I don't think i need to say anything about this one.

Yeah, just click on the link, start reading... You'll get it.

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Palace/6314/intro.html


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

I'm Sorry, About My Penis

I would like this opportunity to apologies in advance for things I have no control over that occasionally offend people or will offend people in the future.

• To all my friend-girls: Sometimes when I give you a hug it feels good, often really good. Many of these times I will unintentionally become aroused. Call it what you will, but I would like to preemptively address the issue. Occasionally (actually, it's more like often) my penis will have a mind of it's own. it sees an opportunity to come out and play and does so. If you find this offensive then I apologize, but really, you should take the compliment for what it is.
• To the girl with the big boobs: You have really nice boobs, really large nice boobs. You know this, I know this, you can obviously tell I know this. To be honest I'm not totally why I stare, but I do have a few theories. Regardless of why I do it I do, and while many times you purposely draw attention to them, I apologize. But seriously, nice knockers!
• To the person who buys stuff that's already broken: Yeah, about that. See, I'm poor. Very poor. I'm paying my way though college, and so I cut every corner I can. How this brings me to you, well, when I own something and it breaks, often times, instead replacing it I pull a switch-a-roo. I go back to the store, buy a new one, and return my old one in the box with the receipt. Needless to say, you are the one who obviously bought what I broke some how. I know you're going to make a trip back to the store, so I apologize.
• To the person who won't let me merge into your lane on the freeway so I swerve like I'm going to hit you so you slow down and I then cut you off: I'm sorry you're an asshole.
• To Paris Hilton: despite how you act, and how promiscuous you may be I believe that everyone has the right to their personal privacy. With that said I saw your pictures from your sidekick, nice boobies. I know I'm being a hypocrite, but there's something very voyeuristic about looking at pictures of people they didn't intend you to see. Civil rights aside thanks for the free porn. For participating in you invasion of privacy I apologize.
• To the really effeminate gay guy who kept trying to flirt with me: Sorry dude, this sexy isn't for you.
• To the "homeless person with child": Every once and a while I get homeless people asking me for money, they usually throw in "it's for my sick baby at home." I usually reply "well, how much do you want for the baby?" I know that $20 could buy some good crack, but I want a return on my investment. I apologize for offering to buy the baby, the fact of the matter is I would have just backed out of the sale.
• To the person giving away free kittens in the paper: I'm apologize for answering your ad and "adopting" your kitten. It's expensive buying rats for my snake all the time and your kittens were free.
• To humanity: I realize that I will either bring forth doom upon this world, or I have the potential to save the world but won't act on it. Either way you're screwed. For this I apologize.
  

I do hope the preemptive apologize both give you comfort and help you see that I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing regardless of what you really think. Thank you.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Mr. Fantastic

Ok, we all have this guy in our office. Mr. Fantastic! If you have trouble identifying this guy here are his most common attributes.

1. he wears Hawaiian shirts every day, while everyone else wears regular clothes.
2. no matter what you're talking about he has to butt into every conversation with this incomprehensible wit.
3. his jokes are usually lame and nonsensical. Everyone laughs because they don't get it.
4. if you're telling a joke in the office he butts in and steals your thunder. His usual thunder stealing method is to finish the joke before you do or make a distracting side joke while you're talking.
5. he always has a comment for everything, and he expects everything to be a jewel.
6. well known for using phrases like "upon the morrow" and "absotutely."

The worst part about this guy is that you can't complain about him because, you guessed it, every one loves him. More often than not his humor is just plain rude. It's like he's some movie that every one likes and talks about, but you thought sucked.

Informing the "slack jawed yokels" at your work about him will fall on deaf ears. They are too awe struck about his magnificence.

And while you may think that this is mere jealousy keep in mind that this guy floats around looking for conversations to butt into just to upstage the person speaking. It's just unfortunate that I'm the only one that sees it.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Chant This Sentence Out Loud To Impress Friends and Co-Workers Alike With Your Statement Of Enlightenment.

High yam sofa king wheat hearted.

Again...


High yam sofa king wheat hearted.

Again, faster...

High yam sofa king wheat hearted.

One more time!

High yam sofa king wheat hearted.

Do you feel enlightened?

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

I Hate Ice Skating!

This is the stupidest waste of time there is. Snowboarding if fun, walking in the snow, sledding, all fine. While out on the slippery ice rink of death I started running a list of things I'd rather do doing than ice skating.

