going into the bank today.

with the extra money I'm tempted, sooooo tempted, to buy fun stuff instead
of being responsible (like Red Vs Blue, the Blood Gulch Chronicles, The
Complete Series). but alas, I must be responsible because I'm an adult and
being an adult means that you can't do anything fun. (being an adult sucks).
so I decided to break out my "broken" list.

the broken list is a running tab I keep in my mind of all the things I need
to fix as soon as I have the money to do so... needless to say the list has
gotten long.


The Broken List

THE CONDO
-the couch has a tear in the back rest and is missing a cushion
-the blinds in the living room were broken by my ex-roommates booty call (he
was either going out for a smoke or contemplating jumping from the balcony,
neither would surprise me.)
-the AC unit needs to be recharged, also, the dick holes who painted the
complex painted the AC unit too. so the thing is running at 1/3 capacity.
-the front window has detached from the frame, so the lock is the only thing
holding it together.
-the washing machine has a leak somewhere under the drum. it randomly starts
to leak
-from numerous burger nights my carpet has gone Dalmatian on me.
-the toilet seat in my bathroom is all "bumpy" from water damage from the
previous owner/renter


THE TRUCK
-it needs a wash. either I pay someone else to do it, or I need to go buy
new supplies.
-my check engine light has been on for nearly five months. I know it's just
the O2 sensor in the exhaust system, but those little bastards are $90
minimum.
-there is a rip in my fill hose (the hose that goes from the gas cap to the
tank). I won't blow up or anything (I hope) but if I fill all the way up it
leaks gas and I think it's evaporating out of the tank quicker.
-the door won't open all the way. my truck has been making that "old man
truck" noise when I open the door. this weekend the pin fell half way out
and the door wouldn't close. I knocked it back into place and this morning
the door wouldn't open all the way.
-I'm still missing the front license plate off my truck. oddly enough while
I was at the gas station I saw a guy with a corvette and asked him if cops
harassed him for not having a plate, he said no one has ever said a word
about it.
-it just dawned on me that I don't remember the last time I paid my
registration on my truck.
-it need the air filter replaced, fluids filled, and some other stuff that
will probably break on my way to work in the morning
-the ignition switch (the thingy you put your key in) is broken, well after
the key is out I have to fondle my thingy to stop it from chiming.


with all that, we haven't even touched on my debts.
$3000 on the American Express
$4000 on the Chiropractor
$400 on the Best Buy Card (for the PS3)
$1 for Daniel at work (I wanted a bag of Fritos)

oh, damn near forgot about my Mortgage, Association dues, Gas, Water,
Electric, Cable/Internet, Gasoline, Cell Bill, Toll Road, life insurance,
and two automated savings accounts...

welp, there when that "whoo-who" I was feeling over my so-called extra
money. I think I'm going to go clip some coupons now.




exile

Fingering My Wet Hole

I've been busy lately, stressed mostly

as you may recall from a previous Haiku Friday Post, I've run into a bit of trouble with my condo.

it started with a knock on my door, my neighbor from down stairs (who i had never seen until this moment) asked me if i had a water leak.

my eyebrow was raised

he told me that was a problem in his bathroom and it appeared to be related to my unit. seeing as though the floor plans are identical i worried that the problem in his bathroom was a problem in mine.

OK, now, before i get into this too far, this is what i saw in my bathroom...


hmmmmm.... a bubble, that's not a good thing

here's what i found in his:




can you believe that? Tinkerbell stickers on the mirror!

oh, and a large chunk of the ceiling collapsed with a sprinkling of black mold (for flavor)

i guess MR. Bubble was hiding a secret



now, as you can imagine, I'm in complete joyous rapture over this. i mean, i can barely pay my mortgage on my condo and now it looks like it's literally falling out from under me. (irony has that effect on me)

So, my pop came over and "took a look" at the problem...



this is what we found. now, for those of you who are not familiar with plumbing and how it works, pipes only work when they're connected. you can see by the calcium build up on the pipe, this "connection" let go some time ago. the pipe off to the left is the one that connects the sink drain to the sewer pipe (where the poo poo goes.)

here's the real pisser. see the rubber coupling there? that's not supposed to be there. you only use those things in "emergency" repairs.

"so why is a temporary pipe thingy sealed away inside a wall behind your toilet" you ask? simple, it's cheaper than doing it the right way.

the funny thing is that no one has been using this bathroom since October of last year (save for the occasional guest), so for the amount of damage that was done this had to be going on for years... and that's just about the time frame that the unit below me has been vacant.

yup, for nearly two years, every time someone has washed their hands or poured something down the drain this pipe has dumped the water right into the wall filling the ceiling of the unit below me. (always wanted an indoor pool).

my first reaction was to do what any sound minded homeowner would do, i called "my insurance company". allow me to tell you what they said about my policy:

