Alcoholics Go To Meetings, I'm A Drunk

Good old drunks. You got to love these boozy, tipsy, life of the party kind of people. Often times, it not even who each drunk is, but rather the things that drunks do. To commemorate them, I give you my list of favorite drunk things (no particular order.)

I like when drunks...

1. Light the filter end of their cigarettes.
2. Loose their place while telling a story or joke.
3. Attempt to hold you still because they are swaying.
4. Try and tell you something important, but can't focus on what they're thinking.
5. Fall down. (They do it in such a flailing manner.)
6. Tell you that you drink to much (hypocritical)
7. Have a total Dunk Savant moment, then forget it. ("... That's the meaning of life... Wait, what was I saying?")
8. Deny they're drunk.
9. Confess their love for you as a friend (or a little more than just a friend).
10. Get lost in a house (the small the house the funnier.)
11. Let loose secrets that they weren't supposed to tell you.
12. (Mainly women,) randomly get naked.
13. Completely loose inhibitions. (prudish become sluts, the well mannered curse like sailors, wall flowers open up...)
14. Just say what ever they're thinking at the moment. ("What I'm trying to say is that a woman's boobies make her more interesting.")
15. Try and fix things.
16. Say things backwards ("I can drink, I haven't been driving.")
17. Are easily impressed by things. ("whoa, you opened my beer with your lighter")

Let's all have a toast, "to the drunks!"

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Am I, Am I Supposed To Follow?

So I'm talking to this guy I work with, just joking around. He's walking in front of me in the hallway. As we walk down the hall way he turns and goes into the bathroom, still talking to me. I, on the other hand, have continued walking down the hall way. As I walk past the door I hear that he's still talking to me, but I have no business in the bathroom.

Was I supposed follow him?

I have a rule about talking to people while expelling waste, I'm against it. But at the same time it's quite rude just to walk away and leave someone talking to themselves.


It was pretty funny walking that far down the hall way and hearing him still carry on his conversation.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Happy Belated Towel Day

I can't believe I forgot to post about towel day, what kind of Frood am I?

Well, according to http://www.towelday.kojv.net/2005-worldwide.html I'm one of the hoopiest Froods!

That's right, among the cavalcade of towel clad hitchhikers my pic is in there with two other guys from work.

If you don't know what Towel Day is I'll give you the 411. Towel day is the day you commemorate Douglas Adams author of THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. Every May 25 you bring your towel around with you to show that you know the answer to the ultimate question. (The answer is 42!)

Sorry, just a quick post, enjoy the nerdy eye candy.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

If Only I Were Blind

One of the most innocent girls I know e-mailed this to me. It's like, her first dirty joke, I had to share it:


A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.

"The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... So shut the hell up."


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Real Quotes From My Family

This should explain something...

Dad- "it doesn't matter what color a woman is on the outside, they're all pink on the inside."

Mom- "I don't cook, but I can make margaritas"

Joe (my brother)- "the thing I love about 18 year olds is that no matter how old I get, they always stay the same age."

Angie (cousin)- "all dogs have fleas... Yeah they do, cause the mother eats her fleas and they go in her stomach and on the babies." (this is not a child, she's in her thirties...)

Steve (cousin's husband)- "sheesh, I piss in a water bottle and rub it on someone one time and you never let it go."

Bryce (cousin's 3yr old kid)- "no, mamma's stupid" (do you reprimand them if they're right?)

Grandma- "what is this chicken shit, that should have been a strike. Mark that as a strike honito" (that's from her while bowling. Yes, she cheats at bowling, but won't admit it.)

Ray (grandma's husband)- "yes dear" (he's very brave, very, very brave.)

Grandpa- "you know mejo, I'm going to show you how the Indian's made a fire. Get the diesel fuel." (this is the same man that duct taped my brother, as a baby, to the front of his motorcycle and took him to the desert. We have pictures.)




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Victoria's Day, Eh?

So all the Canadians have the day off today for Victoria's day. So I guess no one will be blogging, because who blogs on their day off? Well seeing as though Canada is on hiatus I thought I would give the American the 411 on what Victoria Day is all about.


In 1845 Victoria Day was officially established as a holiday to celebrate the queen of Canada's birthday. Now queen Victoria, or, Queen V (to her friends) was indisputably the greatest ruler ever to reign over the kingdom of Canada. In fact, during her rule, her name was so synonymous with Canada that they even began referring to the country's mascot as property of the queen. Common parting phrase would be "may Victoria's beaver be in good health!" and "God save the queen's beaver!"

