HNSU- Half Nekk'ed Shut-Up

Ok, at the ripe old age of twenty-eight i think i might be finally learning something that i should have learned years ago.

the lesson? simple:
Some times i need to learn to shut the fuck up.

yup, i know you're all thinking "um, we could have told you that," and i'm sure you also know the line for such a "tell'n" is quite long. but the truth is i really do need to stop talking.

here just a few examples:


1. as you may recall, i have been collecting used toner cartridges to recycle for credit at the office supply store for my nefarious purposes. i've been doing it for over a year now, and i've gotten quite good at it. the shipping department calls me every time someone leaves one on the dock for recycling. even the janitor fishes them out of the trash for me.

well, yesterday i thought i'd be crafty and ask the office assistant from the other office to save them for me.

She asked why.
i told her because i recycle them.
she asked why i go through the trouble.
i told her i get little coupons.
she asked what they were for.
i said they were for three dollars off at Office Depot (staples got all gay about it.)
she said that sounds great and that she'd run it past the new company owner...

shit. as you can guess, the owner of the company had the "hey, i have an idea" and has now decreed that he wants all the toner from both companies collected so he can get the money for them. yeah, this guy just installed a 40 inch, 1080p LCD flat screen TV in his office because sometimes he gets bored, and he's going to take away my toner cartridges!

*sigh* if i had just said "i'm just saving the planet," i would have two companies worth of toner cartridges, now i have none. oh well, at least the guys on the dock and the janitor haven't heard about this... yet.


2. i started talking to a girl who wanted me to be completely honest with her. i agreed. then she mentioned that she had made a "no sex vow" to herself. now, a rational guy would have evaluated the situation, and just kept their opinion to themselves. instead, i told her how i felt about "no sex vows" and basically blew any chance i had at tricking this girl into sex. (yes, that's where i am right now.)


3. there was this girl at work that i really liked who i knew was very religious. i noticed that she started liking me a bit, and i was quite happy with the results. now, had i just shut the hell up about my religious background i'm sure i could have slithered my way into a relationship with her. now all i'm getting is a bi-weekly bible beating.


So this HNT i'm finally going to do what you've all been hoping for, I'm Shutting The Fuck Up!

(for at least five Min)


Wait a tick! maybe the problem isn't not shutting up, i just need to quit being so damn honest! hmmmm....


HHNT!


Oh, and my little minions, don't forget to keep throwing in your guesses into my HNT contest. you're always welcome to try again and again. plenty of people have thrown their guesses in, but no one has gone over 40% correct. so click and vote! you know you wanna
Exile

Well, We Brand Cows So People Know Who They Belong To...

today they were giving a tour of my company to a representative of one of our customers. this sort of thing happens a lot, usually it's some dumpyl ittle dude or an older chick. but today it was different, the girl taking the tour was a total knock out.

now, being the suave and debonair guy you've all come to know and love, I ogled her for a moment then ran out of the room (what? I needed to refill my water bottle...).

it was pretty apparent throughout the company that all the guys were checking her out, and why wouldn't they? she was a cute little blonde with a low cut pink sweater and a white tank top thingy showing just enough cleavage you make you go "yum."

now, you're probably wondering why I didn't try and hit on this girl. well, I figure that hitting on one of our biggest customers in front of my boss's boss would probably get me fired (and if not, it was still a damn good excuse for being a coward). of course, the wedding ring on her finger was
also a big detour ant.

after she left my lab, I started talking to one of my coworkers about how it was so odd to see someone like that from our customer. the coworker asked why I didn't try asking her out and I mention that she's probably married or engaged. the coworker laughed at the fact that that was the first thing I noticed (which I must correct, it was the second thing I noticed, hehehe).

palpitations aside, this whole even has now sent me on a tangent that I think must be discussed, labeling women. now I know what you're thinking, "women shouldn't' be labeled, they're not objects." to which I say "actually they're nouns, so ppppppttttttthhhhhhhhttt!"

the kind of labeling I'm thinking we need is in regards to a woman's relationship status. look at it like this, when a woman is engaged, there's an engagement ring. when she's married, there's a wedding ring. (and when they're divorced they're a new Jaguar in the driveway.) but what about the other classed women fit into?