1. Stand in line at the DMV
2. Get a root canal
3. Get a root canal at the DMV
4. Clean my shower and toilet (this is worse than it sounds)
5. Sit in a church and hear about some dead guy who was nailed to a couple of 2x4s.
6. Laugh while taking a shot of tequila, resulting in the tequila shooting into my nose.
7. Listen to a drunk go on about their theory of life and how to understand it all.
8. Have someone flush the toilet while I'm in the shower.
   
   
   Exile
   
   Original_exile@hotmail.com

Love Profile

Taurus - Your Love Profile Your positive traits: You tend to stick with relationships - through the good and the bad. You are a great listener and tend to give valuable advice. Cautious and careful, you never jump in recklessly... saving yourself from heartbreak. Your negative traits: Money is very important to you, so much so that it's a cause of arguments in relationships. If your lover isn't loyal or attentive enough to you, your eyes start to wander... You tend to keep things inside - so your partner may not know when or why you're upset. Your ideal partner: Is stable, serious, and ready to be committed to you. Is successful and able to provide you with the lifestyle you crave. A true romantic, who is willing to express their desire for your heart. Your dating style: Comfortable and traditional. You'd love to have a nice meal at a cozy restaurant. Your seduction style: Love comes first for you before you'd even think of intimacy. Traditional: you're not a cold fish - but you're not into kink either. Pleasing... you always make sure that your partner is having a good time. Tips for the future: Be willing to change your mind. Who you think is the love of your life may be very wrong for you. Try listening to your mate. While your stubborn streak is hard to break, sometimes your partner knows best. Ligthen up! The first months of a relationship should be about fun, not intentions. Best place to meet someone online: American Singles - peek in on how much potential dates make, and what they do for a living. Best color to attract mate: Pale blue Best day for a date: Friday Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Worst Pickup Lines Ever.

A short list of the worst pickup lines I could think of. No I didn’t copy these off a junk mail, I actually came up with them all on my own… except #2, I think that was from “200 Cigarettes.”

1. I’m an astronaut on a mission to explore Uranus.
2. How do you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?
3. You’re the sexiest thing in this bar, and you look exactly like my sister.
4. With as many STDs as I have you know I put out.
5. I’m looking for someone to be a father for my kids.
6. No no no, she passed out before she could press charges.
7. Not only do I love children, but I also have a really good lawyer.
8. Would you like to get out of here? My parole officer keeps staring at me.
9. Napoleon told me that as the living embodiment of Christ, you must bare my child.
10. Let’s get out of this bar and go somewhere more private. Hurry, I’ve been wearing this condom for over an hour and it’s really chaffing.
11. If I buy you a drink is it deducted from your hourly rate?
12. I want to get you home before I sober up.
13. With a face like yours I’m thinking you’re a sure thing.
14. Are you as gassy as I am after eating those pickled eggs?
15. I’m man enough to admit that I cry after sex.
16. Hey, I’ve gotta take a dump, but when I get back I want to ask you out. So don’t go anywhere.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Malfunction

I don't know how to feel about this. While using my new laptop (a separate post is in order for this) I noticed that my Touch Pad Mouse wasn't working. I kept tapping like crazy and so on and it didn't work. At first I thought it was broken, but then I realized that it wasn't the computer, it's my finger. I have no idea why, but for some reason I have to keep rubbing my finger tip on my shirt to get it to work. WTF? I guess when I rest my fingers on the keys they get all warm or something and stop working the mouse. The touch pad doesn't respond to inanimate objects, only human touch.

It's nice to know my laptop don't even think I'm human.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Advise

"Never put anything up your ass that doesn't have a handle."

That is helpful on both a literal and metaphorical level.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

What kind of flirt are you?

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

click here for your seduction style: http://www.blogthings.com/seducerquiz/

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Inappropriate Questions That I Want To Know

Ok, I have some questions for those who read this blog, they're actually for anyone, but I wanted you to feel special. Reply in the comments, come on, share with the class.