Queen Victoria brought order to the unruly masses buy instituting a single national church, the GTHL. Using the grace and elegance of hockey she taught an entire nation to "keep your stick on the ice." The snowy masses learned the deep philosophical meaning behind "keep your eye on the puck while guarding your junk."

After Victoria's death in 1901 many Canadians, huddled in their igloos, would breath life into the magic of Victoria's day. Small children, snuggled closely to their hokey sticks, would drift off to sleep learning about 25th of May. They would hear of how every year, on this day, the spirit of Queen Victoria would rise from her grave, and if she sees her shadow there will be 2 more months of winter.

Keep this rich history alive this year by taking time to pay homage to Queen Victoria and sing your Victoria's Day carols with all your heart.



(Any other countries want to take a holiday where I still have to go to work?)


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

A Fitting Quote

"The amount you laugh in your relationships with others is a true measure of the health of your personality." ~Brian Tracy



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Thump-Thump, Thump-Thump

My heart is pounding,
the butterflies are fluttering.
Keying in those 16 digits,
each one turning it all tangible.

21 days
LAX to YYZ

The dates are set,
the tickets are paid for.
Nonrefundable,
not a problem.

one weekend
not enough time.

working, plotting,
scrimping, saving.
So full of yancy excitement,
the anticipation of that kiss.

Consider this a warning,
Exile's coming to Canada.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Random Picture, Random Kittens

It's been a while but i decided to do another entry on http://randompicturerandomstory.blogspot.com/

enjoy


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Ah, creamy

So I walk up to where the coffee machine is to get some water. When I hear this:

"I love vanilla nut cream!"

Everyone stares at me because my dirty mind and I are giggling like crazy.

I guess it some form of coffee too.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

This One Is For The Ladies. But Fellas, Listen Close

So Mitzee turned me on (she does that) to Jezabelle's blog an I must say, it's a damn good read. Good saucy stories, with a dash or humor, baked for 30 min, and served hot. So far the best post I've come across was FINE ART OF A BEAUTIFULLY PERFORMED BLOW.

The funny thing is that the majority of the uninformed masses would read this post and take either of two stances. 1) Getting a guy of with a BJ, who needs instructions for that? Or 2) Yeah I'm good at those, I just lay back let her work till I'm done.

Jezabelle's walk-through, on the other hand, is far more than just "fine an orifice, preferably moist, thrust, repeat." it's all about the mental aspect of the act, wang seduction, as you will. It takes the "oh I'll do this for you" mentality out of the act. Another great aspect to this is it's actually quite educational for the guys. If you read this you can see exactly what it is a woman is looking for not only in what she gives, but what she wants. It's like a sneak peak behind enemy lines.

... That and blow jobs are awesome!

http://catholicschoolgirlconfessions.blogspot.com/2005/05/fine-art-of-beautifully-performed-blow.html





Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Ex And The Magic Rabbit

Last night I went out to a bar to celebrate my boss' last day as my boss. It was pretty sweet. It turns out that my boss is actually quite the player, had so many connections that we got smashed that night and I didn't spend a dime.

While sitting in the patio area my friend Josh was busting out all kinds of magic card tricks. The more I drank the more impressed I was. While watching his mastery of the dark arts I realized I was sitting on a child's drawing. I look behind me and sure enough it's a bunny of some kind. As josh wraps up his last feat of prestidigitation I decide to try my hand at magic. "gentlemen, watch as I pull a rabbit out of my ass" and with rolled up sleeves I reach behind my self and remove the afore mentioned rabbit picture. Yeah... It turns out the more I drink the funnier I think I am.

I got to try out a drink I had never had before, and seeing as though I can't remember the name I might never have it again. They set a glass in front of me, then a shot glass inside the afore mentioned glass. The shot glass is filled with jaegermister then the rest of the glass was filled with red bull. As nasty as these two drinks are apart it tasted like Willy Wonka socked me in the mouth. (I'm not sure it that's a good things or not).