I say we need a system to categorize women. For the single women I'm thinking a type of bracelet. a bracelet for Single and looking, Single Not looking, and Fun and sex (no commitment.) this would solve the problem of girls have with guys hitting on them for the wrong thing. hell, if I just want to "throw down" for the night, I'm not going to bother Single Not Looking, nor would I want to trick Single And Looking. the only girls that would probably suffer from this scenario are the ones who are looking to get free drinks and have no interest in the guy (they're bracelet would say "Stuck Up Whore.")

my system would also be expanded to the "girlfriends" out there. I'm a single guy, if I meet a girl and start talking to her, eventually I'm going to ask her out. do you realize how awkward that is when you talk to a girl for an hour and when you finally work up the nerve to ask her out she has a boyfriend? after something like that there is no "let's still be friends" or "lets go hang out anyways" because you already tipped your hand. as for the girl, now that you know the guy wanted to "stick it in you" you refuse to see him as anything else (don't lie, this is how your minds work.) but, let's say instead a "girlfriend" wore a necklace with a simple little ring on it. well this is completely different, guys looking for just a date would probably shy away, and those who want to be friends would feel more comfortable engaging (yes, sometimes guys just want to be friends too!)

I personally think that with every woman's status on display it would remove a lot of the confusion and awkwardness (especially for us geeky guys, cause rejection of any kind and we retreat into our nerd shells.)

as for labeling guys, that's kind of superfluous. after all, most women can size a man up just by watching him walk into a room, and all the single guys will most likely gravitate towards the easy targets. (you know, the stragglers at the back of the herd.)

exile

Back Seat Rider

i'm riding in the back seat of my parents car on my way toThe Jeff's b-day party (which we're an hiur late for).

usually no matter where i'm going i usually drive myself. (i love driving so it works for me). but tonight i decided to save gas.

it's been a long time since i've had to ride in the back seat of their car... after only 15 min, i've decided it will be a long time till i do it again.

(i haven't even started drinking, and i think i'm already getting a hang over.)

exile

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HNC- Half Nekk'ed Contest!

So, this was going to be my HNT post this week.

So I'm walking out on the receiving dock at work and i noticed this phone all covered in cob webs.



it took me a moment to process it, but look at the cost to make a call!

since when did pay phones cost fifty cents? yeesh, i remember when pay phones were only fifteen cents. (i had to use them a lot because my mom used to forget me at school all the time.)

HHNT

am i serious? how lame would i have to be to do a "i can't believe how old i am HNT" post?

Yeesh

OK, so clearly I've run out of ideas, so I'm going to call out to my loyal minions with a little HNT contest.


Here's How it works: I'm going to list out a bunch of Facts about yours truly. weaved in are Five out right lies. all you have to do to win is guess all five lies (or more than anyone else) and leave your answers in the comments along with an HNT theme.

Hint~ there are no "trick truths," for example if i say I masturbate every day, I'm not going to say "it's not true because i don't do it every single day." it's true enough.


Exile's Sex Contest

1. Once while getting a blow job i "twinged" and headbutted a shelf nearly giving myself a concussion.
2. I went to a BDSM club once, and flogged a girl that was tied to a rack.
3. I've graced the pages of the Other HNT
4. I'm a member of the Mile High Club
5. moments after having sex with a girl she called her boyfriend to reconfirm their trip to San Francisco that he was paying for.
6. during a heavy make out session a booger made its way out of my nose and, well you get the picture...
7. I gave a girl a black eye during sex
8. the first girl i had sex with was a "friends with benefits" situation that i broke off when she started falling for me.
9. I've had sex with a pregnant chick
10. after a night of sex i was sleeping with a girl that kept farting, so i took her pillow and stuffed it against her butt.
11. I've participated in a threesome
12. while going down on a girlfriend she farted. i coughed.
13. i was getting head while watching a trivia show and exactly the wrong moment i answered one of the questions
14. I've had sex at work
15. while going down on a girlfriend her cat jumped up on the bed and sniffed my naked ass.
16. I've had sex in my parents Jacuzzi in the middle of the day while they were home
17. i used to sleep with an ugly chick in exchange for rent
18. I've never had sex with someone else while in a relationship
19. i have never told a girl i loved her just to have sex with her
20. a girl told me she would never sex with me again because my wang was too big
21. pigtails are huge turn off for me
22. i only go down on girls that i love
23. i rearended a car while fingering a girl in my passenger seat
24. I've had sex with twenty five different women
25. i don't really like strip clubs


there ya go kids, twenty are true, five are lies.
good luck
have fun
and don't use on unexplained calf pain.

btw, the contest ends OCTOBER 2nd, so if you don't get your guess in by then though noogies.


