Greeting From The Edge Of The Earth

Hello all you little minions, sorry i've fallen off the face of the earth, things have been a little complicated lately so blogging had to fall by the wayside.

(i'm not a fan of complication)

so here’s a little wrap-up of what you’ve been miss’n while you’ve been miss’n me

· I recently had a medical scare that could have been the end of dear old Exile. While I don’t want to go into gratuitous details on the subject (and for me to not over share you know it must be bad,) all I can say is that I wasn’t going to be continuing on with anything. I was panic stricken, if I tried to just relax and not think about it my mind would run a million miles an hour and my heart felt like it was going to rupture. It went on for days with this anxiety and severe depression until the test results were in from the doctor. Luckily my test results came back clean as a whistle so I’ll be around for a little while longer (if you’re lucky).

· This whole “near life experience” realigned my perception a bit and has lead me to think that I need to change a few things about how I live and where I’m going. NO, this doesn’t mean I’ve turned religious, far from it. But it’s given me a new appreciation for where I am in life and it’s reminded me that there might still be time. “time for what,” you ask? Time left to actually find someone, and that for this hopeless romantic it’s only “mostly hopeless.” The funny thing about it is that getting the good news from the Doctor was like being visited by the ghosts of past, present, and future all in the span of a week… I felt like leaning out my bedroom window, flipping a gold coin to a boy on the street and telling him to “fetch me a goose, the biggest goose in all of London!”

· There have been a few new games that have come out for the PS3, all of which have trophies, so naturally, I’ve been spending my nights playing instead of typing. (Funny how that works.) the two I’m hooked on are Burnout Paradise (a game where you tear ass around the city of Paradise racing other drivers both on and off line) and Penny Arcade’s On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness (episode 1.) The Penny Arcade game is kind of like playing one of their comics, humor and all. Of course, they both take up a lot of time trying to level up and earn everything you can in the game, so playing for fifteen minutes often turns into a couple hours easy.

· I hurt myself bowling last week, and have been walking around with a bum hip resulting in a little limp… a walking limp! The other thing isn’t little or limp! (I don’t care who you’ve been talking too…)

· I’ve been trying to get myself geared up for dating again, being cheated on by the last two girlfriends in a row has put a hamper on my motivation. But the little boost I mentioned in the second blurb up there is encouraging me to keep going.

· Saturday was my cousin’s Halloween party, she does a huge blowout every year and this year was no exception. I spent all of last week (that I didn’t spend worrying) shopping for supplies and buying stuff on discount (I’m still awesome.) I decorated the bathroom this year, as I do every year, and it came out really awesome. Anyone say, blood bath?


that's right, those skulls are fucking crying blood!
(did i mention awsome?)

· I’m still running fliers at night, but it’s far and few between, but seeing as through the Doc fixed my bowling injury with a tug of the leg I still justify the work. (now if I could only get something else tugged.)

· I’m working with my Mom (who’s also a Realtor) to work out a way to reduce my monthly mortgage payment. From what I can tell, if you’ve always been good about making your payments and you tell them there are extenuating circumstances (like increased to association dues,) they will reduce your monthly payment so you don’t go into foreclosure.

· Still no roommate, I’ve scrapped a little bit of cash together to make it through the holidays (gifts, snowboarding, food…) but I’m still hurt’n. One thing I’ve got going for me is that because I don’t have a girlfriend this time around I don’t have to spend that much on gifts this year (or plane tickets!). still, it would be nice to stuff someone’s stocking…

· Yes, the HNT contest will be posted soon, something I wasn’t expecting is I have like four or five people who won (all with the same percentage). So I’ll be sending out e-mails to see what they want to see… expect a lot of sack, hehehe.


Ok little minions, I think that’s all I have for you, once again, I do regret the lack of blogging, but with the next two months looking the way they do I should be a more consistent on my blogging, granted, it will probably all be via cell phone…



Exile

How To Have A Garage Sale

So, my family had a garage sale last week, the sale went well. everyone made a little extra beer money and if it weren't for the fact that we spend a lot on beer i'd say everyone made some coin.

but when it comes to garage sales with us, well, somehow, someone, always winds up holding the bag. or should i say the box...

allow me to take you through the process on my side of things.

Step 1. the family starts talking about having a garage sale, and everyone comes up with grandiose plans

Step 2. about three months later someone remembers talking about a garage sale and the plans all get drudged up again.

Step 3. everyone remembers than Exile has a garage that he can't rent out and begin filling his garage crap.

Step 4. the crap in exile's garage begins to gather dust, the "out of sight, out of mind" mantra begins to haunt him.

Step 5. Even more crap accumulates

Step 6. Exile finally finds someone to rent his garage and is forced to move all the crap into his brother's garage. finally, someone else cares that the garage sale hasn't happened.