1. Have you ever sneezed during sex? (were you pleased with the result?)
2. Do you own up to peeing in the shower? (we all know that you do.)
3. Have you ever farted at work and tried to blame your shoes. ("no, I was dragging my feet.")
4. Do you sing out loud when listening to music you would never want anyone to know you sing with? (ie: any Ricky Martin song.)
5. Have you ever called your boss Mom?
6. When you're in the restroom by your self and someone else comes, do you lift your feet off the ground so they won't recognize you?
7. Do you lie about being late and brag about being early?
8. Do you ever give out other people's numbers when people ask for your office number?
9. Have you ever had a sexual activity at your office? (by your self or with help.)
10. Have you ever regifted something your shouldn't have regifted? ("no, I bought this vibrator for you.")
11. Do you ever run the faucet after you use the bathroom to give other the impression you washed your hands, even though you didn't?
12. Ever stare at the genitals of a coworker who has no idea how exposed they are? (camel toe or package buldge.)
13. Have you ever showed up at working knowing full and well that not only didn't shower last night but you're wearing the same clothes as well?
14. Ever been caught scratching your privates at work?
15. Ever gone to work drunk or stoned?
16. ever been caught "accidentally" looking at porn at work? (it appears on someone's blog or something.)

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Frigg'n Tired

I'm just going to embarrass myself for a moment, if you don't mind. I am not a morning person. Where others simply groan about it I let out more of a gurgling hiss. I come in at about 9 am, but don't' wake up until 11 am. Often, my cognitive reasoning and intellectual repartee' fall to the way side to the appearance of someone who's been on an all night drinking bender. This morning when I got to work I started up my computer as, and went on to my automated acts of signing in, stamping my parking pass, putting away my lunch and so on. When I came back to my desk and sat down there was a post-it note on my computer screen. I really didn't want to read it so I reached for my mouse and tried to click it off. I didn't just try and click it off once, but multiple times. Staring at this piece of paper stuck to my screen I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't click off and why Windows would use such an odd pop-up. Is was only after a few minutes of squinting at the post-it did I realize that it wasn't part of the computer.

I will go back to my gurgling and hissing now.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Blog Neglect

I realized that the reason I've been so lax in updating my blog is that I spend so much time reading and commenting on other blogs. Here's a list of the one's that are guilty of distracting me.

• http://thehotlibrarian.blogspot.com/
• http://ewlala.blogspot.com/
• http://clucarelli.blogspot.com/
• http://philophobik.blogspot.com/
• http://privatevivification.blogspot.com/
• http://blacksparkle.blogspot.com/
• http://netlag.blogspot.com/
• http://anonymousmidwestgirl.blogspot.com/
• http://kathysaffair.blogspot.com/
• http://gagelab.blogspot.com/
  

This is just a short list, there are also the ones that i read strictly at home. I thought i wasn't writing much, it turns out that I write one hell of a lot! Just not on my own blog.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Meeting Mom and Dad, a self help article

“Dinner with your folks? That sounds great… What? What do you mean I’m sweating? It’s just hot, that’s all… What do you mean it’s only 70 degrees in here?”

Ah yes, meeting your girlfriend’s parents for dinner, no matter how you look at this meal, it’s going to be awkward. There is a most definite chance you’re going to catch “foot-in-mouth” disease and you’re most likely going to reassure Dad’s dislike and Mom’s distrust. But don’t panic, there is a way to navigate this most perilous feasts, and I’m here to help you out. I’m going to walk you though this potentially disastrous dinner and with any luck you might just curry some favor with the “rents.”

The Introduction- Ever hear the phrase “you only get one chance to make a first impression?” It’s true, and it’s a lasting one too. Here is where many would be suitors go wrong so keep these tips in mind when meeting Mom and Dad.

1. Know their names. There is nothing worse than forgetting their names, even if you call them Mr. and Mrs. Make sure you know their first names incase you need address them directly.

2. Use a clear voice, when you say hello don’t whimper and don’t yell. Be direct and be clear.

3. Be confident but not cocky, show them that you deserve to date their daughter and that you appreciate her as well.

4. The handshake. Dad will most likely shake you’re hand when you first meet him. Greet his squeeze with equal pressure, but do not try and out squeeze him. He’s the man of the house; respect that. When Mom shakes your hand watch the motion of her hand if it is knuckles up cradle her fingers in your hand and tip your head toward it. If she holds her hand vertically give it a gentle firm shake, and don’t crush her.

The Conversation- This is one of the moments you’ve been dreading, what to do what to say. There’s no step-by-step recipe for the perfect conversation, your best bet is to just let it flow. Just remember these common conversational rules to keep your self from getting in over your head.

1. Compliment the home, all moms take pride in their homes and this is the perfect means of giving an indirect complimenting.