Did you know that $300 bottles of Champaign taste way better than Ralph's brand? I didn't either. We were hanging out with these guys that all owned strip clubs, talk about some smooth mo fo's. I did learn one very valuable lesson, always keep a business card with you. One of these really cool froods was opening up a strip club, according to what he was saying it was going to be one of the biggest to hit the west coast. At that moment my boss interjects: "you're opening another place? You need to hire this kid (he slaps me on the back) he's a wiz at running an office." naturally this guy was impressed with my ringing endorsement, I do my best as a master of all things conversational and talk him into considering me. Unfortunately when he asked for my card I was without and he soon rejoined the party. It figures that a cake walk office job where I could see boobies all day nearly falls into my lap, and I miss it. All I needed were the business cards that I nearly bought, but was too lazy to finish filling out the order form. Luckily he's a regular so I'll be ordering my cards and hitting up my old boss for drink'n nights. "yeah, I'm ready to hit the bar, let me just copy my resume..."

As anyone who knows me knows, I am shitty with directions. Hell, I can get lost going home. Wait, why am I saying can get lost, I did. Here's a bit of advice, if you go out drinking and intend to drive home, don't do it in Newport Beach. First off there is no rhyme nor reason to the signs down there, who the hell designs a 6 way stop? Secondly, cops in Newport have nothing better to do than catch drunks, after all, there's no crime there. Thirdly, pee before you leave the bar when you have to drive drunk around a bunch of suspicious Cops. You could be more obvious when you're drunk driving than rocking back and fourth looking for street signs and trying not to piss yourself.

Needless to say I got home late, really late, and after a drunk shower there's nothing more you want to do than sleep. Yes, a good healthy 3 hours of sleep, then it's off to work! Now on I'm going keep Chaser in the glove box, because if I'm not going keep forgetting about my "no getting drunk on a weeknight" rule I should at least do my best to cushion the after math.

Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

For All My Little Techies

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

The file you need
might be very useful.
But now it is gone

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
File not found.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located butend
less others exist.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.

This site has moved.
We'd tell you where, but then
we'd have to delete you.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Look What I Made For You In Shop

I can't believe I forgot about this!

Remember when mentioned that I was taking an HTML class? Oh... Really? Yeah, i mentioned i bunch of times. It's the reason my blog is completely blue. Nothing?

Meh.

Anyways, here is the Link to my final project in the class. It combines all my projects together. A handy little portfolio, i think.

http://student1www.fullcoll.edu/00744041/index.htm


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

We Remember Him Well

If any of you out live me, I expect to be remembered this way.

Oh Yeah, It Was My Birthday

Yes, yes, it was my birthday this Monday. Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy one, and screw all of you who didn't. (I kid of course, I would only make be hurt if I made a big deal about it and no one said anything.) As my own personal way of saying thanks to all of you who cheered me on as I hit the big 25 I give you a gift, the story of my 21st b-day in Vegas:


On my 21st b-day my family took me to Vegas. We drank then drank some more. We went to a strip club (my brother got poked in the eye by a hard salty nipple, all good.). It was great.

On of the nights we were there I went to a club called the beach. It’s all decked out like a surfer bar with dancing, string bikinis (and guys in trunks, for the ladies). Well, the whole night we’re dancing and having a good time and I hit the state of drunk where I don’t need any more alcohol for the rest of the night. I reached this state because my brother was “buying” me 7&7s all night. Now I say, “buying” because he wasn’t actually using his money, he kept borrowing mine, I guess I was too drunk to keep track. Anyways, as the night goes on, my brother and I are the last ones in our group left at the club. Soon he disappears too. I’m just staggering around, amusing my self, all good. All of a sudden this girl comes up to me and says, “Hey, I heard it’s your birth day, here’s a drink!” I’m drunk as fuck, and totally dig’n on the idea that a girl just bought me a drink. Unfortunately as I drink out of this big cup I don’t realize my face is slowly burning. As I finish the entire cup I feel like I’m on fire… yeah, in my drunken state I downed a complete cup of tequila.

Reality smashed it’s way through my haze like a hard-boiled-egg-sandwich through the human colon. A cold sweat hit as I realized that I was by my self with enough poison in me to put me down for the count. Of course, I couldn’t find my brother. Needless to say I had to puke in the restroom, but to the degree I through up was awe-inspiring. I swear I expunged my very soul from my body. Oh, but the night wasn’t over yet.

I kept trying to find my brother, but I had to keep running back to puke, so with spinning head I’m trying to navigate through a crowded dance club to find a guy who was purposely ditching his little brother. Yay.

I finally find him and he does not want to leave, I tell him to get me to a cab or I’m going to puke on his new friends. My vermillion hue was enough motivation to get him out of the club and throw me into a cab, literally.