Step 7. Grandma hears about the garage, Exile is now picking up stuff on a weekly basis.

Step 8. Ads are placed, signs are made, stuff is amassed in Exile's cousin's garage for the sale (amassing is done by Exile).

Step 9. Day of the garage sale, and it turns out that everyone has been collecting stuff from all their friends. that would be Crap to the power of Crap...

(this picture is from the second day, we emptied the yard on Saturday and refilled it on Sunday!)

Step 10. After a two say sell-a-thon there was still a load of Crap left... guess where it went.


Step 11. Exile drives around with a truck load of crap for a week. (at this point i would like to point out that none of the crap in my truck was mine, but all the stuff that people kept dumping on me.)

Step 12. Exile drives about an hour or so to Perris (if you think Elsinore is bad, try Perris) to a Salvation Army Donation center that isn't picky.



hmmmmm.... i think this is the only Twelve Step Program that has actually driven me to drink.

in case you're wondering what has happened to the Ol' Trash Truck, with all the work she did over the past few weeks, i rewarded her with a bath


Side Note: when you go three years without washing your truck you have to wash it at least five times to get all the grim and dirt off.



Exile

Haiku Fridays

the start of the year
I weighed one eighty five plus
but today I don't

from the March Break Up
I weighed One seventy five
(I had stopped eating.)

weighed myself today
I am at one sixty three
(broke up with Sprink last month)

I seem to lose weight
every time I lose a chick
like taking a big...

Exile

HNA- Half Nekk'ed Angel *And The Last Night Of The Contest

Seeing as though the hills by my house are on fire, again, and i passed out flyers while it was snowing ash, i'm not up to snap anything too fancy tonight.

So instead i will share my last family outing to the Angles' game.


for those of you who don't know, the Anaheim Angles are a team Disney bought in order to cover up for the mistake of buying the Mighty Ducks (quack). Well, my Dad happens to be a huge fan of the boys in red, well, red and white, so he i usually heading up there for a game. (he went to the world series when the Angels played in it)

My dad has always seemed to have luck with getting tickets. When he had his construction business he did work on a bunch of the Angles' homes in the area (he did the landscaping on million dollar homes.) so these guys were always giving my dad stuff, signed baseballs, jerseys, and tickets. Brian Harvey was probably the most generous of the guys, usually hooking my dad up with either seats behind the dug out, or posters with the team's autographs.

now that my dad is working out here (yes, even with chemo he's still working, the show off) he's still getting choice seats from his boss (another huge fan.)

last week my dad called me to take me out to the ball game (i asked for peanuts and cracker jacks), and i figured what the heck.

we arrived at the game and he was all happy like a kid who just got out of class on Friday without homework, and when we found the seats i could see why.



yeah, that white line in the grass, that's the first base line. it was like watching really ultra hi-def television (except the only thing on was baseball.)

now, admittedly i'm not much of a baseball fan. usually i'll ask my dad questions at nausea, but he likes that i put in the effort.

we only took a small group, but look how happy my dad was to have us all at the game.

in order Left to right:
My Dad (he was smiling really big in the first picture, but i thought this one was better.)
My Mom (drunk)
A Drunk guy that was hitting on my mom's cousin
My Mom's cousin (also drunk

it was fun, but my favorite part of the night was me drinking the whole time for free!

i pulled it off using the pattened Exile Flirt & Fall (yes, i have a patten.)
what i did was i went to the beer bar thing and ordered beers for the family (i'm such a giver.) while there i flirted with the older, overweight, black girl behind the counter (she loved it.) they told me i could only take so many beers at a time so i playfully pouted and took my beers. upon my return i splashed a bit of beer on myself (why don't they put lids on these things) and so i went back to the counter to order one for my self. while there i told them i dumped my beer and i was very sadding. they said just bring back the empty cup and they'll refill it. so i went, grabbed a random cup, brought it to the bar and they gave me a brand new beer (that i never paid for) in a brand new cup (instead of the one i found on the floor.)

stolen beer tastes better.

after that beer and numerous others (my mom and her cousin kept buying me beer) i was pretty toasted. so by the fifth inning i whipped out the camera phone, unfurled my monkey and snapped my HNT pic


yes, that is an official rally monkey... with a tail wang.

after the churro, the rest of the night was a blur. i know i tried to talk some kid into giving me his popcorn, then i passed out in the car on the way home.

Btw, i think the Angles lost, but at least they all had fun... oh, and made shit loads of money for sucking. hehehe




Exile's Sex Contest

Ok, tonight is the final night of the HNT Contest. in light of that i am reposting the contest (because some of you are too lazy to click a link) for you to have one more shot at guessing (although, you're allowed to guess as many times as you'd like.)



Here's How it works: I'm going to list out a bunch of Facts about yours truly. weaved in are Five out right lies. all you have to do to win is guess all five lies (or more than anyone else) and leave your answers in the comments along with an HNT theme.