2. Thank Mom and Dad for having you over for dinner, this will show appreciation and manners.

3. Avoid talking about religion, politics, and sex. There is no way any of these conversations can end well.

4. Leave the innuendos out. Logically, if you’re having sex with anyone, you’re having it with their daughter.

5. Good topics are school, work, and cars. This can give you an opportunity to show that you’re future minded and responsible.

6. Talk about your parents in a positive light. Mom and Dad will be very impressed with the view you have of your parents and will draw a direct correlation.

Dinner- Remember all those manners your parents attempted to drill into your head? Yeah, you need them now. Before you start worrying which side of the plate the salad fork is on you only need to remember these main rules.

1. Say that the food looks great, even if it’s just hotdogs. Score extra points with Mom by subtly mentioning that your mom “doesn’t cook this good.”

2. Don’t talk with your mouth full, the irony of a dinner meeting is your going to get questioned while you’re eating. Take small bites so when you’re asked something you can swallow and answer.

3. No shoveling! It doesn’t matter how hungry you are or where you grew up eat slowly.

4. Keep your elbows off the table, your napkin on your lap, and the food off your face. Here’s a tip, if you keep wiping your mouth with your napkin you’ll have your arms off the table, face clean, and napkin in place.

5. After the meal mention the good quality of the meal, thank them for the meal, and offer to clean up. This won’t leave you washing dishes, just carrying them to the kitchen sink.

After Dinner- The preliminaries are out of the way and you’re in the main stretch, the bases are loaded and a field goal is within your grasp. But if a string of mixed metaphors isn’t giving you the confidence you need, keep these night ending tips in mind.

1. If you’re thinking there may be a conversational trap laid out for you steer the discussion in another direction.

2. Use your strengths, rely on your humor and wit, don’t try and be something you’re not.

3. When you’re sitting with your girlfriend limit your PDA (Public Displays of Affection) around Mom and Dad. Hand holding and light kissing is ok, just don’t make out and don’t rest your hands on her lap.

4. During your “goodbyes” or the evening make sure you thank Mom and Dad for the hospitality.

5. If you’re offered a drink politely refuse it, make mention that you want a clear head when you drive and this will show that you are a responsible person.

Red Alert- Sometimes no matter the effort you put in sometimes Mom and Dad try and get your goat. If you are faced with said goat nabbing try and keep your cool.

1. Don’t trade insults, if insults are coming your way deflect them, don’t act hurt and don’t try and insult back. Show that you’re above it, this will impress your girlfriend

2. “I use’ta castrate bulls and still remember how.” If Dad uses some lame threat statement like this to intimidate you fire back a question on the topic or an interesting fact. Dad is expecting you to show fear; he’s not expecting a different response.

3. Don’t take sides in any arguments between Mom, Dad, and/or your girlfriend. If you are caught in the middle you can agree with your girlfriend but don’t forget it’s a family thing.

4. If for some reason Mom and Dad are trying to embarrass your girlfriend make it very clear that you don’t think less of her. You can either bring up comparably embarrassing information about yourself or just say that she’s wonderful despite the anecdote.

With all the tips and tricks you’re going to have boiling around in your head remember why it is you’re there. Remember that you’re crazy about the girl sitting next you and that you’re not dating her parents, you’re dating her. She’s going to appreciate how hard you’re trying and it’s going to reflect positively on you. Though all of this don’t feel like you’re alone, after all, if it starts going badly your girlfriend will be far more embarrassed. Of course, if that sort of thing gives you comfort well…


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Recommended Viewing

Here is a list of movies that I personally feel everyone should watch (possibly again.) They're in a semi-particular order.