So after the scariest cab ride in the world, homicidal jack (the name I gave to the cabbie) gets me to my hotel. Upon arrival he tells me how much I owe, it’s pretty steep, but what makes it steeper is that I have no money. Yeah, all the drinks my brother was buying were out of my wallet. Holding my head up I try and focus on homicidal jack, and he’s not a happy monkey. Luckily I know how to use my weakness as strength. “Let me just sit in your cab and think.” I tell him while begin dry heave. He then ejected me from his cab into a local wall, like the mighty skunk, my smell must have dissuaded him. (I didn’t puke on my self mind you, but booze + puke breath = bad.)

At this point I blacked out, I have no memory of what happened next. I do know that the entire trip I could not find my hotel room for the life of me but the next thing I remember was falling onto my hotel room door. From there it was a short trip to the bed where I passed out.

Happy 21st B-day Exile!



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Store Wars

This is just funny enough to kill the last few min of an otherwise productive day.

http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

The Polls Have Closed, And The Results Are In

After a great deal of contemplation, consideration, deliberation, and master... Minding, a decision has been made on the "who goes where" election. And the winner is...


Exile is going to CANADA!

(i believe this is one of the signs of the apocalypse, but there are so many...)

It looks like the festivities will be on June 10th, 11th, and 12th! Ha-zah! i have to admit, I'm as happy as a retard with lawn sprinkler.

So now we're on to phase two, the shipping and handling. We're trying to figure out how to get and exile all the way to Toronto Canada (or something) and back to Santa Ana California. Now I've never flown that far, in fact I've never flown further than Colorado, let alone to a foreign country.

So now my little blog-ophiliacs, i have a lot of things to figure out, and as usual I'm totally open for suggestions. The things I'm trying to figure out are:

1. What airline should i take to get up there? Anyone have a hook-up on a good price on flights?
2. Any suggestion on what to do while in the great white north? (events, patio parties, sights to see, restaurants to try, etc.)... Throwing suggestion not required.
3. Do i need a passport or paperwork or anything legal to travel to Canadaland? i, i don't travel much, you see...
4. Is there anything about Canadian law i need to know? (Carmine's spider senses are tingling.)
5. How about some good old fashion Canadian advice? (IE: keep your stick on the ice.)

I want to throw out a special thanks to the whole clack crew and everyone else who have been all for this visit. Especially those of you who have offered to help us out! Those of you that haven't, you have to buy the first round!

This is going to be so much fun and so much games.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Do You See The Vein bulging From My Forehead? Do you?

ARGH!

God damn piece of dried up monkey spunk!

How the hell did i wind up exactly where i was a couple weeks ago? If you've been following the chronicles of exile, you would know that I'm only 23 days from not having a place to live.

Recently I've been trying to buy a condo. This is a good thing. Unfortunately the area that i want live in just had a huge condo drought. "really in California?" yeah. The one place that i was totally dig'n on is a Co-Op. Co-Ops are a pain in the rectum. You only have a choice of two lenders, and the one i pick is a total asshole. The guy crunched out the numbers and it looks like my monthly payment would be $1400 a month (that's monthly dues, association, everything.) the reason the payment is so expensive is that the people who are selling don't get how to negotiate. They're going to lose this place to the bank if they don't sell, but they're a bit too retarded to figure it out. So now I'm looking for a place to live again, except, while before i was looking for just a month, i may be looking for something for a couple months or so.

The way i figure it, i can knock down that $1400 monthly if i can come in with more, of course I'll need to come in with an extra $4000 or so. The only way i can see this working out is to simply work like the damned by working at my old job from 7-9 every night during the summer months. i can decrease my monthly expenses by staying at my friends apartment, she probably won't ask for much if I'm sleeping on the floor. Add in a possible loan from the parents (which i hate borrowing money with a passion) i think i can swing it.

Does anyone know where you can sell blood? It's A positive, CMV negative! It's good stuff!

I do have a couple things to look forward to, one in particular is a particular trip to a particular county to the north. (It's very particular, you see.) it makes dealing with all this stuff a lot easier knowing she's out there, smiling, laughing, and for course calling me while she's drunk at parties. So cute, you have no idea, and if you think you do, you're not even close.

This coming up weekend is the Mexico trip. It's our usual family trip where we get in touch with our roots by going to Rosarita (smells of piss) and get shit faced in bars while betting on jumping beans. If you've never had a Mexican jumping bean race you have no idea what you're missing out on. This is done by marking the shell of your bean, place your bets, then they all go on an upside-down ashtray, first one off, wins. From there it's all about the drinking, the booze, and buying a piggy bank that you don't need. Oh, and churros too.

