Haiku Friday

Been a long month
The good came in Florida
B-day with Hella.

but I've had bad luck:
a fish died cleaning the tank
Herb shit on my couch...

yelled at by Boss Man
eviction of garage guy
it could be worse...



(if clicking play didn't work, click it again)




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

You Can Always Count On Your Friends To Take A Shit On You

I have a small collection of friends. it's a small group because i only keep people as friends if they are trust worthy. The Jeff, Jenna, Elena, Amber, and Herb (if you don't know Herb's story click here. (in case you're wondering, Hella is definitely in the trust worthy category, but her girlfriend status trumps the friend status.)

So tonight i decided to unwind on my couch, it had been a long day and i felt like watch'n some TV. needless to say Herb eventually joined me watch'n cause he does that, and so did Amber.

We were all chill'n, Herb did his usual thing of knocking everything off the coffee table and Amber did her thing of hiding from Herb. (She likes him, she just doesn't like him touching her.)

Amber enjoys watching these reality surgery shows where they take take physically revolting people and show gut wrenching close ups of their surgery. well, unbeknown to Amber and myself the surgery is pretty gut wrenching to snakes as well...

Yeah, a surge and a gurgle and Herb Shit On The Couch! For those of you uneducated about snake shit let me let you in on a few fun facts.

• Snakes make a mookey stink only once a month. so if you've ever followed your dad after he's used the bathroom, realize he goes every other day. Herb stores it up for a month.
• Snakes have what is called a Cloaca. A cloaca is a what birds, fish, and reptiles have to expel waste. What this means is that when a cloaca owner goes to the bathroom this multipurpose anus/urethra/birth canal/penis thing opens up and the animal excretes feces and urine at the same time.
• Snakes have a linear digestive system. This makes it so when they go poop they really go, and seeing as though he's mainly made of muscle, he didn't just defecate, but expelled his bowels.

Snake shit stinks. his tank is full of kitty litter just to make sure that the smell is contained... the couch is a giant sponge... so the cushion is destroyed, and so is the blanket that took one for the team. (and my t-shirt...)

and of course, once the situation was cleaned up, Amber began to laugh so hard i nearly lost another cushion.

I've had Herb nearly 10 years now, not once has he done anything like this. Never has he given me cause to question my trust in him... until now

Thanks Herb...

(seeing as thought it is HNT today i thought i'd show off a classic Herb HNT, and check out the hot chicky chick in the background)

now before, you get all uppity, i 'm not dwelling on this to make Herb feel ashamed. but if you come over to my house and SHIT ON MY COUCH i will do a post about you too.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Obey

I Saw this on Protagonists Flickr page and just had to show it off.
(This is the same guy who's photo's adorn the walls of my condo)

Exile

Zero To Fucked Up In Under Thirty Minites

How the fuck does a day get this fucked this quick?

Today was a zero kind of day, nothing good (naturally) but nothing too bad either. i wrapped up my day's work half an hour early (it's 3:00 pm) and decided that i would talk to the office admin about the vision and dental plan (take care of my peepers and chompers in one blow, right?)

as I'm talking to the office admin my head is spinning with all the info she's giving me about the plan (way TMI for a guy just finishing a long shift). at that point my boss (Boss Man) come out of his office.

Boss Man- I just got a call from Elsa, she won't be coming in tonight
Exile- Is she OK?
Boss Man- she was at the dentist and her tooth was impacted so they had to do surgery to get it out.
Exile- yeesh, is she ok?
Boss Man- I'll need you to come in at four tomorrow (that's 4 a.m.)
Exile- (not thinking) Jeeze, i don't think i can do that
Boss Man- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COME IN! (this is him yelling)
Exile- What? (i thought i just thought that last part) No that's not what i mean
Boss Man- EVERYONE ELSE COVERED FOR YOU WHEN YOU WERE OUT, NOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COVER WHEN WE NEED YOU?
Exile- That came out wrong, I'll come in. I'm just used to being asked to stay late.
Boss Man- Well that doesn't help in this situation
Exile- (sheepishly) I know...
Boss Man- YOU NEED TO LOSE THIS ATTITUDE
Exile- Boss Man, i didn't mean that to come out that way (or at all for that matter).
Boss Man- Well how else am i supposed to take that? (at this point he storms out of the office)

I try and wrap up my dental thing even though I'm way to flustered to keep track of what the admin told me about the dental plan.