Mr. Exile, you policy does not cover the following:
-Water Damage
-water damage to other Units resulting from your unit
-repairs
-parts
-mold or mold removal
Your policy does cover:
-hiring a Leak Detection
-damages done while detecting the leak
Oh, and Mr. Exile, you also have a $1,000 deductible

when i asked what my policy did in fact over he told me it was "slip and fall" protection and "fire damage". (mental note, buy better insurance)

there is one stroke of luck to this tail of woe, my dad was/is a general contractor and "Mr. Fix-it Extraordinaire". he was so enthralled with fixing this problem that he made it a daily routine to come over and tinker on my condo. he'd call me and tell me he wanted me to come over an help, but by the time i got home from work he was already done for the day.

i think his rational for tackling this project were that:
1. he was helping his family, and that makes anyone feel ten feet tall
2. it got him out of the house and away from my mother
3. it's been a long time since he did work like this and was so appreciate for it.
4. because he knew he could (between the cancer, radiation, and Kemo, i think he needed to do stuff to feel like his old self again.)

as usual my dad came through will flying colors. he...
-fixed the pipe,
-patched up the wall,
-killed the mold
-patched up downstairs
-and reinstalled the toilet (after i couldn't do it. the flange broke...)

of course this beast of a project still won't die, with all the commotion, the toilet is now leaking from the tank. this looks like something i can fix, i just have to replace the bolts, re secure a pipe fitting, sacrifice a goat, and so one (typical toilet fixing stuff.) between this and the stress at work (bleck). I've been too pooped to do anything (which is ironic seeing as through I've been without that toilet, yet pooped. oh the funniness)

so thanks to my dads awesomeness, this has only cost me $50 bucks in parts, and a few weekends doing yard work at my parents house. needless to say it's a small price to pay for it all.

*sigh* I've been living in this condo for three years (this September) and it's been nothing but heartache and woe. an uphill battle scraping together what little i can to feed this place.
-I've had homeless guys living in my garage-I've had a roommate try to steal $3,000 dollars from me
-I'm paying $1400 a month on my condo (that's just mortgage and association) and the condos my grandma owns in this complex are renting for just $950. (i love the housing market! don't you?)
-and now I'm sinking so deep into debt so deep that when i finally unload this place I'll be lucky to break even


the only way i can see to pull my self out of this hole is to get a roommate and a second job... so much for my PS3 Trophies.




Exile

I Think I'm Getting Screwed, And Not In The Good Way

For those of you not in the know, I'm broke.
I'm damn broke.

I'm so broke, if someone robbed me they'd just be practicing.
(thanks for letting me steal that one Chris Tucker)

Over the past few months I've been working after work for my Chiropractor putting fliers on cars in parking lots. (yes, I'm the guy you all hate.) it's tough and pretty hard on the body, but really, it's not all that bad. I'm being paid Forty bucks per ream of fliers (each flier is a full sheet of paper and there are 500 in a ream). while it seems like a lot i can get nearly a ream an hour done. of course, "running" two hours a night has the benefit of slimming off those "gamer" pounds. hehehe

For months the system has been working pretty well, but this last month seems to be showing a snag in the system in two departments:

A. she's been falling behind in the payments. when we started i was being paid every time i got the fliers. then, i was being paid after i was done passing them out. lately, she "hasn't had the money" to pay me, and she's been getting backed up on her payments.
example: for the month of April i passed out $415 worth of fliers. i kept calling and asking for the money and every time i went in she always "forgot." when i was finally told she had money for me i picked it up and there was only $140 in the envelope. today i picked up three more reams and i got an envelope with $80 in it... so now she owes me $195 plus what she owes me for the reams I've picked up over the last two weeks. (I'm worries she's doing it so I'll lose track and forget how much she owes me.)

B. the week before last i had to return a ream of fliers because i miss judged how long I'd have to work on Sunday at my day job (sometimes i have to work my day job one the weekend, yes my life sucks.) today i picked up three reams of fliers from her office assistant she "relayed" a message to me, she said "well, if you're going to return fliers, it's going to come out of your pocket." i asked her how much is supposed to come out of my pocket and she implied that it would be $40.
This simply will not do, see, with that formula if i get two reams of fliers and i can only pass out one ream, then i will have passed out a ream of paper for nothing.

unfortuantely passing out fliers does have it's down side aside from the aforementioned woes.
1. I'm only charging for passing out the fliers, and in theory it should only take me an hour per ream, but if i can't get a ream done in time (due to lack of cars or time), then it could take me two or more hours to pass out a single ream.
2. security doesn't like me, and those little golf carts are fast. once security hassles me i have to leave the lot, and the time it takes to stop, get in my truck, and move on to another lot make passing out a ream take even longer (see above.)
3. some people are psychotic, I've had two people try and start fights with me because i was putting fliers on cars.
4. there is shit everywhere in parking lots (like those concrete tire stopper thingies) that's a twisted ankle for sure. (and i won't even go into how many chips nails I've earned.)
5. we've been over farming these areas pretty badly, often hitting the same lot twice a week. which means I'm crossing that line from from irritant to nuisance, and while an irritant can be ignored, nuisances are... dealt with. (i can barely afford my mortgage, think i can afford bail?)


in the end, it all comes down to survival.
these are thing things that i do to survive (and trust me, I've done a lot worse)


and for those of you wondering why I'm sticking with this instead of getting an official night job, well, let's just say i want to keep my nights free...