Hint~ there are no "trick truths," for example if i say I masturbate every day, I'm not going to say "it's not true because i don't do it every single day." it's true enough.


Exile's Sex Contest

1. Once while getting a blow job i "twinged" and headbutted a shelf nearly giving myself a concussion.
2. I went to a BDSM club once, and flogged a girl that was tied to a rack.
3. I've graced the pages of the Other HNT
4. I'm a member of the Mile High Club
5. moments after having sex with a girl she called her boyfriend to reconfirm their trip to San Francisco that he was paying for.
6. during a heavy make out session a booger made its way out of my nose and, well you get the picture...
7. I gave a girl a black eye during sex
8. the first girl i had sex with was a "friends with benefits" situation that i broke off when she started falling for me.
9. I've had sex with a pregnant chick
10. after a night of sex i was sleeping with a girl that kept farting, so i took her pillow and stuffed it against her butt.
11. I've participated in a threesome
12. while going down on a girlfriend she farted. i coughed.
13. i was getting head while watching a trivia show and exactly the wrong moment i answered one of the questions
14. I've had sex at work
15. while going down on a girlfriend her cat jumped up on the bed and sniffed my naked ass.
16. I've had sex in my parents Jacuzzi in the middle of the day while they were home
17. i used to sleep with an ugly chick in exchange for rent
18. I've never had sex with someone else while in a relationship
19. i have never told a girl i loved her just to have sex with her
20. a girl told me she would never sex with me again because my wang was too big
21. pigtails are huge turn off for me
22. i only go down on girls that i love
23. i rearended a car while fingering a girl in my passenger seat
24. I've had sex with twenty five different women
25. i don't really like strip clubs

Seeing as though this is the last night i have to remind you that cheating is totally encouraged. "how do i cheat" you ask? well first off, don't ask to cheat, that's just silly. just go back through the answers everyone else has given, while i say who got what right, i do say what precent they did...

good luck little monkeys!



Exile

Haiku Fridays

more layoffs today
have no idea if they're done
Five hours to go...

My last three ex's,
all of them cheated on me
(Don't like this pattern)

Impromptu party
a burger night at my place
games, booze, I'll be drunk!

exile

HNC- Half Nekk'ed Clothes

holy crap, it's Thursday!

damn, i completely forgot.
so, while i am just throwing together a quicky HNT (which has no Nekk'ed to it), i figure i should also extend the HNT contest one more week.

it's the least i can do for all you happy peppy people.


this HNT i chose to show off my new "go'n out duds."

here's my regular gear:


and here's me after a nearly $200 shopping spree to get back into the dating world again:

new shoes
new pants
new shirt

same exile


OK, kids, like i said before, i'm extending the deadline for my HNT contest one more week. IF YOU'VE ALREADY VOTED GO BACK AND VOTE AGAIN, and feel free to look at everyone else's answers to help you cheat.(it's only cheating if you get caught!)

Click Here to go to the contest post.



Exile

Yeah, I've Done That A Million Times

have you ever told someone about something you've done a whole bunch of
times and used the phrase "I've done that a millions time"?

we usually blurt out this little numerical colloquialism without batting an
eye. but lately I've been thinking that a million is a pretty big number.
I've seen a million dollars before (through three feet of bulletproof
glass), but that doesn't even give you a real idea of the grand size of a
million really is. (they used $1,000 bills or something).

so how is it we can boast (or complain) that we've done ______ a million
times?

this has lead to a great deal of pondering on my part. the question I'm
faced with is "what CONSCIOUS activity have I done a million times?"

now, first and for most, not that I put the word conscious is in caps. I did
this because you can't count an involuntary action in this. so no saying "my
heart has beaten a million times," or "I've taken a million breaths."

I'm sure right off that bat you're already thinking "well, I've eaten a
million times, this was way easy, Exile, you sir, suck." to that I say not
so fast. using me as a model, take a look at the numbers:
there are 365.25 days in a year, I am 28 years old, so I've only racked up
10,227 days of being alive (we'll assume it's my B-day, which it's not).
now, if you take 1,000,000 and divide it by 10,227 that means I would need
to find an activity I've done at least 98 times a day. (that number goes up
even higher when you realize a few of those years were baby years... and I
was pretty lazy kid too.)

I even pulled in some help with this one, I asked a friend at work and we
couldn't even come up with a solution to this one. hell, even my flyer job,
where I was passing out 4,000 flyers a month would have required twenty
years of work to finally reach a million, and I just don't have that much
dedication...

so, my finally conclusion to this mental endeavor is that there is nothing
that I (or anyone else) have done a million times... unless we count
"touching our selves," but we're shooting for a million, not a billion.

exile

This Commercial Has Been Giving Me The Creeps For Weeks

Exile