I figured this wasn't something that i should let sit so i tried to track down Boss Man so i could smooth things over. i caught up to him back in the Quality Lab.

Exile- Boss Man, glad i caught you, i just wanted to say again that i didn't mean for what i said to come out that way.
Boss Man- well i just don't how else i was going to take that
Exile- (this was just me stammering trying to explain my self again, poorly)
Boss Man- (to 2nd Shift QA tech) you can stay late tonight, right?
2nd Shift QA Tech- (he just nodded... smart guy)
Boss Man- and Exile do you think you can come in at 4:30?
Exile- I will be here at 4:00
Boss Man- even though you said you wouldn't?
Exile- honestly, i didn't even think i said it.... (for the record, didn't say i wouldn't, i just didn't think i could)
Co-worker- (interrupting) I've never done that, I'll say things i shouldn't purpose, but never just blurting them out (she laughs about it)
Boss Man- Me neither, i usually try and say what i shouldn't (he's now joking about it)
Exile- (swallowing pride) yeah, i guess my brain just shut off and i wasn't thinking.
Co-worker- so everything settled then (why is this chick butting in now? not helping...)
Boss Man- I guess Exile is coming in now, even though i had to bring him in kicking and screaming
Exile- (i quickly remind my self that i can't get angry and just swallow some more pride) I was a misunderstanding, but I'll be here at 4:00 am

*sigh* at this point it's now 3:30pm and I'm off.

Oh, and the kicker is that when i get to the Chiropractors all i can think is that "man, a massage will make me feel a little better about this shit." Yeah, so while laying on the table with the electrodes on my back the Chiropractor takes this heat pad out of this hot water thing (imagine the thing that Hot Dog vendors cook their wieners in) and wraps it in a towel for my back. So why, is it when she leans over me a stream of hot water pours out of the pad and right into to my ear!!!! Now this very warm water didn't just splash on my ear, it poured straight down my ear canal. I'm squirming, and begging her to take the heat pad off while she's trying to stick a towel in my ear. finally i sit up and whip my head to the right as hard as i can to get water out (my shirt was quite wet).

while shaking the water free of my head the chiropractor is reprimanding me for whipping my head like that. She said it's bad for the vertebrae i said water in my ear was bad for my brain.


so what is the final out come of this story?

• Well, after getting home at 6:00pm, i have to wake up at 3:00am tomorrow and work until 3:00pm.
• If i can't fall asleep by 10:00pm i may be forced to stay up through the duration
• I will be so exhausted tomorrow that i will not be able to function with out help... So after nearly 4 months of being caffeine i am going to have to prop my self up with a can of Monster.
• regardless of what i meant to say or not, Boss Man now has a severe distrust for me (this will come back to bite me in the ass later.)

Anyone wanna give me a 3:00 am wake up call?

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Lending A Hand

Hey Kids!

I decided to help educate the masses once again with ever saucy Shay

We teamed up to answer another of her reader's questions.

Click here to visit her blog (NSFW)

Click here to go directly to the post (STILL NSFW)

Scroll down if you wanna see it "safe for work" style, cut and pasted from the best (i can't believe my blog is safe for anything)



Reader Question - Is Masturbation Sex? 2 Answers
"My friend and I have been fighting recently over our opinions. He was taught that there were 3 types of sex (Anal, Oral and Intercourse.) while I was taught there are 4 (anal, oral, intercourse and masturbation. My question is: Is masturbation a sex, even if it is done alone?"

Exile and I decided to team up once again to answer this question in our own ways (without looking at each other's answers or anything - we're so good ^_~).

Exile said:
"You two have been fighting over this? Don’t you know the saying “don’t be hate’n, be masturbate’n”?