There's also Laughlin. This is a post in and of it's self.

So my situation goes as follows, i need to generate an extra $4000 dollars, while having the money to enjoy the things that i have to look forward to.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Beyond Finger Tips

I touched her last night.
It was only for an instant.
Lost in a maelstrom of words I found her.
We transversed many subjects, but primary we talked about "us."
Wants, desires, passion.
There was nothing off limits, we were completely open.
Anticipation reigned.
We talked about each other and plans for our eventual visit.
And then we talk more.
She was incredible, in ever facet.
She talked about the Clack Crew and how much they were looking forward to this. She told me how awesome it will be to have us all together. Games.
We even talked about how Carmine rescued her from the nosey mailroom girl. Such a hero.
We connected in a way that we haven't connected with anyone in a long time.
It was nearly impossible to let her go so she could get her beauty rest.

The things she said robbed me of my breath and filled me with inspiration. I feel like I can take on the world right now. I feel like I could mill out a novel. I feel so much, and I want to feel so much more.

There were times when I swear I could feel her, touching me, wanting me.

It won't be long, but it feels like forever.



Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Your Cinco De Mayo Joke-o

Here's a little funny to tide you over for 05/05/05


Q) What do you call four Mexicans in a row boat?

A) Quatro Cinco


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

Exiled To Canada Or Ship-her to So-Cal

So here's where we are.
Unfortunately here is not the same here as there, and vice versa.

The delema, of sorts, is that rivals the very laws of space, time, physics, and money.

You see, a certian Minx and a certian Exile are look'n to get together. this is a good thing, a very good thing.

The biggest hinderence to this is that there is a country and a half in the way. 2584.8 miles, that's 4,159.8 kilometers, a 40 hour drive... Naturally driving is right out.

We figure there are three optimum times in which to pull off said rondevu.

Option 1) I come up there (hehehe, come) for the weekend of May 27th, 28th, 29th, and 30th. That's Memorial Day US side. I'll be streching out a 3 day weekend, but it will be more than worth it.
Upside: I get to visit with the whole Clack Crew. We get to booze it up Canadian style. games galore! A cozy little place for two, and with any luck a bed so soft you can lose your self with the person you want.
Down side: "Short" notice, ticket prices are in the $500 (american) side of things, and a Minx will have to jugle her schedual to adapt her life for Sexile compliance. I'm also groucy in the morning, and there's a 3 hour diff, so even if we wake up at 10am i'll still be getting up at 7am.

Option 2) She comes down here durring July (dates unknown). She's never been to California, lots of places to see, some of them are fun. Lots of fun things to do (mainly eachother, *wink*)
Upside: by then my living situation will all be set, i'll a place that's all mine. She will have plenty of time to take care of things on her end. I will take her to any/all the places she wants to go for her stay. All the alone time we want, no obligation save for our own.
Down side: The Clack Crew will be down a drink'n buddy for a weekend. My new place will be pretty bare, and my wallet will be too with the renovations. Carmine can't buy me a beet and shora can't video tape us getting plastered.

Option 3) Every body does Vegas! We ship the entire Clack Crew to Vegas, and I meet y'all out there. Plenty of shenanigans to go around. And games, oh there will be games. This will take place some time late August, early September. The way i figure it, we can organize to get all the rooms right next to each other.
Upside: It's Vegas, there's always something to do in Vegas. Seeing as though these rough and touble canadians party till 5am, there should be no problems in Vegas.
Downside: Hotter than a mother fucker! I'd hate to see the Clack Crew melt (canadians are made of snow, right?) Even with the deals i can hookup this will be pretty pricey. with everything going on i don't know how much alone time we'll get together, the Minx and I.


This is the part where you, the blogging public, get to play god, so to speak. Cast your votes in the comments, pick whether you want option 1, 2, or 3 and why.


"Choose, but choose wisely, for the true grail will bring you life, the false, shall bring you death." ~the old guy in the last Indiana Jones movie.


Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com

NUMBER NERD

ok, just bear with me on this one. i'm usually pretty good at picking up on patterns, and this caught my eye. i have no idea why, but i had to acctually write it out on a few sticky notes. every see a beautiful mind? yeah... anyways here it is. i'm sure this will interest no one.

4+4+3+3=14

44+33=77, 7+7=14

Yeah, this is what my brain does when it's dying of atrophy.




Exile

Original_exile@hotmail.com