Exile

Hey Staples, You Just Got Fucked In The Ass!

Operation Toner Boner
Project completed

Boo-yeah Mother fucker!

ever get such a sweet deal that all you can do is grab your imaginary suspenders and say "i so rock!"



So what is this deal that i speak of? oh, i just got a brand new $200 printer for fifty bucks!

now, i know what you're thinking, "but exile, we thought your God like abilities were limited only to the bedroom, how did you pull this off?"

well, my minions i shall share my secret with you and let you bask in my awesome-ness

Phase 1: The Dark Harvest
Staples has a recycling program for Toner cartridges. every toner cartridge turned in gets you a single coupon for $3 credit towards your purchase. so I've been collecting these things everywhere i can, and my office goes through a lot of them, and i talked everyone into saving them just for me.

Phase 2: Devaluing
over a couple months i collected nearly forty dollars in coupons, but Staples won't let you use more than three at a time. "good form old bean, but not good enough." see, the idea of only letting someone use three at a time is clever, but I'm more clever-er. (yeah). so what i did, for the past week was go in after work and buy things for $9.25 and so on (the coupon max is 3 coupons at $3... 9 bucks). i bought crap i didn't need, color pencils, dry erase marker kits, you know, crap. but they do have a liberal return policy, hehehe.

Phase 3: Weapons Of Mass Evil
Saturday 10:30am.
I walked into the store with my arsenal in hand
a) I now had 40 dollars in "store credit"
b) a coupon "spend $100 dollars and get $20 off"
c) my old printer "bring in your old printer and we'll take $50 off the purchase of a new printer.


Phase 4: Drop The Hammer
Cashier- hello again (she was working there last night)
Exile- hello to you to you, i would like to return these (i handed over the bag of "crap)
Cashier- well, seeing as though you were in here last night, you have your receipt, right?
Exile- Shucks, i don't (the receipt would not only show that i used my coupons and it would take the credits for the purchases off my Staples Rewards Card).
Cashier- i see
Exile- no worries, store credit will work just fine. I'm buying a printer today.
Cashier- did you know we have a special going on with the printers
Exile- i sure do *points to my old printer on the counter*
Cashier- *looks at me suspiciously* i figured you would know

At that point o left to get the printer i wanted, only to find out the printer i wanted was two dollars short of the minimum purchase... so i had to pick a new one. and then i found this beauty:

click here for all the stats.

it normally runs for $200, but they were taking $40 off at the register.

So i returned to the cashier in triumph

Cashier- i guess you found what you were looking for
Exile- sure did
Cashier- *she began ringing up the printer*
Exile- oh wait, there's a special way i want you to do this
Cashier- i beg your pardon
Exile- i know, this seems weird, but just humor me
Cashier *no longer smiling* ok, what do you want me to do?
Exile- *big smile* OK, scan my rewards card, now the printer, now the coupon for twenty dollars off...
Cashier- oh, you know what, that coupon got voided when i canceled that last transaction (the other printer i wanted). i guess you can't use it
Exile- oh, well let's see if the manager can fix that *big grin*
Cashier- (after the manager punches in his mystery code), ok, i have the coupon in
Exile- good, now cash in the old printer
Cashier- *doesn't say a word*
Exile- and here's the store credit
Cashier- ok, your total is $56(or something close to that)
Exile- *i hand her two more $3 coupons*
Cashier- *not happy* $49.98 (or something close to that)
Exile- I'll put it on the amex. (then mutter to my self) so i can get my 2% cash back.


(i don't think i'm welcome there any more.)


So in true Exile form i finagled my way into a $200 printer (managed to ruin the day of a Staples Cashier) for only $50! the cool thing is that i needed toner for that old printer and it would have costed me 50 bucks to buy more.


and as the true techno-geek that i am, i rushed home, ran up the stairs, and re rigged my wifi router to connect the printer directly to it! (now i can print and scan from anywhere in the house, yay!)



i might be a nerd, but i so fucking rock!



Exile

What The Truck?

Yeah... so remember when i fixed my alternator?


yeah, well, that was just the tip of the shit-berg...


I dropped my truck off at the shop yesterday, and i got a call from the mechanic today...

One Oil Change (synthetic)
Eight Spark Plugs ($9 bucks a pop)
One New Spark Plug wire set ($90)
One fuel filter
One random oil spewing gasket
One air filter
A bunch of extra work
And One full blown exorcism

Yeah...
just Seven Hundred Measly dollars and three days later and i get my truck back


the sad thing is that my truck isn't even worth $700 dollars...
just don't tell her that (she's sensitive)




Exile

My Money Has More Fun Without Me

I know that it takes money to go places, but why is it my money seems to be getting there without me?

"what is he blathering about this time," you ask?

take a look


yeah, it seems that one of my five dollar bills made it all the way to Hawaii!

WTF? sheesh, five bucks can't even get me to work and yet it can make it all the way to the middle of the pacific...

so do you think they got that pizza with pineapple?





Exile