Exile

Shag?

grandma gave me some stuff for the grage sale... i guess this vacume is finally too old for her

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Haiku Fridays

all week my friend Doug from work has been talking about going into the
men's room and being hit by the colossal stench of a coworkers duce.

he was a ground zero when it was unleashed, this Haiku Friday is dedicated
to him...

evil incarnate
from the bowels of Satan
that shit really stunk

don't know what he ate
a sardine and prune smoothie?
I see paint peeling

stink title is lost
jealousy, thy name is Doug
(he has poo envy)

exile

HNB- Half Nekk'ed Belly

Ok, this pic didn't turn out nearly as good as i wanted (because my camera phone isn't the best at far away stuff) but here's my belly

if you look closely you'll see black marks on my shorts, those are from the tires on the cars i've been putting fliers on... and above the shorts? well, that's my spare tire





HHNT



Exile

Broke And Broken

Lots of extra work is bad, but having some extra money is good.

speaking of good, I finally rented out my garage! yup, it's been vacant
since the incident with the homeless tweeker (who decided to store himself
in there.) I'm renting it for $75 a month with a $75 deposit, the guy who
came by last night is really cool and he had cash in hand and signed
everything without any craziness. then, just to make things more gooder, he
even bought some of my dads old tools that I was storing in the garage. so
with that and the money I made working for my dad this weekend I've got a
good sized deposit going into the bank today.

with the extra money I'm tempted, sooooo tempted, to buy fun stuff instead
of being responsible (like Red Vs Blue, the Blood Gulch Chronicles, The
Complete Series). but alas, I must be responsible because I'm an adult and
being an adult means that you can't do anything fun. (being an adult sucks).
so I decided to break out my "broken" list.

the broken list is a running tab I keep in my mind of all the things I need
to fix as soon as I have the money to do so... needless to say the list has
gotten long.


The Broken List

THE CONDO
-the couch has a tear in the back rest and is missing a cushion
-the blinds in the living room were broken by my ex-roommates booty call (he
was either going out for a smoke or contemplating jumping from the balcony,
neither would surprise me.)
-the AC unit needs to be recharged, also, the dick holes who painted the
complex painted the AC unit too. so the thing is running at 1/3 capacity.
-the front window has detached from the frame, so the lock is the only thing
holding it together.
-the washing machine has a leak somewhere under the drum. it randomly starts
to leak
-from numerous burger nights my carpet has gone Dalmatian on me.
-the toilet seat in my bathroom is all "bumpy" from water damage from the
previous owner/renter


THE TRUCK
-it needs a wash. either I pay someone else to do it, or I need to go buy
new supplies.
-my check engine light has been on for nearly five months. I know it's just
the O2 sensor in the exhaust system, but those little bastards are $90
minimum.
-there is a rip in my fill hose (the hose that goes from the gas cap to the
tank). I won't blow up or anything (I hope) but if I fill all the way up it
leaks gas and I think it's evaporating out of the tank quicker.
-the door won't open all the way. my truck has been making that "old man
truck" noise when I open the door. this weekend the pin fell half way out
and the door wouldn't close. I knocked it back into place and this morning
the door wouldn't open all the way.
-I'm still missing the front license plate off my truck. oddly enough while
I was at the gas station I saw a guy with a corvette and asked him if cops
harassed him for not having a plate, he said no one has ever said a word
about it.
-it just dawned on me that I don't remember the last time I paid my
registration on my truck.
-it need the air filter replaced, fluids filled, and some other stuff that
will probably break on my way to work in the morning
-the ignition switch (the thingy you put your key in) is broken, well after
the key is out I have to fondle my thingy to stop it from chiming.


with all that, we haven't even touched on my debts.
$3000 on the American Express
$4000 on the Chiropractor
$400 on the Best Buy Card (for the PS3)
$1 for Daniel at work (I wanted a bag of Fritos)

oh, damn near forgot about my Mortgage, Association dues, Gas, Water,
Electric, Cable/Internet, Gasoline, Cell Bill, Toll Road, life insurance,
and two automated savings accounts...

welp, there when that "whoo-who" I was feeling over my so-called extra
money. I think I'm going to go clip some coupons now.




exile

Have You Scored Lately?

oh fuck yeah!

I'm sure you all remember me bitching about my bowling scores right?

well i got better

much better



186! omfg, i can't frigg'n believe it. four strikes in a row, five strikes in a game.

my average right now is about 156 or so, but this game was awesome. and while that was my best game of the day, i had rocked the other two games too! i didn't print out those scores because they weren't as awesome as this one. though, i did beat my dad in the other game too, hehehe

but still, 186!


if you're not wearing socks, it's because they were just rocked off!

Exile

Haiku Fridays

A fat Mexican
will lower his vehicle
but can't afford gas

all women hate lies
except when they are lying
(they "justify" it)

summer won't give up,
it was over a hundred!
four weeks till Autumn






Exile