It sounds like you and your friend have quite the complicated conundrum before you, after all you’re try trying to give definition to one of the grayest areas of sexuality. (It sure befuddled Bill Clinton…)

To answer this you have to lay out a definition of sex. Is sex an act of the aforementioned holy trinity (anal, oral, and intercourse) or is it any sexual act performed with a partner?

Let’s face it, if you have the toys and the time you can pull off the act of both anal and/or intercourse without a partner. As for the oral, well, if you’re limber you can pull that off too. Of course, being that these are all being done in a solo fashion, they are all lumped into the category of masturbation, ergo, any of the previously mentioned acts all constitute forms of masturbation.

Masturbation can also be used as a form of foreplay. “putting on a show” for your partner is quite common and often leads to any one of the holy trinity. But keep in mind that while you are only giving your self stimulation you are not having “sex” in the most commonly defined terms. Think of it like phone sex, you may be “getting off with the other person” but they’re not there to lay in the wet spot with you.

But wait, there’s more.
What about mutual masturbation? We know that when Hans Solo is Work’n his own Wookie it’s only his Chewy that get’s all gooey. So what about when you’re doing it for a partner? This is where the definition get’s fuzzy. For example, if you’re by your self you’re masturbating, but if you lend a hand it’s a hand job (or double clicking someone else’s mouse, depending on who we’re talking about). In this case while you are physically masturbating someone else the solo aspect of the act is lost and it is now a sexual act you are performing on someone else.

To make a long story short (too late), the definition of sex is often obscured by our most commonly used colloquialisms. So to answer your question, masturbation (be it by your self or with someone watching) is a sexual act it does not constitute sex. Furthermore, while performing sexual acts on someone else may simulate the actual act of sex, it does not constitute the act of sex it’s self, unless you count hand jobs and the like as sex.

Remember, this all comes down to an argument of semantics, after all, there are some people who don’t count oral as sex (eg: Bill Clinton.). so no more fighting you two, make up and give each other a big hug… just wash your hands first."


My answer is short and sweet - because that's how I am!

Shay says:

It all depends on how you define "sex". It seems to me that your friend is defining it as "sexual intercourse" and you are defining it as "sexual stimulation" and both can be right. Sexual stimulation refers to the genital stimulation (usually with orgasm as the goal) and all four acts (oral, anal, vaginal, and masturbation) do fall into this category. But people usually consider masturbation and sexual intercourse to be mutually exclusive because we tend to think of sex as something two (or more) people do together, rather than something that you (can) do alone. When we talk about sexual intercourse we are usually referring to insertive sexual behavior - like vaginal intercourse, anal sex, and oral sex - where one person's sexual organ(s) are going inside another person's orifice(s).

What do you think? Does masturbation count as sex? Should oral even count? Are Exile and/or I way off?

(click here to leave comments on Shay's post)



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Choked Up

Sorry about the lack of blogging kids, but the fact is that i've been sick as all get out (resperatory infections and such). but now that i'm able breath again (don't ask what breathing has to do with typing...) i thought i'd share a bit of something with you crazy kids.

unlike some guys, i can admit that i get choked up durring movies (see, the choked up ties in with the not breathing thing). now, it's not all movies that have this affect on me, some movies try too hard or drop the ball at the wrong moment.

An example of a movie that always gets me is Life Is Beautiful.

I don't know if it's just the story of a man doing everything he can to win the woman he loves or if it's that the character resonates with me. (If you've never seen this movie you must run out and get it ASAP. but please watch the Italian subtitle version.)

There is one scene from my favorite Television Series that always chokes me up (technically it's from the prequal movie).

The show i speak of is Babylon 5, and the scene i speak of is from the movie "In The Begining" where Emporor Mollari is telling the story of the Earth Membari War where where not just earth, but the entire human race stood on the brink of total anialation.


to get the full effect you have to watch one clip right after the other, so i suggest letting them both load before you watch them.



*sniffle*

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Does This Kind Of Stuff Happen To Anyone But Me?

Ugh...