1. Fight Club- excellent, possibly greatest movie ever. it also has brad Pitt in case the ladies need some eye candy
2. South Park: bigger longer and uncut- political commentary, morals, and toe tapp'n songs. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll need to wash your undies.
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas- awwww... Warm squishy feelings about Christmas, Halloween, and oogie boogie.
4. Clerks- if you've ever worked retail this movie will resonate in you like tuning fork
5. Office Space- "have you seen my stapler?"
6. The Game- Michael Douglas is through playing games.
7. Falling Down- "I going home!"
8. Dead Alive- RAT MONKEY! This is the best cheesy horror movie to watch drunk
9. Killer Klowns From Outer Space- another cheese horror movie that made me want cotton candy
10. Shawshank Redemption- damn good movie, one of the greats.
11. The Big Lebowski- "The Dude abides" this movie is excellent, funny and mysterious. Jeff Bridges rocks as The Dude.
12. Fallen- "time is on my side, oh yes it is." Denzel Washington is a detective trying to catch a killer who is more illusive that Bin Laden.
13. Seven- another Brad Pitt movie, this time with Morgan Freeman. There are Seven sins and something in a box.
14. Cabin Fever- cheese horror again, be really, really, drunk for this one.
15. Cannibal, the musical- Matt Stone and Trey Parker (of South Park fame) made this movie a while back, this movie is the best musical about eating other humans ever!
16. So I Married An Axe Murderer- the romantic comedy is not dead, yet. Mike Myers pre Austin Powers.
17. Dude Where's My Car?- "is it possible that we were so drunk last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding?" "I'd say it's totally possible." if you think low brow humor is beneath you they for you I have pity.
18. Life Is Beautiful- very rarely do I suggest Dramas, even rarer (yes, rarer) do I suggest foreign films. This movie is awesome in it's ability to move you.
19. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas- if you haven't been on acid trip or a drug bender lately here's for fix. Johnny Depp plays a journalist who plays a walking pharmacy.
20. Kentucky Fried Movie- It could be filed as WTF, all I have to say is this movie has left me without an expletive for it.
21. Finding Neverland- Johnny Depp plays the playwrite who wrote Peter Pan. It's a real tear jerker.

Ok my minions I have given you your commands, go, watch, and learn. Load up your Netflix queue and enjoy. Dance my puppets, dance!



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

No News Is New News

“A quagmire of stale ‘current’ events, prepackaged for you convenience, story at eleven.” It seems that lately the more you pay attention the news the less you need to; the news has become old.

It is as if the media is running short of news worthy events, one gets the impression that the well has run dry and we are left to mull over our rations of information. The simulating and thought inspiring articles of the past have given way to gossip that now masquerades as news. The issues that will impact the very future of mankind have taken a distant second to the repetition of the “whether Brad cheated on Jennifer.” While infidelities of the rich and famous may be of consequence to some, the story it’s self becomes worn and tired.

Even those events that deserve news coverage become stale. During the Asian Tsunami crisis, for example, the story that was so over reported that as soon as the final “death toll” was announced the story began to peter out. Even when the story needed new life breathed into the issues concerning victims and survivors information was revisited to an obscene degree and soon lost impact.

Every story, regardless of how interesting, soon becomes white noise as it is reported to death. This holds true with the tsunami as well, in this scenario the impact of the tragedy is softened though repetition, dulling our senses. In the world of psychology this would be viewed as a coping mechanism, a means of acceptance though constant exposure of a difficult issue. But in reality is has caused a wide scale desensitization. Watching hundreds of bloated bodies wash up on distant shores may motivate you to donate to the victims of this tragedy. Unfortunately, after hearing about the disaster day after day the feelings of humanitarianism turn to feelings of obligation, a feeling of obligation; a feeling that is quickly dismissed.

A possible solution to this increase of moral apathy would be to gain a wider scope of news coverage. This in turn would give more poignancy to issues that deserve the coverage and attention. This break in the nightly repetition would retain the interest of the average viewer by putting emphasis on paying attention to a story in order to get the full story. Persuade the audience to pay attention and learn about the whole story, educate instead of just informing. The spoon-feeding of information to the masses is a waste of time, mainly because information that is too readily available is quickly forgotten.

Perhaps the reason for this tendency to overexpose the news is to dilute the troubles of the world. After watching an hour’s worth of news the audience may contentment in knowing the worries of the world are so limited. They may even be content with their allotment of filler stories sprinkled with the “reports of a disconcerting nature.” This follows the belief that the audience it’s self, has become accustom to its reality served up in one-hour installments on deserted islands.

The truth of the matter is that we are the audience that the media placates; we are those whose news is filtered, strained, and pasteurized for our consumption. But this tactic of watering down of news will not sit well with this audience for long, because people will only watch you beat a dead horse for so long.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

To Jooles

For our blogs she has the utmost appreciation,
even though everyone else left of vacation.
She leaves us anonymous comments and often they go:
"you're a blank, no I know!"
From the great white north where few roads are paved,
in a small cubicle, our dear Jooles is enslaved.
She looks to the internet to escape from her work,
reading our writing with a smile and a smirk.
So I have left this entry on our friend Jooles,
a girl who comments anonymously and thinks we are fools.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com