So, for those of you in the know i decided a while back I decided to rent out my garage. it's going for about $75 a month and it's a pretty decent garage. i mean, inside a gated community, automatic garage door opener, an outlet, and even a light bulb!

OK, it's not the Ritz, but if you're just storing your crap in a garage it does meet all your basic storage needs.



The most recent tenant told me that he was looking for a place to store his stuff while he was staying with a friend. he was eager to pay in advance, and back in January i needed the cash. since he moved his stuff into the unit i really hadn't checked on the garage, i mean why would i? right?

Yeah... So tonight i had a knock on my door from someone representing the homeowners association. he told me that there were reports of a homeless man living in one of the garages in the complex.

Yeah, so there i am, 9:30 at night with my brother and his roommate knocking on my own garage door only to hear a very nervous voice from inside. with clicker in hand i open the garage.

The only thing more overwhelming than the sight of the guy I'm renting my garage to living among towers of boxes was the meth-addict smell that wafted out of the garage.

I only had two things to tell him.
1. i wanted him out of the unit in two hours.
2. i wanted all of his crap out of the garage in two weeks.

he is officially evicted.


now, i'm not heartless. while i did have every right to call the cops on this guy, i figure that if you've decided to live in a garage you have enough problems. but I'm not so altruistic as to allow this guy to break nearly every law and housing code on the books by living in my garage.

The last i saw, he was out there moving his stuff out of the garage, I'll follow up on this tomorrow.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, if the situation comes up i will refund him the two months he's paid in advance even though he's in violation of the lease ($150 dollars isn't worth having someone with nothing to lose lurking around my house.)




And of course, in true Exile style, i had ironically made jokes about him living in there... *shakes head*


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Haiku Friday

Anticipation
the first kiss in way too long
soak up the moment

slide off her clothes
revleaing all her beauty
must drink it all in

My Hella-licious
i will see her tomorrow
way too long to wait

exile

_________________________________________________________________
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http://games.msn.com/en/flexicon/default.htm?icid=flexicon_hmemailtaglineapril07

Attention All

When i opened my e-mail this morning i found an e-mail addressed to my entire department from my boss (aka, Boss Man)


To: Quality Department
Cc: Exile
Subject: Reminder for Next Week

Just a reminder that Exile will be taking another week of vacation
starting this coming Monday. Something about meeting Canada in
Florida or some such nonsense...

Please plan on covering his shift during this time.


Thanks,
Boss Man



(if this is the price i have to pay to see Hella in Florida it's well worth it)




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

I Wanted To Borrow Your Luggage, Not Your Baggage

So, my luggage sucks.

I've had it for 15 years, it's a grey leather bag, basic, simple, durable. (just like me!) Now, usually when i go on vacation, it's usually at driving distance, so wheels on my bag has never been an issues. (i don't have problems managing my sack.)

but lately I've been traveling beyond the confines of just my truck and a hotel. lugging all that weight over my shoulder and through airports and kiosks and shiznit. needless to say, after weeding my way through LAX i have new appreciation for Amber's situation. (My roommate has tig ol' biddies, lots of shoulder and back issues).

Tonight i decided that i needed a bag with wheels this trip, so i took off to my parents to borrow one. they travel a lot and have few rolling deals.

after sorting through the various bags, i finally found one that would meet my needs. when i showed my dad he said "make sure you check it that i didn't leave anything in there."

so i reach in the side pockets.

pocket one, nothing
pocket two, nothing
pocket three, nothing
pocket four, something...

I didn't look in the pocket, i didn't want to look. i felt a razor, a toothbrush, a can of shaving cream, and something else. there was something in the pocket, something in a square foil packet. as my fingers fumbled with the mystery item i could feel the disk like protrusion.

my skin crawled, i didn't want to think about what i was touching, or what it meant.

i dumped the pocket into a grocery bag without looking, attempting to keep the gross through of my parents doing the nasty...

i gave the bag to my dad who immediately went through it to see what i was "freaking out over"

This is what i found...


i forgot that they're old and married... at the same time



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com